A
male
age
41-50,
*kegawa
writes:My girlfriend and I recently argued about TRUST and HONESTY in a relationship. We were BF/GF now for almost 5months now but we've known each other and started going out for 10months already. I often asked her about her day's work and often times before, she always tell me mostly, if not all, about what happened to her. But later in the few months of us being together, i often caught her saying things differently than what is actually happened. In other words, she LIES(my own assumption) and we used to have big arguments about these things with both of us resorting to break up (but didn't eventually pushed thru). Now, she always tells me that "If it is Love then you've got to have trust and if there's no trust then i guess there's a problem." Now, i often tell her "In a relationship, you have to be open to small things."Imagine asking simple informations from her are like pulling teeth. Now I'm having a hard time talking to her and asking her 'How are you today?', 'Where did you go for lunch?', 'Why are you going home early from work?' and stuffs like that because of the thought that she might get offended in some way. Now, im trying to avoid questions like 'Nice cologne, where did get this?' since it may be an affront to her. Simple things i cant ask and simple things i tell her that i dont like that transforms into a sickening frustration from her that makes her furious about the whole questioning thing.I know my beliefs in a relationship are right and justifiable that trust is not given freely and must be earned. How? i believe it is through communication and openness of both persons.My question to my situation is, how do i go about in proving my point to her? Since every time i explain to her, she doesnt listen and tells me that im manipulating her and such that it is not healthy. Now I'm thinking if this is a deal breaker for me since its gonna be hard if she keeps behaving this way unless you guys have a sound advice.
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female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I'm with you on this one. If she has nothing to hide, it will flow. You seem to have an unhealthy situation here. You don't believe her as you caught her out on the small stuff. A liar needs a good memory, so the less she tells you, the less she has to remember.
However, some people are naturally less open than others, they are more private, whilst some people tell the colour of their underwear to strangers. Either she is a liar, or her natural openness is not as 'open' as what you are comfortable with. I think this relationship is doomed in either scenario. You can move on and meet a truthful open person or annoy yourself forever with this setup and I could only imagine the dynamics worsening, you feel more locked out and asking more questions (to get closer), resulting in her pulling away more. Or you closing down and her feeling hurt, but because of her lack of openness not being able to let you into her personal space. Not a healthy soil for seeds of love to grow. Sorry about that.
Katy
A
male
reader, Ikegawa +, writes (21 November 2007):
Ikegawa is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the answers guys, sorry for the little delay on the response for your answers.
Back to my story. Yes, i do realize that I recently ask alot of questions and i also feel bad about it. But it all started 2 months ago. We're suppose to meet at a place before going to work (we're in same office), we decided that she'll use her car to pick me up on that place. while im on my way to that place, we texted and called each other to know where the other is. Then suddenly, she called me on my mobile and told me that I'll just go ahead to work and not wait for her anymore because she said she would be going to the laundry and water station and would still go back to her dorm and it would be inconvenient for me to wait for her, so i said ok. when i arrived at work, i found her car parked and she arrived earlier than me when supposedly ill be the first one to arrive. anyways, i asked her straight, "why, is there someone with you in the car?" (since, my other officemate saw a guy coming out of the car at the parking lot and told me prior to asking my gf) although im not jealous with the guy because i know his face since we're in the same company but different dept.
then she told me that she was with him(she already knew the guy at work before) that time she called and she told me that she met the guy at the laundry and asked her to get a free ride to work. She told me she couldnt say NO and the inconvenience of them waiting for me blah blah blah... (she told me alot of reasons).. well then i asked her why didnt you tell me while we're on the phone? she told me that the guy might be embarrassed if he knew shell pick me up. i told her "you could just have picked me up and all of us could go to work." and so on.. the argument continues..
my question is, whats her motive in doing that? why she have to hide it from me at the time she called? And she could have just picked me up at that place and all three of us could go to work. Why should she dropped me off with our agreement/plan? (rumors say that the guy like her and she knows it) but im not really jealous at him.anyways..
Since then i asked questions already, i begin to doubt. i still have lots of stories to share about us but to the issue of "asking too much" or "not being to communicate well". thanks for the responses
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 First of all let’s get one thing straight: MEN and WOMEN are different! That means they think differently and communicate in different ways. Most men talk straight to women and are totally honest, and women don’t understand this. They think we have a hidden agenda, and we don’t! Why is that? Simple answer: because they themselves are not truly honest with us, even when they are in love with us and seem to trust us. Why is it that many women keep diaries and most men don’t bother? Because women like to keep secrets, even if only to themselves. There’s nothing ulterior about this, it’s simply the way women and think and behave, and I can’t explain it so don’t ask. Women carry purses, men don’t. It’s related really. Women carry their lives in their purse which is hidden from our view, with the occasional exception of the see through one, while we men carry our wallets in our back pocket and a cell phone to our belt clips. We men like to keep it simple, we like it that way. Have you ever taken a look at the contents of a woman’s purse (don’t do it in front of her)? It’s scary. But back to my point. The thing is women think differently. They also think we should think like them, which is crazy. They think we should read their minds. Really. How crazy is that? Let me tell you brother, even if we could read their minds we would not understand them. You hear a lot of women talk about honesty and trust in a relationship, but when you come down to it women prefer that you be the honest party while they keep their secrets. That is the way women are and you have to face it. Maybe women feel that by keeping their secrets they are safer from any hurt you might give them. Your girlfriend I feel has probably been hurt in the past by being too honest with a guy. In any case it’s common for women to be a little dishonest with men. Don’t take it too personal. It’s a chick survival thing what can I say.Maybe in time your girlfriend will be a little more upfront with you. Be patient with her. Back off when she asks you to, and follow her rules. You just can’t change her, and don’t try to. In the long run, brother, to make a woman happy you have to do what she says, and treat her right. Don’t make this a deal breaker unless you have proof she has something evil to hide, like seeing another guy. Her seeing another guy is a deal beaker!
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