A
male
age
36-40,
*ifeshumor
writes:I would like to start out by saying that I consider myself very open minded. I am divorced from a 6 year marriage and am on good terms with. I have even made good friends with my ex-wife’s boyfriend and we hang out occasionally. My current girlfriend of whom I am having the issue with, is divorced from a 15 year relationship. I have met her ex husband and I find him to be a pretty solid guy and good father. I enjoy his company and have had a few beers with him. This kind of sexual past doesn't bother me at all. I have been with my girlfriend now for a little over 1 year. From the beginning I have been blown away with how she meets all the qualities I think are important in a long term relationship. However, near the beginning of our relationship I revealed my distaste for people who cheat on the person they claim to love. After some talking, it was told of a man she had a “sex only” relationship with shortly before me. This man had a serious relationship with another woman for several years and still does. My girlfriend knew that he was in a serious relationship from the beginning and still went ahead and made a sexual relationship with this man anyway. I asked my girlfriend why she would knowingly have sex with a sleazy cheating man like that and she said because the sex was good…. This was very hard for me to swallow. She said that her husband was the first person she ever had sex with and when it ended she wanted to explore other things sexually. She finished the conversation with saying that she regretted it and I decided I should leave it alone. We only knew each other for about 2 months and I wasn't committed to her enough to give it much more thought.I have been with my girlfriend for a little more than a year now and have fallen deeply in love with her. All of a sudden I am now experiencing some horrible feelings being resurfaced regarding the things she told me about this man. The difference now is that these feelings give me substantial pain unlike they did before. It was revealed to me that this man made contact with her during our relationship for some more sex. She says she told him no and I believe her. However, I cant seem to get myself past these horrible feelings I have. The more horrible I feel, the more questions I conjure up in my mind. Can I risk bringing my girlfriend with questionable morals into my daughters life? Does she have no respect for a mature and faithful relationship? Is sex all this woman cares about? How long did this relationship last? Did she have sex with him every chance she got??? I feel like my mind is out of my control. Are these questions none of my business? They probably are but I cant shake them off. I am haunted. I am 32 years old with a 8 year old daughter to take care of. I absolutely do not want to bring a woman into my life that is immoral and doesn’t value faithfulness. I feel like I want to tell her “if sex is all it takes to convince you to do disgusting things then what in the hell are you doing with someone like me?” Should I say something like that to someone I love? Am I making excuses to myself to justify feeling this way? I feel very hurt and I don’t know what to do. Advice anyone?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 April 2018):
 Therapy.
I really don’t think you’ll get over this by trying to train your brain to think a different way. I’ve seen tons of questions like this on this site and said the same thing every time. I think you need to speak to someone who can ask the questions that you need to unravel why you’re feeling this way, this won’t go away on its own and the longer you leave it the worse it’s going to be when feelings intensify and you have your inevitable meltdown in future when it all gets too much.
Get help for the situation or watch the self sabotage unfold in front of your own eyes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2018): HiWhy could you not leave her when she told you this. I'm really pleased for you though that you seek help, this is not an unknown occurence and you are baffled at your thoughts.I would love for you to just let those thoughts go and you concentrate on how much you are in Love with her.Get those wicked demons out of your mind, they want you do do something more horrible than what she did before she met you. Does she Love you?If so, it is the Love you should work on and you should talk (not be crappy with her) about how you feel and if her love is strong she will get you through this. You can both get through this. I'm not being in-realistic, this can happen. Love conquers all... It takes effort from you though. This is where men start getting violent with woman because they can't control their jealousy. Jealousy is a negative and is not Love.I hope she too can repent of her sin (and it was) but you have chosen to be with her and hey - we are all not without sin!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 April 2018):
 I have never understood why people talk about their sexual details of the past! It never, never helps!
I'll tell you what I think has bothered you the most. The fact that she said the sex was "good". That is something you have not been able to accept. That she was "sleazy" enough to enjoy a good old romp with someone who knocked her socks off.
You're judgemental, holier-than-thou behaviour will only hurt you OP. Was she right in what she did? Probably not. But then show me one person who hasn't done something wrong in life. People go through myriad emotions when they break up and deal with it in different ways. Have you never done anything impulsively and regretted it later?
Because you're on such a high horse, you refuse to see human behaviour for what it is and only judge by your standards. You have vilified her to such an extent that suddenly she's not good enough for your daughter, is immoral and unfaithful.
So why put yourself through all these feelings? You're just dating her, you're not bound to her! Let her go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2018): Men who suffer retro-jealousy and judgmental-sexist issues about purity in women are difficult to advise.
They first accept the woman; then later down the line decide to go on this trip of self-righteousness; and climb-up on some high moral-horse. Suddenly they decide accepting her faults early-on, might have been a mistake. Only, they wait until she's emotionally-invested, risked her heart, and has given-up everyone and her past; to be with him.
Are you the same guy you were years ago? What was it about you that your daughter's mother decided she'd rather divorce you, than be married to you?
