A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you handle this if you're a lesbian who a) has not EVER acted on it at all and never plans to and b) is REALLY grossed out at the idea of doing anything with a male when your parents/friends/church is constantly pressuring you to date? In high school, I got away with not dating because I wasn't allowed to but I was bummed out that I couldn't hae male friends. (Trust me, I saw them as brothers, I always dressed appropriately, and the males in my school (if they ever talked about sex and women) never talked about that in front of us girls). They essentially treated me like a sister (joked around/teased etc.) I was told that growing up, I was too assertive (needed to keep my opinions to myself, even if my brotherse got to state their opinions), not to debate any male on anything because it emasculated them and I kept being told ever since I was little that I walked and talked like a boy. I honestly don't know what that means and never did because no one can quite explain it! I don't think I could ever consider myself to have lusted after women at all because I really don't think of anything sexual about them unless I haev a dream or something. I just call myself a lesbian (although I would NEVER tell anyone who knows me) because they automatically think it's a lust-thing. It's not! How can it be a lust thing if I never done anything and don't plan to and really don't think about it in my waking hours at all? I mean, I'm uncomfortable with watching anyone make out, even in movies, and I get uncomfortable when anyone gets too physically close to me. The idea of sex at all with a man makes me sick. In college, I didn't date but claimed I was too busy and there were LOTS of women in the chuch group I attended who were always talking about how great this man was or that man was and how he liked me and how I was acting like, "The ag ressor" for approaching men and how I shouldn't do that and let the men approach me ... I wasn't approaching them like that! It was as friendship! No one believed me. But when I did deflect men who approached me, they chastised me for it because they wanted me to give whoever that man was a chance (I wasn't interested and said I did not want to string him along)I live on my own now and I have friends of both genders, but not too many. It's hard becuse my church friends really come down on me (where they come over unannounced or confront mme in church for hanging out with people who don't go to church) and my non-church friends think I'm too uptight for not letting anyone stay the night and for not drinking or not wanting to date. I get pressure to date from BOTH groups. I really don't want to announce that I'm a lesbian because no one understands. I mean, I think that if I could force myself to marry a man, I would be lying anyway. And if I were not a Christian, I would feel bad doing that because it would mean hiding the girl and that would be disrespectful to her and it would be disrespectful to my parents. because T HEY would have to get harrassed if I did something like that. How do I get people to back off on trying to set me up and what do I say to men who approach me in c hurch or act like they're trying to get me to date them or get to know them (and I swear, any time a man approaches me in church just to chat it's "all abuzz" and I'm being pressured to "follow god" which is code for "he likes you, maybe you should talk to him"). Does any of this make sense? I mean, it's not that I have an issue with being attracted to women, it's the issue of being repulsed by men or anything that even SEEMS like being with a man. Including kissing. I am 25 and have NEVER wanted to do anything like that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): OP
I am repulsed by the idea of doing anything sexual with a male. If a male stands too close and I get "that" vibe, I am at best super-uncomfortable. I have had it where a woman is talking to me and she is physically close to me and I feel like I am being drawn toward her like a magnet you are holding *just* close enough to another magnet but not letting it touch. So obviously I step away and do something else.
I don't get repulsed by watching people make out, i feel awkward (even watching it in movie or tv), like I walked in on someone in the bedroom. I hope that clarifies things!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I think you should see a counsellor to get to the bottom of why you're repulsed by kissing and such because there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but you say you've never tried it, nor plan to and you're repulsed by anything that relates to men like kissing (could you clarify if it's just you kissing men or if others kiss men you get repulsed?)I guess I'm wondering if all of the "church" talk about never questioning a man and keeping your opinions to yourself if it goes against a man's view has sort of conditioned you into having a poor view of men.Are you sexually attracted to women in real life, not just dreams? I ask because I think that, if you've never tried it and don't plan on it, you may not be a lesbian and are either asexual or have been brought up in a way that made you so uncomfortable when thinking of a relationship with a man that you assume you're a lesbian so you don't have to bother with boyfriends....Whether you're lesbian, bisexual, straight, asexual, you really need to see a counsellor to help you deal with it.Good luck and best wishes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): OP you do understand that your food analogy paints you as a person that has no pleasure in life?
