A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 1.5 years and we've been living together for 4 months. He's the only child and lives with his parents. At first I didn't have a problem with his mom, but as time went by i realized that there are some annoyance caused by his mom. I ignored it at first because I thought I'm in love with the man so who cares? But it's getting worse, i am totally irritated by her.1. She can't accept that her son is a big guy not a baby anymore. She complains about everything and when she yells... Jesus, i can't desribe how bad it is. High-pitch voice, yelling constantly, she just cannot stop. She's a bit rude as well everytime she gets really mad, she calls people with names, tehn it doesn't stop there. She calls people stupid, ignorant, etc (eventho it's not a mistake or misunderstanding whatsoever). 2. She always thinks she's a know-all. She knows everything. She's a God. Everything that's different with her belief, it's wrong! Every body who disagrees with what she knows or what she tells, they're wrong! Also, she has this incredible self-defense that will make you think that she's correct (but she's not). 3. She wants everything to be done just like she wants to. Like, if i wash the plates this way, and she does the other way, she thinks I'm wrong. It must be done with the wasy she wants. She wants people to listen and do what she says. 4. She's a two-faced. She talks bad about people but she acts differently when meeting them. That makes me think, she must talks bad about me as well. I'm not perfect, I've done mistakes. 5. She's madly thrifty. There's nothing bad about being thrifty but what she does is clearly over the top. Like keeping the leftovers in the fridge for weeks so we could eat it later on (isn't that unhealthy?) or only changing the water in the sink once a day even if it's very very very dirty. I can't imagine washing the plates or glasses in the water that dirty. She said we should save the water and the soap. 6. She's jealous with me. I can understand why. It's very natural that a mom feels that way with her only child. But, why would i take him away from her? Every week, we go together with his mom. We rarely hang out together without his mom. The point is she doesn't want him to spend time with me. She also thinks that i am spending his money. Like one time, we went to a shop and bought something. Her mom was with us in the cashier. She said, "Why do u need that stuff? Is she (referring to me) the one who wants that?" She said that in front of me. I felt insulted. It was my bf's stuffs. Even if my bf buys me something, that's because he wants to. I never asked for him to buy me anything. Mostly, I bought my stuffs with my own money. I always respect her. I never yelled or talked something bad in front of her. We're not close but I do talk to her. My bf clearly knows the character of his mom (no 1,2,3,5) and he also hates that. We've talked about that and he agrees with me. Is anyone dealing the same thing with me? I need help how to handle her. She's driving me crazy. It's only been 4 months. Thank you!
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Well really your boyfriend just needs to grow a pair and move out! I cant believe you have your own place, which will obviously be costing you money yet he is too much of a baby to stand up to his mum!
He is an adult, he can do what he likes, including move out of his mum's house. If he cannot even manage to do this, then if I were you I would be very worried about your future together, he is clearly a mummy's boy and he may never be able to commit properly to you because of her.
He is allowing his mum to control him, and in turn this will influence her behaviour because she knows she can do and say what she likes regardless of how she treats people, because her baby boy will never leave. As long as she feels like she has him under control, the more she will behave like this.
So either your boyfriend grows up and moves out, or my bet is that he will still be living there when he is 30! I would not put up with this from your boyfriend, it is unacceptable for him to make you waste money on your own place that you cant live in just because he is too afraid of his mum to put his foot down and move out. This would be a massive warning sign to me if I were you, this is a seriously troubled mother-son relationship and your boyfriend is at fault here - he is the one that needs to stand up to her and move out, to show her that she cannot control his life anymore.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank for the answers!k_c100: I once asked him if his mom likes me and he said she does. I told him some stuffs that annoys me, and he said it's her default. She's been doing the same thing and much worse things to him for years. He wanted to move out from the house once but she didn't let him. I have my own place but we decided to live together. We can afford our own place but his mom insisted that he lives in the house (i suppose because he is the only child), so that's why i'm staying in the house now. I never asked him to move out again, cause i know it would be the same result. Well, sometimes she is nice to me but sometimes she really doesn't. When i told my bf some stuffs that she does, he doesn't confront her or have a talk with his mom about it because he knows that's his mom's default and same thing happens with him. You will never get an apology from her. Come to think of it, i guess i can't change people's characters at all because if she's doing the same thing to her son then she won't change for anybody else. That means i just have to suck that up. Que sera sera..
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I agree with everything Kc said. Your only option is to suck it up or move out.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Ah so you have moved into her house with your boyfriend? Rather than you getting your own place? I hope I've got that right otherwise this answer wont really apply!
Basically you chose to live in her house rather than get your own place, therefore you have to live by her rules and put up with it. At least your boyfriend agrees and you have someone to share your frustrations with, but aside from that there is not a lot you can do.
I will try and go through this one by one for you:
1. The yelling and being rude - that is part of her personality and it cannot be changed, therefore while you are in her house you just will have to learn to tolerate it and try and switch off when she gets like this.
2. Being a know-it-all - I had a boss like this so I know how annoying it is! But the way we all dealth with her is just to allow her to have the final say, there is no point in arguing your corner with people like this even if you are right. You just have to let her win and at least you know deep down you are right and she is wrong.
3. Wanting things to be done her way - it is her house so I dont blame her for this. She has run her house her own way for years and years, therefore if you are going to live there then you have to do things the way she likes. When you have your own house you can do things your way, but until then while she is kind enough to let you live there just get on with it and do it her way.
4. Being two-faced - again, part of her personality so not a lot you can do about it. She is what she is, so just try and ignore it when she is being like this. Yes she might talk about you behind your back, but then again she might not, so dont worry about it because it does not matter.
5. Being thrifty - do you pay any bills? Or contribute towards food & household bills? If you do then you can have a say in the food that you eat (you can politely just say to her "I'm sorry but I am not comfortable eating something that has been in the fridge two weeks, thank you for the offer but I think I will get something else tonight"). But if you dont contribute at all to bills or food then there is not a lot you can do, you get what you are given and you are going to have to deal with it. If you are living off the kindness and hospitality of another person you cannot really say anything about the food they give you or the way they choose to save money on bills.
6. If she insults you like that then have a word with your boyfriend and ask him to say something to her. Get him to talk to her and tell her that you are not spending his money, he bought that for himself and he would appreciate it if she didnt jump to conclusions like that anymore as it upsets you.
Living with parents when you are a couple is always going to be tough, it is not an ideal situation and you are just going to have to put up with it. As much as she sounds like a pain, she has been good enough to allow you to move into her house and take over her space - that is a very kind thing to do. I know when I have kids if any of them want their girlfriend/boyfriend to move in there is no way on earth I would allow that, in my eyes if you cant afford your own place to share then you cant live together and will just have to wait until you can afford it. I would never let my house be used as crash pad for my kids and their partners to come and go when they please, eat all the food in the house etc...it would be like having another child you dont want!
So keep in mind that she has done a nice thing for you, and that not many other parents would allow it to happen. But apart from that, there is not a lot you can do apart from learn to tolerate her and try as hard as you can to get to know her better and talk to her more. Make a big effort with her and I'm sure she will eventually see how nice you really are and wont be such a pain towards you. And if she does offend you or insult you - make sure your boyfriend stands up for you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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