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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am an extreme pessimist but that never bothered be till now, I have a wonderful boyfriend who is amazing and treats me amazing he has never done anything to hurt me, but I have become paranoid in my relationship with my boyfriend due to everyone else’s (such as my friends) negativity (I guess that’s peer pressure?), they all broke up with there boyfriends and they were all so hurt and I started thinking about how hard that must have been for them and started worrying that one day it would happen to me, and that I would be hurt and very time I would start imagining this I would cry. Then I started reading articles and things on relationships that don’t work and what’s healthy in a relationship and what’s not, that only worsened things for me i now question my love for him constantly which has never happened before now. I feel like distancing myself from him now, although i enjoy seeing him everyday i dont like him kissing me anymore. I think about breaking up, being hurt, jealousy, regret, losing the love of my life when i should be happy that we are togeather. how do i get such negative thoughts out of my head, even though stress of these thoughts make me want to just give up my heart is telling me to never let him go. what do i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): I have had this problem before, about 8 months ago ish. I had constant negative thoughts about my relationship, and doubted my love for my girlfriend. It got me feeling really depressed and anxious. I had lots of gum problems and had a mild case of depression. It lasted a very long time and recently I have felt it come back slightly.
What you need too do it look at the facts. You say your friends may have made you feel like this, however it could be somthing far different, such as problems at college? school? or work?, family problems? etc. Or the most common case is S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is common omong the months of September through too April. This can give you many 'negative comments' that make you feel sad.
Another major thing, in which me and my girlfriend will improve in time, is our routine. We don't really do a lot together and go out and have fun and a good time. We end up sitting around and watching TV and occasionally go out too the cinema, but due too travel and money constraints we cann't until I can drive. Is your routine with your boyfriend good for you?
Have a hard think, do not listen too your friends, they are just jelous at the fact you have a nice boyfriend. Treat every day as if its your last that is the way it works and there is nothing you can do about that. Just have fun and don't worry about the negative thoughts in your head, we all go through them during relationships usually when we want change, this does not mean you do not love the person you are with. It will pass with time!
Good Luck!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): HEY yeah im the one who posted this, i would just like to Thank everyone im feeling better already and i am going to see someone i can talk to very soon (therapist), and my bf is very supportive he says its a phase and i love this boy very very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): Sounds as if your friends' experiences with their bfs did prey on your mind and had a negative effect on you! But keep in mind that their experiences are not yours. For instance, they were unhappy with their relationships, but your bf treats you very well.
Its a very good idea to stay away from relationship books and articles! I'm serious! I have found that whenever I've read some of them, I regret it - because, they INTEND to be helpful, but in reality only give you things to worry about - as you have found out.
Try to focus your energies instead, mentally, on the good things about your bf. Nice way he behaves toward you; the fun you have when you're together, and so on. Think how fortunate you are to have him in your life!
Additionally, do go out and enjoy the social activities you like to do, either with friends or on your own - even if, sometimes, that is staying home with a book or tv program you're looking forward to reading or watching. If you then feel counselling would help, by all means go for it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): You've noticed your self-destructive behavour and that is actually a huge step to overcoming it.
I can only give you advice for the UK but I would suggest, if you can not deal with changing your thinking on your own, that you find someone to help you. I don't think getting a referral through your GP to see a councellor will help, to be honest. Waiting lists on the NHS and councellors who use out-of-date methods to bring about change is not something you need at your age.
What you want to do is find a therapist who uses more modern approaches to changing how think. For example, there are many techniques nowadays to alter your state, to change negative, destructive thinking, in to positive constructive thoughts. These techniques are learnt very quickly (as opposed to councelling that takes many, many months).
A very mainstream form of therapy is CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, an increasing number of councellors and people dealing with psychological problems are being trained in this. My personal opinion is that you should seek someone who is trained in NLP (Neuro linguistic Programming) perhaps a clinical hypnotherapist. These kind of people see clients who report your pain very often. You need to make sure though you see a properly qualified person who has experience dealing with your particular problem (PM me if you want any more help with this)
If you don't want to go down the professional-help route (you are very young after all) then there are ways of dealing with the negative thinking yourself. The mind is brilliant at giving you answers for all of your concerns, you just have to ask it the right questions. Your negative thinking originates from somewhere (do you want to distruct your relationship because you learnt to do this from another partner? or perhaps from a parent?)
If you like reading books then theres a good relationship book that applies NLP to your relationship problems, if you search on Amazon.co.uk for 0722538685 you should see it.
Other than that, I would suggest trying to see what you are doing what you want to change, and really work at being the person you want to be. You ideally need a partner who understands you, so if you can talk to him about whats going on in your head, all the better.
All the best with whatever you decide to do, I am sure it will work out in the end. Peter =)
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A
female
reader, goodaz +, writes (23 December 2006):
 hi.firstly i think you should advise some of your friends to seek councelling because there passing off their negative energy on you and they clearly have issues that they need to sort out from their past relationships. secondly,remember, out of you and your friends,no1 knows your boyfriend like you.unless,however they no something you dont,but no need to worry,if there your real friends, they would tell you.anyhow, if you havnt heard anything bad about your bf and hes a nice guy and treats you right,then i suggest you get the love back in your relationship before its to late and you push him away because, trust me ,you never know what you got til its gone.never let a good guy slip through your fingers,you may never find one again.xxxx.
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