A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is another question about porn, but okay, here goes..I'm 32, my husband is 34, been married since 2011, over the past few weeks he's been refusing sex.And it's all down to pornography. The "smoking gun" as it were, was a sign-up for a porn forum coming to our email, asking to confirm it. Not to mention his IE6 history; he didn't hide it very well.He's a lovely guy generally; romantic, kind, GSOH, helps family and friends, good at DIY. But in the bedroom it's a completely different story.He seems to be addicted to porn; whether it be paper form or online, and as for me, well, I'm not into it, not at all. He doesn't seem to compare me to porn stars either, but complains that I don't dress like them, though.As for him, physically he is great; keeps himself in shape, has a six-pack, his penis is large (which he is kinda embarrassed about) and he was tan-skinned and toned, he's Italian-American / Mexican-American with tan-colored skin.I work as an IT admin, he's a landscape gardener, has his own business, always on the go.How should I deal with his porn "addiction"?Would satiation therapy help? It is defined as:"The basic aim of satiation therapy is to eliminate the urge to [addiction], rather than specific cues [e.g. a casino]. If [addiction] is a learned drive to [addict], then it should be possible to extinguish it through satiation therapy."Basically, he's got it until he's REALLY fed up with it.How should i handle this issue tactfully?I'm worried, need your help.
View related questions:
addicted to porn, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): OK, in reply to your questions, he admitted to me last night he felt like he was over-addicted to viewing porn but couldn't stop, and as for the dressing up like a porn star comment, that came out of the blue.
We've been dating for 3 years, married for 18 months, sexually active since we met, when I was about 29.
Sorry about the lack of info in this; as for the web history, well, I have relatives coming round, I didn't want their kids finding out he'd been viewing this sort of thing, they may be using the PC.
A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Hi,
The fact you so readily jump to the conclusion about porn being the smoking gun, checking his internet history because of a lack of sexual interest is appalling.
What's next, keylogging software to monitor what he types? Lack of interest in the bedroom can be from lots of reasons. A hormonal imbalance, self worth issues, and none of those come from porn.
I don't condone watching porn, but he is an adult and as such can pretty much do what he pleases (within the law).
Giving him an ultimatum or forcing him into counseling, or satiation treatment should be his choice to make.
Not to mention, being in IT you should know the amount of spam that gets sent to emails, are you even sure he signed up to it?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): It is difficult to tell from our perspective, if an accusation (or allegation) that the loss of interest in the bedroom is actually attributed to porn.
There are absolutely no other factors that could possibly attribute to this? Porn is the one and cut and dry cause? Or is this what we are expected to believe?
I refuse to judge without hearing two sides, and reviewing the compelling evidence. I'd like to also hear testimony from a reliable and unbiased witness.
Many OP's exaggerate, or despise the use of porn so badly; that it is considered in their minds to be the source of all the evils contributing to the dysfunction in their relationships. The main complaints are that their partner wants them to do nasty dirty things, dress like a ho, or compares their bodies to porn actresses. Thereby destroying their self-esteem and making them feel insecure. That's it, all in black in white.
We (the aunts and uncles) are jurors chosen by the victim to condemn and convict users of porn charged as sex-addicts, perverts, narcissists, and toxic to the self-esteem of their wives or girlfriends. We must judge, try,and convict these men on no solid evidence.
Simply hearsay, damaged egos, and circumstantial-evidence. We don't even get to hear from a character-witness in defense of the accused porn-addict; or receive expert testimony to support such serious charges. In fairness, there is no effective defense for the accused. He stands naked and at our mercy. Judged for being a nasty boy.
The blanket-implication is that men who view porn are deplorable filthy beasts. They have twisted minds and they are sexual deviants. Dreads to society. At least, these are the stereotypes affixed in many female-minds.
It is a fact that porn-addiction exists. My point is, we can't judge people like that. We can only offer OP's broad and generalized opinions. I will tread carefully on making such judgement calls.
You go through his computer records and browsing history to checkup on him. Then I suppose you've collected enough evidence against him to leave. Yes?
There is the question of how much porn do you have to watch to be considered an addict? Is that to be determined by a wife or a girlfriend, or should it be evaluated by a mental-health specialist? Are married-men allowed to watch porn? Do they require their wife's permission? If permission is denied, and he persists; is that grounds for divorce? How do you distinguish if she is insecure because he watches porn; or if she has always had self-image issues, and blames it on his viewing porn? If all porn was removed, would he again be sexually-attracted to his wife or girlfriend? Will any of these questions ever be answered?
