A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and together for almost 11. I've always had a good relationship with my in-laws...BUT. I have also always felt like I've had to tiptoe around his only sibling (a sister who is a year older than him and two years older than me). I do believe she is a genuinely nice person...but she is also very controlling. There's been a lot that I've let slide, but here lately, it's just gotten old.The straw that broke the camel's back was a couple of days ago. She sent me a Facebook message saying that she had an idea about what my husband and I could get their parents for Christmas, then proceeded to suggest concert tickets that are considerably cheaper than the average ticket, but still out of the Christmas budget that I set and stick to every year. The biggest issue that I have with this is that the suggestion was completely out of the blue; I did not ever even so much as hint to her that I was in need of ideas. The Christmas presents for everyone on our list were all purchased weeks ago, and I came up with the ideas all on my own (in case you're curious, the parents-in-law are getting a very nice photo canvas of our two-year-old daughter, which is what all of the grandparents and great grandparents are getting). This is far from the first time that an unwarranted suggestion has been made, and maybe it seems petty, but I just have had enough. I typically make her feel like her idea is a lifesaver, even if I ultimately don't end up going along with it. I brought it up with my husband and let him know that I was upset about it, and it upset him, too. Furthermore, he pointed out that he did not see his dad being on board with the concert. My husband and I went to this same concert last year (except it was in July, not February like this one would be), and even though we arrived at the venue freakishly early, we spent an hour and a half waiting in line to get in. The show started at 7 pm, but it was 10 pm before the headliner took the stage. The line to get out of the venue moved much more quickly than the one to get in, but once we got to the car, it was another hour and a half or so of waiting to get on the road. Considering that his dad does not enjoy large crowds and neither one of his parents are particularly interested in late nights, concert tickets did not seem like a reasonable idea to my husband. In fact, he predicted that his parents would likely end up giving the tickets to his sister and her husband. While we both agreed that we would not be purchasing the tickets on our own, I said I was willing to compromise. If his dad agreed to go to the concert, we would purchase one ticket, provided that his sister and her husband purchased the other. He did discuss it with his dad, who unsurprisingly said he didn't care to go. His dad proceeded to tell my sister-in-law that her unsolicited opinion had upset me and that he agreed it should not have been made. Sister-in-law proceeded to message me again on FB with an obviously less than heartfelt apology. She and my mother-in-law were babysitting my daughter that day, and they had gone to a Christmas party at my nephew and niece's "school" (I use that term incredibly loosely, my sister-in-law homeschools her kids, and the "school" is basically just a group of other homeschoolers who go on field trips or do crafts once a week). Pictures of my daughter on previous outings with this group have been posted on Facebook by my sister-in-law, and each post has involved me being tagged (hubby doesn't use FB very much, so it's easy to forget to tag him). THIS time, however, I was not tagged; only her husband was.When I tell y'all that her life flashed before my eyes...there are no words for how mad that made me. She has always been very clingy with our daughter, always determined to be the favorite aunt and spoil her...even to the point of disregarding my and my husband's wishes (example, we'll say our daughter has had enough cookies, and next thing we know, sister-in-law is slipping her a cookie). She has been called out on it, but stuff like that keeps happening, and it drives me batty.I refuse to live the rest of my life cowtowing to what sister-in-law wants, but I also don't want to risk the relationship that my daughter has with that side of the family. My in-laws are wonderful grandparents, and I do believe that my sister-in-law is a good person and a good aunt...but I am 30 years old and fully capable of coming up with my own Christmas present ideas. If I ever made an unwarranted suggestion to her or disregarded her about her kids, World War III would erupt. It doesn't seem fair that I am expected to shut up and go with it.How can I deal with this without ruining the relationship with the whole family? And in spite of everything, I would really like to preserve the relationship with my sister-in-law, too (although if another post is made without my permission or me being tagged, I will walk away). What would you do?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 December 2021):
 I suspect the problem is she is a bit controlling and you're a bit pliable, as Honeypie says.
For the Christmas suggestion, I would have simply said, you already have a gift for your in-laws, but thank her for the suggestion. Be upbeat, but don't offer information or explanations.
Do that for more of the other advice she gives and she will eventually get the message that her advice isn't needed.
