How do I get past this traumatic abusive depressing relationship with my ex?

A female age 30-35, *hickapowpow writes:

I finally broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I started dating him during a very traumatic time of my life and I was looking to be saved and he was a charmer. Soon into our relationship I noticed very possessive jealous behaviour. He was not comfortable with me talking to any members of the opposite sex and I cut ties with all my male friends excluding my best friend who is a homosexual and has always been like a brother to me (however he would still make me feel guilty about this relationship as we are very affectionate and my ex did not feel comfortable with me sitting on his lap, hugging him, etc.). He also soon into the relationship started to display his anger with temper tantrums, which I'm sure come about because they never stopped working with his parents. When things didn't go his way, he would yell and get angry with me. He would never give me space when we were having problems and I needed to get away and be alone with my thoughts; he would just consistently text me and blowup my phone with calls until I would speak to him, or even worse if he was in my presents he would not leave and I would usually break down and freak out because there was nothing I could do to get him to leave the room. I could never speak to him about things he did that hurt me because he would never put himself in my shoes to see how I was hurting, and a lot of the time when I tried to confront him about issues or things he had done to hurt me, it would always be turned around on me and he would always belittle things he did and said and even full out lie to the point that I didn't even know what was real anymore. I left him multiple times throughout the relationship because I would get so frustrated and feel so hopeless and sad that my needs in the relationship weren't being met, but he would somehow manipulate me and I'd go back. He emotionally abused me and always made me feel like I was crazy and had issues. He would call me bi-polar when I got mad at him. I broke up with him in September and we didn't talk again til December. At the beginning of December, I briefly dated another guy who I had sex with and I totally regretted it as I didn't have feelings for him strong enough and after I realized he wasn't right for me. My ex-boyfriend had a feeling that something happened and kept harassing me about it until I just snapped and admitted everything. I didn't want to meet up with my ex-boyfriend to talk because I was terrified and he's acted violent in the past. He never hit me but he would always break things and throw things and I never would willingly meet with him when he was angry because I plainly didn't like being around the anger. That night he knew I had plans to go to the local pub with two of my girlfriends, and when I got there all of his friends were there. His one friend spoke to the doorman and told him to not let us in and this bothered my friend and she went to talk to the doorman. My ex came out at the wrong time and it turned into a big blowout and my ex called me names and talking about me in a sexual way in front of over twenty people. As much as I could've cared less what that group of people thought of me, I knew this was wrong. I told my ex I would never talk to him again but a week later I found myself talking to him again. After about a week, I was just resenting him for treating me that way and publicly humiliating me. My ex one night made me wait for him as he does every time I pick him up to go somewhere, only this time he decided to get into the shower the minute he knew I was coming. It turned into a huge blowout and I was just so fed up. My ex is into events and goes to the city to party a lot and does a lot of hard drugs. I've been living this lifestyle along with him through our relationship, but over the past half year I've been wanting to leave this lifestyle behind. Last week he went out in the middle of the week and it just bothered me so much. Also, earlier on in the week I saw he had been messaging and talking with a girl who likes him and he was inviting her out to party and stay in his hotel and then he was also messaging a girl that he has emotional ties with before we met (they never dated or even had sex but they lived together for a summer and cuddled every night). I decided to end it and since he has been acting completely psychotic; calling me from blocked numbers, texting, telling me I need help and I'm depressed and bi-polar. Well he's right. I am completely and utterly depressed. I am so sad because when I lost him, I lost friends and my whole life and all the fun times in it. I have very few close friends, and I live in my hometown and I've been really down and I don't know how to get back up. I am thinking of going to therapy because I feel like I'm ruined from this relationship. I don't even like who I am anymore--I feel boring, uninteresting and lifeless to people. I don't know how to be happy again. How can I feel like myself again? How can I stop missing him and the good parts? How do I get rid of this horribly lonely feeling?

View related questions: best friend, broke up, depressed, drugs, ex called, jealous, my ex, text, violent

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A female reader, Mariab  +, writes (5 February 2013):

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