A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Here goes. I have been single for over 13 years and have two teen children. I ended up dating about four years ago. I was in a relationship that lasted six months, but broke up because of communication and sexual issues. I am still friends with this individual. I had another relationship that lasted 2 months and broke up because I wasn't over the first one. Also still friends with this individual. I have dated on and off ever since mostly online. I work in a field where are no men and the few that are usually are way to young for me and in most cases married. I'm fed up with the dating scene especially the meeting one has with online dating. I really just want to go on with my life focus on work and my kids. I also enjoy hanging out with friends, keeping in shape and doing volunteer work. The problem is that I'm having a hard time giving up on dating. I fell into dating a few years back and have regretted it ever since. I have had no luck or bad luck with dating in general, but at the same time I would really like to find someone that I can travel through life with. I'm not looking for someone with a six pack or who makes six figures, just someone who treats me well (including my kids)and who is willing to stick things out when times get rough. I'm looking for a partner that would meet me halfway. All but, one of my online dates where disappointing. I have been on at least 25+ I am usually fine with my single status, but during my hormonal moments all I see is couples and that seems like all I want. I have been told that I am attractive, I work out so I'm in much better shape than most women my age, am smart, funny and have a huge heart ready to give it to someone, but afraid my heart won't take being broken again. How can I give up on wanting a man? I so desperately want to. Please don't give me the when your not looking crap. I didn't look for nine years and no such person came into my life. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): Thanks everyone for the advice. I really don't want to want a man in my life. I guess I come across that I really want one, but would rather not. I guess it is a hard concept in our society, but I figure if I haven't had any luck finding someone in over 13 years, someone or something is trying to tell me something, like it probably isn't going to happen. I think what makes it worse is things like fb where people are always posting things like in a relationship or celebrating anniversaries. I could wish that I didn't make the decision on asking the man out, but I did and look at it as not so much a mistake, but a learning experience. I'm getting better at being happy for friends, who are single and have recently found someone. I no longer ask why not me? Or what is wrong with me? Why don't I have someone? It is what it is. I'm an awesome person and any man would be lucky to have me in their life. Mine must be on Mars and lost because he doesn't want to ask for directions. When I do get those pangs of wanting someone, I will have to remind myself that good relationships take work and time. I'm better off being happy alone than unhappy in a relationship or with the wrong person. Thanks everyone. If you have an further comments or suggestions, I still would appreciate them. Hope everyone has a peaceful day :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): Thanks Abella. I have done some of the things you mentioned already. I work out, have worked on my home. The travel sounds good, but don't have the money to do that. I have two jobs again and do occasional volunteer work. I adore men, but no man seems to want me at least for not more than a friend. I have been basically alone for the last 13 years except for about 9 months. I know so many people that have just gotten single and seem to have no problems finding men. I'm not super skinny or a beauty queen, but I am a size 5/6 and clean up good. I'm smart, been told I'm funny and have a big heart. Just frustrated that I can't even find a date to save my life and seeing almost everyone else finding someone right away, while I have been waiting for so long, I just feel it is time to give up because it looks like it isn't going to happen. I will just have to accept not matter what I do men just look at me as a friend and not a girlfriend, lover or wife. I have a lot of married men that would probably wouldn't mind dating me, but would never think of going there. Like I said I'm not looking for perfection, just a man that is smart, funny, and treats me well. I'm not looking for a lot of money or looks other than maybe a nice smile or eyes. I guess I'm no ones, type and just have to deal with it. Only looking for one person and thought it isn't too much to ask for but, in my case I guess it is :( Thanks so much for your help. I will be fine just feel this way while I'm hormonal and usually goes away in a few days.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 May 2012):
 You want to give up the thought of ever having a man in your life ever again. So I am going to brainstorm on some ideas that I hope might help
1. Collect every picture you possibly can of men who make you feel truly and uterly repulsed. Cover a board with all the pictures. Frame and varnish it and hang it behind a door where you will see it from time to time to remind you what you are saying goodbye to
2. start writing a novel and make the major bone of contention a man who epitomises all that you do not like in men
3. Replace the company of men with a new interest in helping animals. There may be a volunteer place nearby where you can give support and care to animals on a semi-regular basis according to your schedule.