You're not going to solve this issue with one heart to heart chat. It's best to do it gradually, and start with low stakes issues. You need to retrain yourself as well as her.
As for her sneaking your daughter goodies, that is normal. That's what grandparents and aunts and uncles do. They don't live with you so it isn't often enough to affect your daughter's health. Some of my relatives did the same with my siblings and I, and my best friend did the same with my daughter from time to time. It's good for your daughter to know she is special to others besides you.
A
male
reader, GregoFranco +, writes (20 December 2021):
Maybe you need to relax. I thought she'd be some type of bully or outwardly rude person with problems with communication but... I feel like if you bring this up you're going to be in a conversation with yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): You are making a huge thing out of a tiny thing, actually the truth is you are making a huge thing out of nothing whatsoever. I would find it very difficult being in any sort of contact or relationship with someone like you because you are quick to find fault when someone breaths or blinks.
You are the one with the problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2021): Have you ever heard of the concept of "diplomacy." All nations have allies; and in order to keep your allies, you have to make them feel secure that you're on their side. You can't always condone the behavior of your allies, or always agree to their tactics and policies. How do you keep them inline as an ally, without offending them or losing their support at critical times? Through tact and diplomacy! That is further reinforced by open communication and an exchange of mutual-trust. Honesty is how you achieve and maintain trust.
You feel one-way or another, but you give your sister-in-law the belief you're in agreement. That's your first mistake. Meanwhile, you're squirming and totally uncomfortable with the position she is blamed for placing you in. Too scared to come right-out and just tell her you are doing your best to always be on good-terms with her; but she makes it difficult at times.
Maybe she's not completely controlling; but you're too pliable, or too passive. Worried of what people might think of you.
What you've served as your examples seem very minor situations; and I'm not sure how it will rise to the level of damaging your relationship to simply be honest. If it's over-budget, it's over-budget. Being too proud to say something is excessively costly, or impractical, doesn't imply you're broke. It doesn't expose your financial-condition at all; it simply says you're frugal and moneywise. That's a good thing! You can promise to give a suggestion consideration, or take it into advisement; but it's up to you, if you want to go through with it. The power of decision, agreement, or disagreement; is in your hands. She only made a suggestion, it was not a command. Aren't you an adult too? If you say "no," and she gets upset? Oh, well! Get over it sister! That's not the end of the world; and just like that, she banishes you from the family.
You cannot be agreeable all the time, you can't make people happy all the time; and if you put-on a façade of always being agreeable, you are going to drive yourself crazy. Don't blame the other person; because you fear losing their approval, or you might be seen in a bad way. It's dishonest, and self-abasing.
You were a little cowardly by the way you handled this; by dumping it on your husband, and having him relay it to your father-in-law. Keeping your own hands clean, but still getting your way. You could have nipped it in the bud; and resolved it during the original discussion. Instead, you choked on it; and made a big issue of it. Your FIL and husband had to step-in to stamp out the fire. Dumping your issues in the lap of others is the reason families sometimes end-up at-odds or in feuds with one-another; because someone instigates by always trying to look like the good-guy; and you hide behind others to fight your battles for you.
It was out of budget, that was a feasible explanation. Asking your FIL was unnecessary, because you were the one who didn't like the idea, and thought it was over-budget. It's your money, and you get to decide how you want to spend it. You buy your in-laws whatever you want to buy them; and let others do their own thing. Chipping-in together is great, as long as you "actually" want to. If you don't, what's wrong with saying so???
As for people overruling your parental rules and boundaries for your own children; that's very easy. You go to your daughter, remind her that you said "no more cookies;" and tell her "it's not nice to take advantage of auntie for being nice to you." That handles it both-ways. Telling auntie you still disapprove, you have reinforced your boundaries, disciplined the child; and let's your little-one know that when mom or dad says "no," the "no" is final! Of course, unless either of you change your minds. You can also be direct, and tell auntie that you do not like when she circumvents your rules, or undermines your authority. Spoiling the child is what aunties do; so choose your battles when it comes to that. Don't lump everything about her that irks you into one big heap; because auntie gets under your skin, but you still want to stay on her "good-side."
Most parents make it abundantly clear to outsiders (i.e. grandparents, teachers, uncles, aunts, coaches, etc.) where boundaries lie when it comes to their kids. Someone countermanding your authority over your own children deserves straightforward intervention. You said when the shoe is on the other foot; WWIII would breakout! Well, she has you well-trained!
