A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for 4 years nearly and I loved him dearly. he's a good man I get on well with all his friends and family but we went through a difficult stage for a few months recently we were arguing and it just seemed like he disagreed with everything I said just to be difficult. I felt so frustrated and angry because every day we would argue. I emotionally shut down and our sex life took a nosedive. he then came to his senses and apologised saying he doesn't want to lose me. I love him so much but I am finding it difficult to get back to where we were and now things just feel so awkward. we have so many good memories together and I would be sad if it ended. but sometimes it feels like we just can't get that spark back. while we were arguing in that four months I Began talking more With A male friend of mine and it felt like we had more of a connection we grew closeI felt guilty but it was natural we have so many things in common. he developed feelings for me and if I was single I would definitely return those feelings. how do I get the spark back it feels like we have grown apart
View related questions:
sex life, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 September 2018):
 How are you expecting to get the spark back with your BF if you’re speaking to another guy?
There’s no sense here whatsoever. Of course the new guy is going to be on the charm offensive, he’s going to be the nicest guy you’ve ever met! He’s trying to get into your underwear. You have hit a rough patch with your BF so it feels like things could be over, but speaking to someone else isn’t helping. Your BF took the decision to apologise and said he doesn’t want to lose you, has he put more effort in? If so then this is on YOU to pull your finger out and make some effort also.
The grass will always look greener when new people come along during a dry spell. Your judgement will become clouded and that’s where it’s possible to make bad decisions. Get rid of the ‘friend’ and focus on your BF if you truly want this to work or else break up and speak to whoever you like.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): So you're out interviewing for your boyfriend's replacement? This male-friend comes along at such an advantageous time during your rocky-relationship with your man.
You just so happen to be having a slew of arguments and disagreements with your boyfriend. While this guy-friend is so agreeable, and such a great connection. I don't believe there's much guilt going-on here, as you claim. Just hormones on over-drive. Hoping it's your boyfriend's idea to breakup. Be disagreeable, until he simply gives-up!
The last thing you need is temptation hovering over a relationship in-trouble. If your post is sincere.
Paying compliments to some fellow other than the guy you're romantically-committed to; lessens the likelihood your boyfriend gets a fair-shake, or any emotional-dispensation. Even if he crawled on his hands and knees, and begged for forgiveness. You want a trade-in and an upgrade!
You're itching for a good excuse to cut him loose. You're not totally sure of this other guy; but you'll use him for the time being. He makes you feel good. He's also psychological-leverage. "Look, I've got another guy on my side; if you step out-of-line!" Not said aloud; but definitely implied! Would it look better, and make you more pitiful to on-lookers; if you can say HE dumped YOU? Then you can play injured or victimized.
These are hypothetical questions. You deserve the benefit of the doubt; but I also have to go by the evidence screaming at us.
The other-guy isn't just a friend, he's a romantic-interest. If any other kind of attraction towards you is involved. You're making your argument, only to justify your psychological-cheating; by explaining how unreasonable your boyfriend is. Explaining how you've grown-apart. Thus, your emotional shut-down. So, has that helped? Doesn't seem logical for someone eager to repair their relationship.
Shutting-down actually means tuning-out!
I guess your guy-friend makes your side of the problem easier for you? Get on your nerves; and you'll just turn to the other guy, and tilt the scale! Yeah, provoking jealousy is always a good solution to relationship-problems!
Your relationship has run it's course; and you seem to be contemplating cheating on your boyfriend. Your argument is certainly in favor of it. Your love-life took a nose-dive, you say? So now that friend seems a lot more appealing.
The spark isn't gone. Your relationship has run its course.
You feel empowered by your backup-plan. Your side-dude on-hold. You're deflecting and dodging blame, my dear! Is there a lady-friend acting as drama-coach and comforter for your boyfriend?
You're probably discussing your domestic-problems with this guy; so he will surely turn-on all his charm. Give you empathy, and be your rock. Always in agreement, and consistently on your side. So noble! It's uneven. This is two against one!
Even if it's the farthest thing from your mind; which I seriously doubt. That's how cheating begins.
Just breakup and stop pretending. I wish I could hear your boyfriend's side of this story.
I think a breakup will be the end-result. You have all your reasons, and his replacement; all set-up and in-place.
I'm playing the devil's advocate here. It's usually the guy's fault. Right?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2018):
 Yep, drop the male friend. He isn't helping your situation and he has his OWN ulterior motives. So IF you want to stay with your BF and give it a go, you NEED to block and cut off the male friend completely. You can't do both. And it's not fair on the male friend either, because if you have given him "hope" that you might drop the BF and see him... then you are kind of stringing him along.
What things did you argue over? Little things? Big things?
Are these issues sorted out? Are they important?
Do dates, DO things together with your BF, not just sit at home and veg out. Go for walks, out for lunch on the weekend, if you live together, then clean house, redecorate or just move furniture around. Cook together.
If it all doesn't work and the relationship JUST can not be "restarted" DO NOT jump immediately into a new relationship - not with your male "friend" nor anyone else. TAKE some time to be single.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 September 2018):
 If you want to get that spark back, you have to stop seeing that male friend and focus on your boyfriend. It takes time to rebuild the connection. You feel like your relationship is dying, indeed a part of it has to die. The part of it that causes your arguments. Your boyfriend has to mean his apologies and stop making fights. You both have to decide if the issues are really dealbreakers or not. A second chance in love can be better, if you put faith in it. A relationship hits a fork on the road when you not sure if you can make it long term. So this will be a time to decide that too. You don't want to waste another 4 years then find out you can't deal with each other's differences. Your boyfriend can't just get back together because he doesn't want to be alone or he doesn't want you to get another boyfriend.
...............................
|