No, they will not.
How do we distinguish jealousy and insecurity; from a legitimate complaint; when we have no other evidence than a biased and unchallenged accusation from a disgruntled sex-partner? Someone who is a likely proponent to the use of porn, and simply disgusted with the fact it is used by their sex-partner.
How would we know how the the problem was addressed? Was there a calm adult discussion? A terrible shouting-match and argument? Confrontation from one party with a very accusatory tone?
From where we sit, we can only choose sides. We would be forced to judge according to inherent gender-bias, typical societal hangups, male-stereotypes, and a personal distaste for porn. So OP, we trust you implicitly.
So we must advise in presumptuous generalities that may do more harm than good.
Any behavior that persists that causes a rift, pain, or discomfort in your marriage; and cannot be resolved by compromise would require professional counseling, legal separation, or divorce.
Depending on the severity of your partner's actions and unwillingness to stop; you are left to choose whatever ultimatum, or action, that best suits your needs.
Addiction is considered a sickness. It requires therapy and rehabilitation. The addicted person has to be willing to undergo treatment. It's strictly voluntary.
If they refuse treatment and the compulsive behavior continues, you have to leave them. Most of the OP's do not want to leave them. So what action or reaction is left at their disposal.
Learn to live with it, or continue to complain and fight about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2014):
 One of the very first rules of a happy marriage is to NEVER assume anything! Stick with the facts, and be very specific about what you want to know from him.
The facts are that you say he's refusing sex with you over the past few weeks. The possibly incorrect assumption is that you're tying his refusal of sex to his porn usage. Unless he's SAID that it's all down to pornography, how do you know that? In fact, what you've said actually doesn't point that way at all. Here's why I say that:
He's most likely been a longer term porn user than you've discovered, and up until a few years ago, your sex life has been good. You've also been married for three years, but you didn't say how long you've been dating or sexually active. So, again, several years of being sexually active, coupled with several years of private porn usage points to the fact that this sex refusal over only the past few weeks doesn't all boil down to porn.
You aren't a therapist, and to be honest, I think you're scared to focus on the real issue by focusing on his porn usage. The real issue is, why isn't he having sex with you for the past few weeks? You need to sit down and ask him. You can tell him your observations about porn, but it's better to talk to him first and get his reasons before bringing porn onto the table.
Porn addiction can lead to a diminished desire for sex, but usually that's accompanied by erectile dysfunction as well or is needing additional stimulation during sex, such as rougher or asking for more kinkier sex acts. He may be unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse because he's used to porn and his hand. He may want to watch porn during sex with you, he may be constantly online and becomes irritable when you are around him while he's on the computer.
You say that he complains that you don't dress like a porn star? That part is interesting to me. Now, does he bring that up on his own, or did he respond to a question you put to him, such as "do you wish I look more like one of your porn stars you watch" or something? If he brought up the subject out of the blue and it wasn't prompted by you, then that could be possible addiction because it would tie into his need for more extreme stimulation. However, if you brought it up, it doesn't really mean anything except that he wished you were bolder in the bedroom. A lot of people love the idea of making love like a porn star, but most of those people who say that are ignorant of what that actually is.
Bottom line - have a long talk with him. Make no conclusions, and DO NOT deflect from the real issue, which isn't porn, but why he's refusing sex with you. Be openminded to everything, because it could be as harmless as being stressed or on a medication that reduces libido, to a possible medical issue, or unresolved resentment, or some psychological issue like some guys who have a hard time being sexual after watching childbirth or something, or it could be very serious like cheating. Porn addiction is a possibility as well, but it's one of many, and finding out that he uses porn doesn't mean that that is all it is.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 To me the 'fly in the ointment' was the "seems to be" reference. Youcan't say someone IS addiced to something and en say they seem to be aivted. I was addicted to smoking,I didn't seem to be...Iknew I was and if not for the stroke it caused,I'd still be smoking. Thehealth risk from smoking addiction isn't comparable to a porn addiction. If there is such a thing as 'porn addiction' I don't know the downside eccept that it bothers some people that don't like sex vey much.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Does HE see it as an addiction? Does HE want to do anything about it? Have you two talked about it (without any accusations).
You can't FIX this for him. HE will have to accept that he has it and be WILLING to change it, get help and work hard on it.
...............................
|