If you have something on your heart, and have to deal with someone; be direct, and fight your own battles. Don't hide behind others, don't manipulate behind the scenes; and then put on an innocent-face, after you went behind her back to have others do your dirty-work. Tact and diplomacy is the way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2021): I dont see an act to pin-point as she being rude OP.i feel she`s trying to help and ifyou dont see it that way,tell her
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 December 2021):
 I was reading your post and searching for your sister-in-law's unacceptable behaviour. I am still searching. I did, however, find a few instances of YOUR behaviour falling far short of being "good".
I wonder, is there something else going on with the family which irks you and you are taking it out on your SIL because she is an easier target? She suggested a present for her parents/your in-laws. You admit she is a good person. She didn't do this to upset/annoy you but, I am guessing, to be helpful. (I swear, I would be beyond delighted if someone suggested a viable present for my MIL.) All you had to do was say "Thank you but I have already sorted a present" and that could have been the end of it. Instead you had to create a drama out of it and drag your in-laws into it, to such an extent that your poor SIL felt she had to apologize for trying to help you. Trust me, there is nothing which irks more than trying to do a good dead and having it thrown back in your face. Your SIL will not forget how you made her feel about this.
You seem to disapprove of a number of things about your SIL, right through to looking down on her because she chooses to home-school her children. Increasingly more people are choosing to take responsibility for their children's schooling as they lose faith in their government and in the schooling system itself. Frankly, I have nothing but admiration for anyone who chooses to take over full responsibility of their child(ren)'s education themselves. I'm not sure why you think you have a right to look down your nose at her because you don't agree with her on the subject.
As for the extra cookies she slips your daughter, why not take her to one side and explain, gently and politely, that, while you know she means well and loves your daughter, slipping her cookies when you have already said she has had enough undermines you as the parent. Perhaps she hasn't even thought of that.
I appreciate you have only given us a couple of examples of your SIL's behaviour but, to be frank, your behaviour sounds far worse than hers. Perhaps you need to ask yourself what is really going on here?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2021): What would I do ? I'd take a big chill pill , remind to myself that people may not conform 100percent to our expectations or to how we want them to be, without this having necessarily to trigger emotional shitstorms, and let it slide. Why, I get all the time people telling me "you really should read this book " or " you really should watch that movie " and most of the times it is indeed stuff that am not interested in and it is far from my tastes and preferences, but, rather than calling them "controlling" or stressing how I am very capable of choosing my own books and movies- I thank them for their suggestions.Why shouldn't I ?They had an idea, and they wanted to share it with me.And/ or they thought of something that, in their opinion, could make my life more enjoyable.This is nice ! .Whether I am going, or not, to follow their suggestions, is all another story.I don't have to , if I don't want. But I am not going to have a conniption just because somebody dared to open their mouth and share a thought with me .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2021):
 I don't see it as being controlling to suggest a present - maybe she read or saw something about the concert and thought, "OH maybe Mom and Dad would like that".
All YOU would have had to say is, a nice idea perhaps but we have already purchased Christmas gifts for them. And that it is. Or said we'll take that into consideration. If she tried to push it, I would have suggested SHE buys them the tickets herself. And I would perhaps also have told you that you have already been to this concert and it wasn't quite what you had hoped for. OR (even better) let it for your husband to let her know all that.
To get your MIL/FIL involved seems a bit over the top, in my opinion.
Suggesting a gift idea is not the same as being controlling. She probably felt she was helping. Perhaps the in-laws can be a little hard to give presents too. Many people are.
As for giving extra cookies, ok. Unless this is every day or it's really affecting your child ( I don't know many two-years-olds who need or eat a lot of cookies) but again, LET your husband deal with his sister's indulgence. Your SIL spoils her because she loves your daughter and because she is the baby of the family. Now setting BOUNDARIES is OK for a parent to do. If you feel it will damage their relationship, HAVE your husband do it.
For her to post pictures with your daughter and not tag you. Is silly, and I think she was hoping you would see it as a snub OR it was a simple mistake.
If you don't want her around your daughter, well then she can't watch, find someone else.
TBH, you sound petty.
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