A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long but this vent is a long time coming. Please... try not to look at this as "another loner bitching about pointless shit". I'm really desperate right now and I need some advice. Thanks in advance.A little background before I get started: I have a boyfriend of 15.5 months who is my age (21). We're a great couple and he treats me with respect and dignity; the complete opposite of my ex. I also have a best friend who is my age who, unfortunately, lives in another state with her husband, a few years older, and their little daughter. They're also trying to get pregnant again. Another "close" friend of mine lives in the area for now but will be moving to another state again next year with her husband and they will be trying to get pregnant by then as well. This friend doesn't drink alcohol, she's a vegan, and she doesn't share my sense of humor like she used to in senior year. So, hanging out with her is almost pointless because I'm already super busy with everything else going on in my life.While I'm totally psyched that they're both moving on in life and doing their own things and having social lives and shit, I feel so... left behind. And alone, really. You see, I work full-time and I'm also in school full-time. The closest I've come to a social life since August has been occasional chats via Facebook and texting the same four people. I also do talk to some of my co-workers at my work but whenever I try to hang out with ANYONE, it never happens. My boyfriend works part-time though his work is very busy and he's looking for another job. He has the time to hang out with his co-workers a lot. Plus, most of his friends are unmarried with no kids and they all still live in the area. Which means, he hangs out with people at least three times a week while I hang out with people, check it, ZERO times a week.I'm also in the process of trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. What area I want to work in. For medical reasons I cannot join the miliary. I have two other serious medical issues. I'm paying bills that have everything to do with my run down car but what can you do when you work for low pay.I'm the only one out of my boyfriend and I who has the ability to save money because I'm the one making the most. I'm saving to get an apartment in 2012 and I also spend some of my money on him because I honestly like to. He tells me not to but I really don't mind it. But I'm always so damn exhausted and I've been taking it out on the one person who really doesn't deserve it: my boyfriend. He listens when I bitch about the same shit everyday (not having a social life, always getting behind on my homework, how much my job sucks most of the time) and he tells me he can understand where I'm coming from. But honestly, he doesn't. I told him at the beginning of the semester in August that we wouldn't have a social life for a while and we'll just have to grit our teeth for the next four years; I didn't realize how much I would be eating my own words. He tells me to try harder at making friends but, unfortunately, I'm not as extroverted as he is. I do talk to a couple of people in a couple of my classes but they also know the "angry" side of me. Sometimes I lose it and an outburst results.My boyfriend's co-workers tell him to bring me along and I always want to but my body and my mind just want rest. Just today, one of his co-workers (who is a friend of mine on Facebook) posted about her recent girls night. I want so badly to hang out with people; especially other women my own age but... exhaustion and my school work and long days at my job get in the way.What the hell am I supposed to do!? Please... someone... tell me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): It sounds to me like you are very determined and that can be a good thing.
But
What is slightly odd is that, other than having one goal - which is to get a property in 2012 - you have no other firm goals.
Because of this, I would tend to think that you are actually working so hard and studying so hard because you are desparate to "get somewhere", but the "somewhere" that you seem to want to get to is an inner place/space where life feels much better. In other words, it sounds like you have, underneath everything else, very low self esteem that you are trying to overcome by using all your time for work and study.
People can get into strange patterns in life where, without realising what they are doing, the patterns that they set up become "legitimate" or "rational" or "rules" that they think they cannot change, when actually it is them that have imposed these ways of behaving in the first place.
I imagine right now that you feel you can't change anything at all and that you are stuck and trapped.
You mention that you have an "angry" side. Whilst anyone in your situation would be likely to get very stressed, I imagine that this anger is what is underneath everything and what is giving you the low self-esteem and making you structure your life in such a way that people literally cannot touch you emotionally.
It may seem coincidence or just inevitable that you never go out and meet new people, but I think that without realising it you are producing a situation like that in order that you keep maintaining a way of living in which your anger is "protected" and no one can get near to it.
It is similar to a friend of mine who without fail gets attracted to unavailable men and who has NEVER had a long term relationship and never been in love. After several years of listening to her stories, something "clicked" one day and I realised that, in going for unavailable men like her dentist or her tutor or famous actors even, SHE HERSELF WAS REMAINING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AS WELL - in other words, much as she hated not having a boyfriend, she kept going for unavailable men becuause she did not want to be "touched" emotionally. After some years more, it became clear to both of us that she really did have major issues that she needed to see a psychologist about - for example, growing up with a schizophrenic mother and never telling ANYONE about this. Bizarrelly, she didn't realise that this was a problem and, because I was her only friend and had to take things very slowly with her, no-one could point out to her that maybe she needed professional help. She has constructed a way of living where no-one could get close to her pain.
Could it be that you are doing something similar? I would suggest going to see a counsellor in the first instance and also, immediately, start doing some exercise because, as the other post suggests, this really will help so much with stress levels. Swimming is great for this and also getting to a natural, green space for a good walk (20 mins or more) will help. Any activity involving water is usually relaxing.
With the help of a counsellor maybe you will see that you are in control of how you construct your life and you can make the changes that you need to make to start reaching out to people.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 1. Rationalise your life. What are you studying at school? Presumably that will point you in the direction of what you are going to do next? Have a plan and a goal. That will get you through the hard times now.
2. Feel very good about yourself. You are working and studying, and that is really a lot to do. Don't beat yourself up about not going out - how can you do everything?
3. Stop being confused by what others are doing. Your friends are having babies and building their family. You are building your career, for now. Focus on your own goals and be happy with that. What you are doing is sensible and will mean you have a good life.
4. BUT, you must make time to go out once a week. The next time someone invites you, go with them. You have been invited lots of times. Your boyfriend is really trying to help. Get to know his friends. They can be your friends, too. You really MUST have one night a week when you relax and socialise. Tell him you are going to have one night a week, and ask him to help you. I'm sure he will take you out.
5. Consider getting some counselling or something for whatever this 'anger' is inside you. You don't say what your medical problems are, but maybe it is all related. And now you are isolating yourself from a social life as well. If you mix with your boyfriend's friends, maybe you will make some girlfriends there, and then have someone just to have coffee with and talk sometimes.
6. I don't usually advocate taking credit out, but for a car it is worth it sometimes. You can spend horrible amounts of money on an old car - it is a false economy. Go to a garage and see if you can give in your heap of junk (as you said ; ) as a down payment, and get something better that you pay an affordable amount for each month. Maybe your boyfriend could also be included as an owner, and you can share payment.
You don't sound happy at all. But I think some simple shifts could make things a lot better.
Be satisfied with what you've got that is good.
Change what you can that you don't like.
Your boyfriend sounds great ... but don't be too much of a burden on him. It sounds quite heavy going at the moment. For his sake as well, you need to lighten up.
Or ... just thought ... take up some daily exercise like just swimming for 30 mins a day. That will make a HUGE difference to your energy levels and positivity. Yes. That's what you should do. And you will make friends in the changing room if you go every day. Yes. That's my advice.
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