A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So often the advice on here involves seeking out counseling or therapy. My wife and I have some sexual issues dealing with her lack of desire that she is not comfortable talking to me about. She sees herself as completely asexual at this point and it depresses her. I suggested we go get counseling as we are not able to resolve this problem ourselves after years of trying and she agreed. However, the next step - taking the plunge - is proving very difficult. We talked about whether she wanted to find a therapist or if I should. She said that I should because I have more time and she trusts that I will do the research and find someone good. We don't have any referrals from anyone and we are afraid to ask, because - frankly - we don't want to air our dirty laundry to anyone we know. Outwardly, we seem like the perfect, happy couple. I am not saying that I like maintaining the charade, but we are private people and it's none of their business what is happening in our bedroom. I do feel I can talk about this with a stranger, hence posting to this forum.I asked her if she felt more comfortable talking to a man or a woman and she said she'd prefer to talk to a much older man. This is going to be a little bit weird for me as I do not relate well to men and feel uncomfortable opening up to them. All of the close friends in my life have been women. Also, most of the therapists in our area are women so limiting it to men really cuts down the pool. I think that maybe she has similar feelings about being able to open up to women so I will try it for her as she seems to be the one with more to get off her chest. I am very open and willing to communicate with her. I just fear that I may not be as warm to the process if I have to talk about intimate aspects of my relationship with a man.Other concerns:- Do we go to couples counseling or individual counseling? I imagine a therapist will make that determination, but for our first appointment I guess we should go as a couple?- Do we go to a MFT, a social worker, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a sex therapist? I noticed that all of the above sometimes market themselves as sex therapists and clearly all MFT are trained to deal with sexual problems. We did a little research on it and my wife seems to think a sex therapist is what she wants to see. She doesn't really want to start at ground zero and talk about her mother and all of that analysis. She says that she had some emotional problems with me in the past that she is over and now she just needs help with feeling desire for sex again. That is, she would rather someone help her have sex again than to try to resolve some deep-seated emotional issues and hope that sexual desire returns as a result. - We are rather untrusting of the psychological profession. That's one reason we tried so hard to solve this ourselves. We have acquaintances who are in the field (two psychologists and a psychiatrist) and we sometimes question some of the things they do and say. For example, one of our acquaintances told us about a married couple she saw and how they really wore on her because they kept coming to see her but nothing was changing. She stopped caring and she says eventually refused to see them any longer telling them "You have my blessing to kill each other. Have a nice life." She retired from the field shortly after. We also have had three acquaintances kill themselves while under care. I realize that this is like blaming a surgeon when a critically ill patient dies and it is not fair at all, but it makes us apprehensive - especially when dealing with psychiatrists and the drugs they like to prescribe. There is a messy lawsuit pending against a drug manufacturer after one of the deaths.- What kinds of things should we ask when interviewing a prospective doctor/counselor? I have noticed that some of them post very scary things on their web sites like "You may not stay together as a couple, but my goal is to make sure you are both happy going forward." This sounds good in theory (to be happy no matter the end result), but as a couple we don't really want to split up and I am wary of anyone who too readily comes to that conclusion. We want help staying together, not someone feeding us crap about how the best way to be happy is to go our own ways and putting ideas into our heads. Splitting up would be a last resort for me, even if it means never having sex with my wife again. Likewise, some of these people seem to have religious/spiritual approaches whether it is Christian or some sort of Eastern religion. We really don't want to hear about chakras or Scripture and so on. I know that some of the aunts on this site have mentioned that they have gone to counseling, so I would appreciate any advice about how you selected someone, did you have to try several, was the experience positive, and any other advice. It is very easy to tell someone "Go seek help!" but taking that next step is not easy for some of us who need it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Check the APA ( American Psychology Association ) website.
http://www.apa.org/
They have a Psychologist Locator service that lets you consider many factors in your search, location,type of your problem, spacialization, gender, age, and more.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Your wife IS sick. She has issues with libido, alcoholism and depression. She's not healthy. Go get her a good doctor. Start there and maybe she can get on the path to wellness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): OP here:Thanks for your response. No, we are not fully committed to the process, but we are at our wit's end and the next step is to either split up or accept it. I don't think either of us wants those outcomes - at least not without making more of an effort. I have tried self-help books, we wrote long heart-wrenching letters to each other, and so on and while I think it was somewhat helpful it did not resolve the problem. Therefore, we consider counseling a last resort.I should have mentioned that she had her hormones checked and they are fine. I know from experience that her parts all work, too, because every once in a blue moon (a year ago last July) we have sex. She was on an antidepressant for a while (prescribed by her doctor) and while I am not sure what it did for her depression it didn't do anything for her libido. She is now off of the drug for a few years and says she doesn't need it and feels better without it, but she has had problems with depression and alcoholism off-and-on through our relationship.As for relationships with doctors, I wish I had a good relationship with one, but neither of us do. We are both healthy people and only tend to go when we are sick. I haven't been for years and she has only been for a broken toe and some stitches in her hand. We don't have regular doctors we trust. That's a good idea, though, and might help someone else who does have a regular doctor.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2011):
Frankly, I'd start with your GP or her GYN. If you have a good physician, he or she will have some good people to refer you to. It also helps that they are committed to patient privacy and there's a chance your insurance will be able to cover part of the expenses. I'd make sure your wife had a complete physical too, there may be some underlying medical issue that is contributing to her loss of libido and depression and you might as well find out if this a physical problem before going to all the trouble of finding the appropriate mental health professional.
I was diagnosed with depression back in 2008, my doctor gave me an antidepressant which I took as directed and within a year, I had turned my life around. The sun is shining for me again. I have been off the medication for nearly 2 years and I manage my mental health with yoga, working out, and nutrition. Chocolate and wine too. ha.
That being said, I found my counselor way back when from the University I was attending through their student counseling center. He was a psychologist and helped me deal with some underlying issues I'd been very busy running from for many years. He was expensive but well worth it.
Now, if I felt the need for someone to support my mental health, I'd be going to my GP for a referral. I trust him to have a good idea what I needed.
It's interesting that your wife expects you to find her MH professional for her. Not surprising, but interesting. She's not really fully engaged in this process just yet, probably due to her depression. I really urge you to get her examined by her doctor. If you want to know more about my experience, please PM me.
Honestly, you sound as though you are both resistant to the entire idea. You're coming up with a lot of exclusionary criteria, before even having had one conversation with anyone. I think you both are scared, which would be natural, just don't handicap yourself before you even begin the process, okay? A bit more open-mindedness, a lot less focus on the negative. And just to let you know, I know two people who killed themselves under care as well. I also know many others who have had good results. What's the difference? The two who did commit suicide were extremely depressed and I guess I would say despondent. Does your wife feel suicidal? Do you? If not, I wouldn't worry about that happening.
I found two links for you to explore, but again I think I would suggest you speak to your medical doctor, your GP or her GYN first for trusted referrals.
http://www.mentalhelp.net/
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/
Good luck to you and your wife as you tackle the challenge facing you.
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