A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for two years and together for eleven. Last year, we began seriously discussing opening our marriage. We talked about it extensively and by January of this year, we felt like we had the ground rules and foundation set to go through with this.By February, I met a man named H. that I was really attracted to and who understood the parameters of our open marriage. As a single guy, he also established that he would not be monogamous with me and was open to dating someone if the opportunity came up. We began a hot and heavy sexual relationship that month, but within three months I realized that I was falling in love with him. I talked to my husband about it and he was very sympathetic, but warned me that H. probably did not feel the same way. Anticipating this, I broke things off with H. by the end of June. I spent the entire month of July devastated by the loss of my lover and the only comfort I found came by resuming our relationship in August. My husband seemed uncomfortable, but didn't object.Here's the problem: By mid-October, I realized that I had indeed fallen in love with H. and it had come between my husband and I. I was so in love with him that I would've done anything to be with him exclusively. When I told him how I felt, he immediately broke things off with me. Needless to say, I'm devastated again. I've never had my heart broken before H, so losing him has been more painful than I could've imagined.I've accepted that my relationship with H. is probably over for good this time, but I struggle with how to repair the damage it caused with my husband. My feelings fluctuate between wanting to go back to monogamy with him to wanting a separation until I can come to terms with my feelings for H. My husband does not want to split up and has said he'd do anything to stay together (especially closing our marriage). Any advice on how to get my marriage back on track or is the best thing a trial separation?
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 The less you see, hear or think of H, the better. Focus on your marriage. Close those doors and start treating your marriage as you should have from the beginning. Marriage is sacred and should ALWAYS be treated as such. Cherish it. Start dating again, reconnect with each other again. If any part of you loves your husband, then listen to that part and never heed the discomforts of the part of you that ruined you, the part of you that still yearns for H.
Talk to each other about this until there is nothing more to talk about and then eventually, with time, what ever feelings you have for H shall fade away.
But perhaps a trial separation is for the best. Only if all other options have been exhausted.
I hope that helps.
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