You don't eat food at all for pleasure? I certainly do, I will eat cake because it tastes nice, not because I need nourishment from it, I mean even Jesus drank wine and that's 100% about the pleasure. Also you talk about your sexuality being like a coeliac, which is a little unfair in the sense that they can't choose to eat wheat because it will physically harm them. The ones I know miss pizza, they miss not having to buy expensive food stuffs that don't contain gluten and they are forced to live a life of restriction, you're not. You're choosing that life, your analogy is flawed. You're a grown woman, free to make your own way in the world but you're living like a slave to others, living your life for others and one in which they will never be happy with because you'll never be able to 100% conform. You know that you won't, OP. Now you seem so obsessed with the idea that lust is a choice to indulge in a sexual attraction, I'm sorry but it's not. Fantasy is healthy and not in any way harmful. I assume you get this doctrine from Matthew 5:27-30, well are you going to rip your eye out too? You might aswell cut out your brain OP because like everyone you've indulged in fantasy more than once, if not sexual then in other ways that are not acceptable in your sect.
With all due respect the LGBT community are nothing like Maureen1979 seems to think they are. They don't cast judgement on people who are confused or have no experience with the opposite gender. Remember these are people who 99% of them have struggled in some way to come to terms with being a person society says is abnormal, these are people who very often have been on the verge and maybe even tried to commit suicide they felt so afraid and alone. These are not people who mock others for having the same troubles, and it's ridiculous to suggest that they are. So don't for one second feel afraid to reach out to others, OP, they're a very welcoming and open community with members who will help you make sense of things.
OP all I can say is if you want to live a life of celibacy then do what Maureen suggested and claim you're doing it for god. If you want to choose a life of service and put all thoughts of ever having a romantic relationship out of your head then go for it, it is your life. But make that choice from an informed stand point, and out of love, not fear. Explore LGBT community online, see who others have dealt with what you're going through.
OP the bible very clearly states that you must follow god and uphold him, it doesn't say anything about following a specific priest and pastor, you will find nothing in the bible that says your sect's interpretation is the right one and you will find a hell of a lot that says it's a personal journey that each person must make themselves. Your relationship with him is yours alone. It's you who has to answer him, and he's the only thing you have to answer to, so pay no attention to the opinions of others on your personal journey. Just make sure you're on the right path in your personal journey, what's right for others doesn't apply to you. You can't have a normal marriage with a man and raise a christian family, so those who compel you to do so, don't know your journey. It sounds to me like you don't know your journey either or where you have to go, and your family and friends can't help you there. You're going to have to find out all this stuff alone, because if you're going to remain celibate then you have a choice to make as to whether you need to open up about your real reasons or whether to keep living this lie. I'm pretty sure the bible sees that as a sin worthy of being cast to hell, but I don't know how your sect views it.
Op you only get one life, regardless of what you feel happens afterwards you need to live it well and when you think of how you should live it remember Galatians 5:22 and remember "self-control" is very subjective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): OP here!I guess I should have clarified what I meant by lust: it's obsessing about sex or about someone (real or imagined) in a sexual way, in order to keep that "sexual buzz" going. It's something you do on PURPOSE. Sexual attraction is not done on purpose, it happens when you smell someone's perfume or when you have a dream like that or when someone plays with your hair ... and those thoughts can be dismissed. It's like going to a buffett: of COURSE you can eat, but there's some foods that are unacceptable (gluten if you are gulten sensitive, for example) no matter how much you like them. Then there are some foods that are all right, but you certainly aren't going to eat the entire buffet! You take enough to nurture yourself and no more. Certain foods are shown to make people crave foods even more, so they should only be moderated or avoided, it is like that with sex. There is a purpose for it and a place for it and outside that, it's inappropriate. Some people don't get to have gluten, I don't get to have sex.I plan to watch that video later tonight, my mother "dropped by" to see how I was doing. (And yes, she was VERY offended that I asked her to call first. She pretty much told me that people from family or church shouldn't HAVE to call first unless I was doing something I didn't want them to know about and that if there was company over, of COURSE they were checking it out!)You're right, they're going to keep doing what they're doing and there's absolutely no way that I can stop them. What I CAN do is keep firmly telling them over and over that I am not interested in dating (true) and that I really want to remain celibate (also true). When I have pointed out that I LIKE being alone (they don't like me living alone and ESPECIALLY if they see I have guests over/don't answer the phone etc and are pushing for another single woman from church (a widow with children, no lees) to move in with me so I can have "something to do" instead of sitting around by myself. Ug! They are right, if you're signle and celibate, you're generally doing service work of some sort and it's basically uneard of to live completely alone, especially if you are inviting non-church people into your life. I do have to choose, either the church/family or else the alternative lifestyle, I really am trying to live a double life and it's not OK. They're not stupid, that is probably exactly why they are checking on me all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): OP, do you physically feel disgusted by the idea and act of a man being romantically or sexually interested in you? If so, it is a bit of an extreme reaction. Some people just are not attracted to the opposite sex, but do not squirm at the thought of dating the opposite sex. If it inhibits your ability to make social relations then I suppose this could be serious. Just remember. Men will approach women. You cannot stop them, but you can tell them no. And you can give a firm no. Whatever suits your comfort level.Men are not entitled to your attention just because they like you. You should not have to justify yourself for not reciprocating their affection. People who are highly religious will expect you to fill traditional gender roles. You will be expected to marry and have children. Those are not people you should be around even if you do believe in God - not unless you want to continue suppressing who you really are and what you want to do with your life. Telling devoted church members or anyone against homosexuality that you are gay will result in them saying "it is a phase" or "you should be ashamed" or "how can you not be attracted to men?" So it is not a good way to deter them in their matchmaking attempts. It will probably increase the pressure. You should find a community who is open to your feelings. Do your non-church friends listen to you when you convey your concerns? I mean, if you like girls then you should date girls. You will eventually want a serious relationship where your partner will stay the night and things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): You can't stop any of this it's all part of the lie you're living.
