A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of two years hurt me just under a year ago by seeing his ex without telling me even after saying he wouldn't. I lost a lot of trust for him then. But wanted to give it one last go. So we've been working hard together ever since. Problem is now I have trust issues. I don't expect him to cheat, but I seriously consider every girl he talks to is going to be the girl he dumps me for. I struggle emotionally when he talks to girls. Any girls. And I have to keep this all inside to avoid ruining the relationship I want so much. How do you work towards getting rid of this sort of insecurity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): What strikes me is how you say you have to keep it all inside to avoid ruining the relationship. But isn't the relationship already difficult? Isn't the way you are feeling ruining things for you? Your feelings won't just go away, and the more you keep this bottled up, the worse it will feel.
To be honest, I can understand why you are feeling this way. Your boyfriend saw his ex after telling you he wouldn't, so I can understand you are finding it hard to trust him now. But I get the feeling you are somehow blaming yourself. You feel you have to keep your feelings hidden in order to keep things going, but really your feelings are natural and understandable. I think there needs to be more openness between you and your boyfriend, and less secrecy about your feelings.
I think it is great that you are considering your insecurity is unnecessary now, and would like to feel better and more secure in the relationship. But you cannot do that alone. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this, and tell him how you are feeling. It is only fair that he should listen to and respect your feelings after what has happened. You should not feel that you ought to remain silent. I think you need to express your feelings instead of carrying them around inside of you. Also, have you both ever discussed why he met his ex? Has that issue been sorted and resolved? If not, it might be a good idea to try and get some closure on it with him, so you can both move on from that.
So try and talk to him about this. I think once it is out in the open you will feel a bit better. And then try and start again. Try and trust him. If he gives you any more genuine reasons to doubt his trustworthiness, that will be a different matter. But in the meantime, try and put it behind you. However, if you can't, then I think it may be best to walk away from the relationship, rather than live with such strong and painful feelings. You should not have to struggle with this in silence.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): First of all, this is not insecurity. Insecurity is when you choose to not believe in yourself. Which is clearly not the problem in this case. Another's actions do not make you insecure.You've a legitimate concern because you were lied to. Of course you wonder if anything he says is true.You can choose to forgive it and let it go; give him a shot. Although, you've also the right to check up on him to know you have the right thing. In doing so, each time you find him being honest, your trust increases, which is really the reason you pay closer attention to it all anyway.Or you can choose to not let it go and stay keeping your mistrust. This makes for a lifetime of agony. Or, end it, and while you go on in life take the lesson learned with you.I say forgive it and try again. If he screws up one more time, cut bait. There are over three billion men in the world. Imagine the possibilities...
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 So basically you've been living with this insecurity for a year? That's not good. But congrats on keeping the relationship going for this long! Also, take a good look at how long you've been living with this insecurity, has he done anything else to sustain that apart from talking to other girls? I mean, does he talk to them in a friendly and casual way or is he subtly flirting with them? And be honest here, I know insecurity might force you to think all pieces of evidence only supports one outcome.
If your boyfriend really likes you, talking to him about it wouldn't jeopardize your relationship. It's not like you've been nagging him about it or something right?
I hope that helps.
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