I have to be straight-up and maybe a bit harsh with this advice. Let me give you some food for thought.
You claim you love her. Evidently you don't love her enough to put her past behind her. So you really have no right to be wasting her precious-time; while you're fighting with your inner-conflicts and hypocrisy. Don't waste her time, while wading through your man-baby feelings. So she ain't no virgin! That was alright at first, but now it's not? Perhaps because there was the guarantee of sex on-demand?
Man-up! Love her fully, or let her go!
Don't hold-up your daughter as some sort of excuse; or litmus test for purity. What exactly gives you the right to dismiss your own faults; while you rule over the morals of others? Why aren't you still married? You're virtuous and perfect. Why would a woman let you go?
Our country is running rampant with people giving themselves a pass for their own faults and imperfections; while casting judgement and raising the bar for everybody else!
"You don't meet my high-standards!" While by the same token, neither can YOU! You're a divorcee also. That means you couldn't make a marriage work. You have faults, you have a sexual-history, and a past. The mother of your child chose to leave you. Doesn't matter who's fault it was. You couldn't make it work. You had to end it. Yet, this other woman comes along, and she took a risk on you.
Your belated or delayed-reaction to her past is unbelievably inconvenient!
Your purity-gauges didn't seem so active at the time you heard about the man in her past. Everything was just fine at the beginning.
What's next, dragging her to the gates of the village to be publicly-shamed by the villagers and stoned to death?!!
The type of drama you are now starting to conjure-up in your mind is only going to create serious problems. First it will be doled-out in subtle insults, thrown in her face during arguments, and acted-out in random displays of disrespect. Next it will fester into resentment; and then you will decide to distance yourself, and break her heart. I foresee this only getting worse. Not better! I know how this goes.
She may not be wife or girlfriend-material. You've shifted gears, and now you have decided to raise your moral-standards. So let her be the first to know. So she can move on and find somebody else!
Stop right where you are, and let her go!
Men with the mindset you are developing take years of therapy, or break a thousand hearts; before they get-over their hypocritical sexist double-standards.
Why are you wasting wasting her time with your insecurities?
Don't you feel you're man enough? So you have to degrade her as a woman; for the sake of protecting your own insecure ego. Even worse, indicating she's not good enough to meet your daughter. You should have decided that at the very beginning. Not after you've allowed her to get attached to you! Or after you've had your share of sex with her! Where were your morals and high-standards before that?
It won't make you a bad-guy to let her go. If she doesn't have the qualities and moral-standards you want for a wife. Sir, please discontinue this relationship now!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 April 2018):
 Its quite important to know why her 15 year relationship ended, did he cheat, did he ignore her while he did his own thing, had he had other sex partners besides your current girlfriend or was she, like he was for her, their only previous sexual experience?
People are complex, just when you think you know them another facet is revealed and we have to re-juggle what we thought we knew to fit the new facts in.
What was the cause of their marriage break up, it must have been her fault because you "find him to be a pretty solid guy and good father". Is THAT what you are thinking??
I spent about 10 years working with women coming out of relationships, and their children, both in a voluntary and paid capacity.
Women often come out of long term relationships feeling like worthless rejects. They wonder what they could have done differently, and ask were they not good enough in bed, did the baby tummy turn him off, should she have not cut her hair, maybe if she had stayed home, or worked, or not studied, or studied, been more exciting, or done things differently she wouldn't have been found lacking.
They also want to punish their former partners, and having sex with somebody their former husband would find totally unsuitable is a way to do this ... see your pure wife who wasn't good enough for you, well this guy finds me desirable!!
Most women come to their senses and realise they are only hurting themselves, like your girlfriend they regret their actions.
Based on your last paragraph where you question her morals, call her disgusting, say you are better than her, and so forth I suggest you let this woman go, there will be a man out there who will have some understanding of human nature and appreciate the woman she is. To celebrate your escape from such a dreadful sexual deviant I suggest you go have a beer with her nice guy ex husband before you go find a women whose outlook on life doesn't allow for transgressions, and doesn't believe in forgiveness.
Good luck with that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 April 2018):
 You don't. If there's only one quality that doesn't match your criteria then it's still a deal breaker. Don't be afraid to say you can't be with her even when you are still in your honeymoon phase. Or you will have to wait till you get settled after 3 years, have a few more arguments, and having the same outcome which is breakup. Love is a feeling but at the same time it is a decision. When you decide suddenly it may not be a good idea to love (as a verb) that person, you love (as a feeling) that person less and less.
So this is why marrying a virgin does not ensure that the woman has morals. More than 15 years ago, you would not have imagined that she would selfishly help a man cheat in the future. She married young, probably before she even knew what sexual attraction meant. It's true that she maintained a 15 year relationship, but what she did with that lover made her disregard the sanctity of marriage. And because the time between she met the lover and you was so short, it would make you question what she was looking for at the moment. It would be dangerous to date a person who would be okay with either casual sex or relationship, whichever comes along first because you would never feel secure with them, especially when you are looking for serious relationships from the start or who would never even think of casual ones.
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