OP people are right to be worried about you the only problem is they just have it wrong as to what the actual problem is. I mean they're trying to set you up with a man, your friends and your family who know and love you the most, see that you have an issue with romantic relationships and they just want to help. The only reason you're taking it so negatively is because you're a lesbian and are lying to them.
OP it seems to me your issue is that you belong to faith that doesn't accept you and you seem to think that your family don't accept you either. OP the person you portray yourself as to your family is not the person you really are, until you come to terms with who you are then you're always going to have a problem. You can't expect those who love and cherish you to just ignore that you have a problem and not try to help. They will never stop for as long as the problem persists, it's that simple. And the problem is not your sexuality, the problem is your life is a confused lie, for no good reason.
Now I don't know whether you're just asexual and truly have no interest in women either or whether you've been raised to believe it's so wrong to be homosexual that you're going through life suppressing it. I can tell you from detailed conversations with gay family members and friends, that you're just going to go through a living hell of confusion and refusal to accept yourself until you finally can and can freely express who you are.
In the 70's when Ireland was deeply religious my uncle had to move to london to be openly gay and explore relationships, and be himself. It wasn't until he did that and he finally drew up the courage to tell his family did he feel free. His mother didn't accept it at all and he lost a few friends too, but he realised that a friend who can't be friends with the real you was never a friend at all.
OP you have some very weird notions about "lust" and sexuality. You sound completely repressed. Lust isn't a bad thing, it's a biological mechanism designed to ensure propagation of our species. Without lust we don't procreate and why would any "creator" give us that if they didn't intend it to be used. Your belief makes no sense at all unless you truly believe your maker is the kind of asshole who puts candy on a table and tells a kid to sit there for 5 hours looking at it but never allowed to touch it because it's a sin, and he'll chop his testicles off if he touches it. What a lovely maker that is.
OP I really think you need to get out whatever backwater puritan timewarp place you live in and move to a more cosmopolitan city where people aren't so uptight and insecure they think women can't voice an opinion without emasculating men. I mean seriously, OP, that's a very messed up concept to believe. There is no gender to opinions or arguments, and if you live in place where men are so weak that they feel less like men around a strong willed woman, then you as a strong willed woman, need to move to a place where the men aren't shrinking violets.
OP whatever stupid belief has you thinking you're somehow abnormal or need to be fixed, or that choosing to express your sexuality is so wrong that you must live under a constant state of pressure and repression, needs to be changed. You're setting yourself up for a life alone, where even the religious rules you follow say you're wrong for not being a good little christian breeder and popping out a litter of good little soldiers for Jesus. You see OP it's lose/lose for you. You can't stay single for the rest of your life without being considered the devil's whore, because if you're not some christian man's baby maker and creating new money paying followers for your church then you're as bad as a lesbian in their eyes, so you may aswell just be yourself.
OP join some LGBT forums anonymously. Read their stories, when you feel comfortable tell them yours. You're not the first gay person to go through this and are not the first gay person to be from where you are. It's not an abomination, there's nothing wrong with you and you need to start expressing who you really are, you can do that very safely online so do that for while. At least have somewhere were you can be yourself.
OP you need to look into changing your attitude about yourself and your place in the world, if that place is not where your family live then you need to go somewhere else.
People trying to set you up with men is not the issue here, and that will never stop. Your issue is with how you view yourself, your sexuality, your gender and how you fit in to society. You cannot keep repressing who you truly are, because even if you never get intimate with a woman you will never be anything but lesbian. Do you really want to go through your whole life never knowing love, or a long term relationship or what it's like to get married and have children with your female partner?
Time to do a lot of research and a lot of thinking into who you are OP, it's time to look outside your family, friends and church to find alternate views. The only place you will find your place is by turning to others like you and learning from them, not living your life according to rules of those who may never understand who you truly are.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=coming+out+story+christian
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