A
female
age
36-40,
*roubledBB
writes:I am soon to be 24 years-old and am a student in graduate school currently. I have a traditional mother who is proud of virginity. She is proud that she was still a virgin till her marriage day and she expects the same from me, too. My mom expects me to maintain only holding hands and hugs with my boyfriend and doesn't want us to go beyond that (kissing, etc.). I am also not allowed to have anything more than a day trip with my boyfriend (not to mention, only within the country).I started dating a guy (my first boyfriend) last year (about a month before turning 23) and we have been together for a year already. I lost my virginity to him a while back. Recently, my mom questioned me about my paper credit card bill and finally asked if I had visited another country where my boyfriend's sister lives. I confessed that I did and she asked if my boyfriend went with me. I told her he did. She asked if I had any sort of closer intimate contact with him, did we sleep together in the same room, etc.Now, you have to know, when I talked with my mom and it happens that she talks about virginity. She keeps telling other people that I am a virgin and that she's proud that I am (even to people we're not that close with). She keeps emphasizing that she doesn't think I'm stupid enough to lose it. Other people keeps asking her how she would know if I still am and in the end, she says, she believes that I won't lose it. Then she would ask me questions if my boyfriend and I kissed or was anywhere further in our relationship, etc. I don't know how she expects me to be open to her about where we are if she already said she doesn't think I'm stupid enough to do those things. Wouldn't I be considered "stupid" if I said I did those things with my boyfriend? So I say, "no," which I know is not making the situation better. I became afraid.I'm wondering how I should approach my mother about this, especially when she's traditional? I'm afraid that she'll freak out or get angry. The thing that makes me sad is that I used to be so close to my mother that I tell her everything. But because of what happened between my boyfriend and me, I rarely tell her anything now.Did anyone have similar experience? Please give me some advice. Thank you!
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female
reader, TroubledBB +, writes (10 December 2009):
TroubledBB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, anonymous reader. :) My mother isn't religious and I think it has a bit to do with how she was brought up (listening to her mother, my grandmother). I haven't thought of the possible fact why she wanted to talk to other people about virginity and bring up her thoughts about me being virgin. Thanks for the input, I think that is a reasonable explanation.
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Some additional information:
I do believe that the person I lose virginity to is important to me so I'm not thinking completely opposite of my mother.
My boyfriend and I both lost our virginity to each other. So that's something we think is really special (especially when it's hard to find a guy who is a virgin nowadays), but upsetting that I find it almost impossible to share this with my mother.
Although being together with my boyfriend for a year may be a short time to know someone, I believe he's been good to me so far. My boyfriend and I have a serious relationship. To me, he thinks on a mature level, given that he quite a few years older (10 years older).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): I can relate to your post in some ways. When I was in my teens my mother repeatedly told me that "You should only have sex with the person you would marry" and that she did not have sex with my Dad until they married. I am not sure if your mother impresses her opinion on you so strongly for religious reasons but my mother is not religious. The way I began to feel was guilty. Guilty for any sexual thought and repressed into feeling that I should not wear sexy clothes or incite sexual feelings in men - it would get me into trouble and was disloyal. I met my (now husband) when I was 16 years old and by the time I married him we had had sex but our sex life was on the rocks. In fact on our honeymoon we only had sex twice. We are not compatible and my husband is emotionally abusive - however I felt that, because I had lost my viriginity to this man I had to marry him - my Mothers words stuck in my head and I quite literally carried out her request. It has been a terrible mistake and I have learnt to my cost how allowing a mother to be 'all powerful' over you is to disallow you to grow your own emotions, feelings etc at a pace that is right for you. Shaming you is not the answer and relating being 'stupid' to losing your virginity is damaging. What I am trying I guess to help you consider is that often mothers will assert control or power over their daughters through shame and guilt - specifically around sexual experience. It relates to you growing up, becoming an attractive woman in your own right. Fear may be at the heart of it - you becoming pregnant etc. but she may even be a little bit jealous of the opportunities and youth that you have. By boasting that you are still a virgin in public is another way of re-enforcing your position (trapped) and so therefore building an even stronger fortress to prevent you from having sex. I am concerned from what you write that this pressure, and the repressed feelings you will have will affect you deeply and into the long term. It is not healthy at your age to be made to feel so bad about something quite natural! Again, unless for religious reasons she is saying all this I think she is wrong. You either need to explain to her that when you are ready to lose your virginity you will or extract yourself from the intense and suffocating situation that you find yourself in - for your own sake.
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