4. Investigate a comsuming hobby where you will need to use your intellectual gifts and your creativity - I suggest glass blowing may fit the bill.
5. Take up jewellery making and make money from it.
6. Start watching travel programs and encourage your enthusiasm to travel in the future.
7. Learn home maintenance skills so you never need to call up a handyman.
8. Take up painting either in oils or watercolour and express your emotions and your feelings on canvas or water color painting paper.
9. Take up long distance running and consider doing some marathons in the future.
10. Buy a sport bicycle and take up cycling at weekeneds as it can be very relaxing and get your endorphins charged up.
If this answer does not hit the spot them please let me know.
Although I think men are delightful and lovely I am respecting your wish to want to stop wanting a man in your life.
I do hope something helps or works to address your request.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): I appreciate the advice but, you don't get it. I want to give up on having a man in my life. I don't want to take a break I want to give up on the idea entirely. Have been without a steady companion for most of 13 years and plan on continuing having no man. Need help on giving up on the fantasy of living happily after. My happily ever after would not include a man.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I think the post you put here on DC should be the profile on a dating website...it's gritty, honest, stripped bare and cuts no crap.
A lot of men are insecure and think they arn't good enough (especially if you yourself look great) they may think you are out of their league, but when you state exactly what you are looking for in a 'no holds barred' way, it lets a guy know exactly what he can give you and so what if he isn't Mr Universe!!! Most women don't really care about looks anyhow.
You want to find a partner and I also don't really believe the 'he will appear when you stop looking' crap!!! I think you have to keep looking, keep searching, keep trying because as you get older it becomes harder and harder.
Don't be a love fool and fall for the first guy that comes along. Get to know someone's intentions before you go jumping in but do give people a fair chance to show you what they are offering. Even at our age, rushing into sex too soon is a mistake and has all the damaging effects that it has on younger women.
I really loved your post...I think that approach will definitely get you what you want and need...no promises of course but it cannot do any harm to give it a go.
Chin up and hugs xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 You are not ready to date again, but one day you might be. It's hard to believe only one out of 25 had been a good date. There could be things you are not telling us here. What do you think about the sex and communication issues? Were they still present in the dating period? They say it takes to kiss 10 frogs to find a prince. I wonder what that date said to you, what happened to make you want to give up on dating. Maybe you need to forget about dating a while. Enjoy the bed all to yourself, no snoring, no losing the blanket, and just enjoy the quietness. After a few months there will be new men in the profiles. They don't know you, your history. You just need to refresh your mind and your attitude on men and dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): What a thoughtful and thought provoking answer from one of my favorite aunts Abella.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 May 2012):
It's the 'wanting' that is de-railing you. When you are not looking you are more likely to find someone. When you are convinced you don't need a guy he is more likely to become part of your life. When you emphatically state that you have it all, already, and have given up on the idea of a partner in the future, then things can happen.
Because you stop looking like you need a man. You challenge guys, by your statement that you no longer want a man in your life.
You relax.
You focus on other things.
The guys feel more relaxed, as you do not seem in need of a guy. They can relax, and get to know you, without the pressure of you doing your best to impress him.
And will present seem capable. Not in nn
Just go with the flow.
If it is meant to happen it will.
Get out enjoy life and enjoy everything there is to enjoy (without dating/without actively looking for a guy).
In the past you have dated, kept an eye out for the right guy, made judgements about who seems almost right, not quite right please.
Now the pressure is off.
You can now choose all the elements that give you pleasure. What you will not put up with.
Get to be the authentic absolute you, with no compromises. Wear what makes you feel comfortable.
Such positive confidence and total faith in you, can be very attractive to the right man.
But first you have to put 100% faith in you, that you can let go of the past, re-group, and become who you are meant to be. Without the need to look for a guy. And one day a really smart nice guy will recognise his kindred spirit.
Best Wishes for you happy future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): Do not give up on dating, just forget the online stuff. Meeting men anywhere is better than going through bad photos,endless emails, online persona etc. You have the ability to stay friends with men, confidence, personality. Dont know where your going wrong but do not throw in the towel.
Just find other ways to meet maybe a good dating agency in town, or introductions via friends, just wondering round a hardware store. Smile,flirt a bit.
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