A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My parents were not terrible parents. They were good parents but there is some conflicts between us. My dad always prefer my older brother over me and my half-sister (my dad and brother have more things in common) and my dad would always takes my brother's side, no matter what happens. My mom worries about everything and freaks out about stuff that she does not need to freak out about. When I was 19 years old (about 15 years ago), I moved out of the house and decided to move to Tennessee (I am from Louisiana but always loved visiting Tennessee when I was a kid). I have a good paying job and I am very happy. I have stayed in contact with my family (my parents and my siblings) and I am actually the godfather of my niece (my half-sister's daughter). When I go home to visit, I stay in a hotel instead of staying at my parents home or my brother's home (my half-sister lives in North Carolina and I visit her regularly). I love my brother, my half sister and parents but I think me moving out and moving to another state has been great for our relationship. The problem is my dad is retiring in September and they want to come visit me for two weeks. I don't mind as long as they are some boundaries and that they stay in a hotel (I am more than willing to pay for the hotel room for a two week visit). The question is what is the best way for me to handle this situation? We do get along a million times better than what we did 15 years ago, but I just don't want our relationship to take the wrong turn.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): "Hey mom, dad or (however you call them ; Can't wait for you guys to arrive. I made your reservations at Hotel X the room is all paid for. Call me when you get settled and I'll be right there. We can have (fill in the meal) and I can show you guys around."
You can send that in a text email or tell them over the phone. When or if they say what do you mean hotel? Tell them you love them, you look forward to seeing them but you think that for the health of your relationship it would be best if they stayed at a hotel. If they push more, man up and tell them why.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): Family can be demanding or expect too much, sometimes not seeing your point of view and thinking that simply because you are related and younger you owe them. The way you handle this now will create a precedent. If you give in now and allow them to be in your home for two weeks they will expect it other times in the future.
You are quite right and anyway you do not need to justify and explain your reasons for preferring them to be in a hotel. You can decide these things for any reasons that suit you. As you are happy to pay for the hotel they cannot complain. Tell them how great the hotel is, tell them about the fabulous reviews you have heard about from others, make it sound as if you wish you were the lucky one who was able to be there for two weeks. If you need to go into more detail - and it is best that you do not - as going into reasons and justifications is wearing
and you are a grown adult who should not need to -
then explain that you will be busy at work and out a lot and that way you will not have to worry about neglecting them. That it is better to arrange to spend an evening together on the evenings you are free (want to)_ or whatever. And make sure you tell them that you have all sorts of goodies in store for them, some which they can do on their own while you are busy. So they do not get the feeling they are dumped in a hotel room to sit around bored. You can also throw in little remarks about "what a shame I am working on monday when you go to do such and such, I would have loved to have gone there with you" - even if this is not at all true.
Most will assume that your parents somehow own you and you are obliged to do what they want. I've got more sense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): It might hurt your mother's feelings; and set your dad at odds considering this is somewhat of a small reunion of sorts. If you're concerned about Covid-19 exposure due to their high-risk age (convenient excuse); that might ease the shock somewhat.
Let's look at this from an emotional point of view. Your parents deserve respect no matter how things were back during your childhood. You said your relationship has improved since; but it's not really from staying in a hotel during a visit. That was your choice, they didn't ask you to. They welcomed you back into their home. You've matured considerably since your childhood, but you have a low-tolerance for drama. You're paying for their hotel stay; and it offers them a place for peace and quiet. They'll have certain comforts; and it minimizes cleanup, and the biggest perk is that you're paying for it! There might be a state-requirement for a two-week quarantine in Tennessee; since Louisiana is considered a hot-spot.
There comes a point in time; as your parents are aging, that you are going to have to come to terms with a few things from the past. You attribute distance as a factor that eases tensions. Since that is your real reason; then I guess you will have to tell them that in the most polite and respectful way that you can. I would suggest you say something like; "I will arrange for a comfortable hotel-room during your visit. It might keep things peaceful, you'll have a comfortable bed; and you'll have a comfy place you can spend some quiet restful time together while you're here."
Anticipate your dad, to speak-up and ask why? Then man-up and speak to him man to man. "Dad, our past has been somewhat contentious; and I want things to stay peaceful and family-like; and minimize the family-drama that could arise during your stay. Please humor me, I think this is best."
Remember, he was there during those days; and he has a memory too. At some point, you'll have to show some forgiveness. Moms are moms, so freaking-out over every little thing is in the Universal Mom's Handbook! Unless you are raising kids of your own; you may not see or understand what's going on in a parent's mind as they are raising several different personalities in one house. How some kids require more discipline than others; and some kids offer their parents a love that touches them a little differently from their other siblings. Some are more like one of either of their parents; and they may get along easier. You may have been a better kid than your dad ever was; and he doesn't like it staring him in the face, and reminding him how much better you are.
Parents may try to treat their kids all the same, but they aren't all the same. If your father was cruel to you, or mistreated you in some-way; you are going to have to have a moment of truth. Address the past; so you can move on and move forward from it. Dads don't live forever, neither do sons. The deathbed is an awful place to reconcile differences and exchange forgiveness!!! If raised in the southern Bible-belt, you know something about the scriptures regarding forgiveness!
You are no longer a boy, you're a man now; and he is older and wiser. If he still behaves the same as before; then he'll know instinctively why you're placing them in a hotel. You still need to get-over the past; and expect to be treated differently now that you're a man, and can stand-up for yourself. Let your mom get all mom-ish; and freaked-out over everything like they're supposed to. One day she will be gone, and you will miss it terribly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2020):
 SELL it to them as YOU are doing this for them :)
Seriously!
Try and make an itinerary with stuff you would like to do with them while they are there, things to show them, places to eat etc.
But also tell them that you WANT them to be comfortable and able to just relax and not have to think about a thing. That YOU wanted to spoil them a little! (hopefully you aren't planning on Motel 6 or something like that lol) That way they can come and go as they please (if you are working during the day)
Avoid over-explaining or making too many (or overly detailed) excuses.
Or if that is too uncomfortable, maybe suggest you all meet in a 3 location ? A vacation away from home? If that is possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): Well, you can always lie ;)
Seriously now, what is you apartment like? Even if you have a spare bedroom, living with someone for two weeks may be too long if you have to share a bathroom or even a kitchen!
You could always say, and I'm sure that there's a grain of truth in it, that you would love to spend quality time with them, hence you paying for the hotel, but that you are under so much pressure at work and need your (apartment) space.
I had a similar situation a few days ago. My aunt asked if she could come to our house for a week. We live in the countryside and usually our family and friends drop buy during the summer months for a vacation.
Ordinarily we'd say yes, BUT where we live, despite the loosening of the pandemic measures, the virus is spreading so fast and many doctors recommend, what I call voluntary partial isolation, which means among other things seeing people, you do not live with, out in the open, avoiding visiting friends and family in closed spaces, let alone staying with them. The trouble is many people, and my aunt is among them, ignore the fact that we are still "under siege" and just live their lives as they normally would. That's why I don't think ill of my aunt for wanting to come.
However, I cannot let her stay with us. Not just because I am protecting my family, but because I'm also protecting her.
There are no hotels or houses we could rent for her here, otherwise we would have offered her that option. Telling her the real reasons - covid 19 - is not something she understands. It would be like talking to a flat earther about the curve of the horizon - he just doesn't believe there is such a thing.
I'm not proud, but I lied to her. I told her we will have some work done on the house.
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