A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend for about 2 weeks now. We are both 15 btw. She called me 2 weeks ago (right before summer break) saying that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. This was a complete shock and broke my heart. Everything was going perfectly between us and she never gave any indication that anything was wrong. We only went out for 3 weeks and they were the best 3 weeks I've had. Ever since we've broken up, I've been a total wreck. Call me a baby but I cried over it. The fact that she called me and ended it right away instead of actually talking to me face to face about it and working it out made it even harder. She acts like she has somewhat gotten over but according to her friends, it is kinda hard on her. Another thing that is hard is that I have seen her multiple times after we broke up like at parties or when I'm hanging out with friends. For example, 2 days after we broke up, I went to carnival with a friend. My ex and her friends were there so I knew this was going to get awkward. My friend decided to mess with me and make things awkward by hanging out with them for the rest of the night. Me and my ex didn't talk at all. She texted me the next day asking if we will ever talk again. I replied what do you mean? She said "well you ignored me at the carnival." I replied back that it was still awkward for me and I'm still a little upset and she didn't reply back. I don't think she realized how hard this is on me. I was at a party last night and we talked a little but not a lot. When she left, everyone traded hugs and when I hugged her goodbye, I was about to hold her longer and kiss her goodbye because I was so used to it before. Then I remembered we weren't together and just made things worse. So my questions are: What can I do to get back with her if possible? How can I get past the breakup if there isn't really a chance of getting back together soon?How can I learn to be friends with her again without having another "girlfriend reaction" like I did before?I know that she still cares for me but I don't know the extent of her excuse on how she feels she isn't ready. I'm her first boyfriend so could she be nervous? We have kissed, hugged, cuddled, and she said she was comfortable with all that. I have no idea. She is the best girl, girlfriend or not and this is all killing me.
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male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (16 June 2011):
When people your age express your thoughts in a coherent and logical manner as you've done, it gives me hope for the future of mankind. Well done.
But man, does that ever suck. As a somewhat crusty, jaded person, I can't help but think you did the right thing by not talking to her at the carnival, or at least not talking much. Think of it this way: you're crazy about her, and despite her knowing that and despite her dumping you over the phone [*not cool, BTW], now you're supposed to change to being just a friend? Human emotions don't work that way - at least not at first. As the dumpee, it's up to you if you want to maintain a friendship or not; once you've been dumped by someone, they no longer have a say in how you're supposed to feel. Now I can see getting to the point of cultivating a friendship after, say, a year - but after just 2 weeks? - no. Cry like a man, I say - because that's what we do after we've been gutted. No shame in that at all.
But you know what really impresses me about how you've dealt with this? The fact that when you found yourself in an awkward spot (hanging out with her & your peers at the carnival) and when called out for not talking to her, you were both civil and completely honest:
"I replied back that it was still awkward for me and I'm still a little upset and she didn't reply back"
I bet you were actually a lot more than a little upset. You are mature well beyond your years - well done. You maintained your own dignity while at the same time not resorting to attacking hers out of spite. Again - well done.
Now let me try to answer your questions, in the order you asked them:
1) Nothing.
Attraction between humans depends on compatibility at at least three, let's call them "levels of being" - the rational/cognitive level (e.g. "We're perfect for e. other because of X, Y, and Z"), the emotional level (e.g. "She makes me feel happy somehow - but I don't know why"), and the biochemical/physical (e.g. "My heart beats quicker when she's around/She's really hot"). Ideally, people match up at all three levels. More often though, they match up at one common level (say, they both think the other's hot) but not at others or not at the "same" others. To make things even more complicated, everybody puts different amounts of importance on different levels, and what a person wants at any level can sometimes be contradictory. For instance, you could have a PhD and come up with a list of qualities you think are desirable in a mate, but that doesn't mean your emotional self won't be mysteriously attracted to a crack dealer despite your better judgement. These sorts of contradictions cause confusion, and I'm guessing that's what happened with your ex. She liked/likes you at some level(s), but not a all levels or not at all the ones you like her at. It happens - which doesn't make it suck any less, mind you, but it happens. While she may change in time, that's something that's entirely out of your control & you're much better off not trying to get her back if she doesn't know how she feels. Again, think of your dignity.
2) By doing things you like, & growing confidence.
Getting past a breakup is painful and difficult. There are evolutionary reasons for this: if breaking up was pleasant, then couples wouldn't stay together long enough to raise their kids, who'd then wander off into the jungle & get eaten by lions or something. We're on top of the food chain because we evolved painful emotional responses to these sorts of situations. That's to say, there's no avoiding the pain. What you can do, though, is avoid obsessing over it - the less you pick at a wound, the sooner it'll heal. Here's what I suggest: choose a hobby or sport that you're genuinely interested in and would do regardless if you had a g/f or not. Make a point of doing that activity and getting really, really good at it - or at least a lot better at it. You'll find that you're confident when you do that activity, and the combination of that confidence and your dedication to doing something you like will attract people to you. You'll shine, and although you'll still remember how much you were hurt, the pain will dull and you'll find that long stretches of time go by when you don't even think about it. Now that's down the road a ways yet, but if you point yourself in that direction you'll get past the breakup and be a better person for it. You'll recognize ways that you're in fact grateful to your ex for the time you had together, but at the same time you won't necessarily want to recreate that time. Once you get to this stage, that's when you're ready to be her friend as opposed to her boyfriend. ...And that brings us to:
3) By keeping your distance until you're ready to be friends
DearMandy makes a good point when she says you should avoid being alone with her, and instead hang out with a larger group. Myself, I'd take this one step further: I'd try to completely avoid contact with her as much as civility allows - at least while you're still hurting. Pretending to be a friend when you feel much, much more is only torture - and since you're the one who got dumped, it's your prerogative to say you don't want to be tortured more than you already have. Again, the way you handled it before with your text message was absolutely perfect. You were honest, strong, and civil but - importantly - not petty. That speaks to your character. If in future she accuses you of being distant, simply say that you still need time before you can be comfortable just being her friend. That's not to say you shouldn't interact, mind you - courtesy and civility are important; treat her with respect and dignity, and above all wish her well. At the same time, though, keep your (emotional) distance - at least until you get to a point when you can honestly say you value her friendship over her intimacy.
Well I hope that helps. I think, though, that your lack of ill-will toward her speaks volumes about your character and your prospects for getting over the breakup. You can be proud, and move on with dignity. She may well be confused like you suggest, and that would be normal at 15. I wouldn't linger on it though, since ultimately her readiness for a relationship depends entirely on her and there's not a dry fart in the wind that you can do about it beyond how you've handled it up to now.
You'll be fine - all the best!
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 HI
I Think you are a very mature and caring young man, but maybe she is not ready for that kind of committed relationship like you are, your both so very young with a whole life ahead of you. Maybe she just wants to be young and carefree and enjoying meeting new people, I know it's hard for you when your feelings are on the line, but is it not better to have her in your life as a friend raher than not at all ? Things could change again after a while, she may realise she does miss and wants to be with you, she may not, but dont rock the boat. Be mature about this too and except she just wants to be friends . The best way to go about being just friends now would be to invite her out with other friends too so your not alone with her, and just rememeber how you both were before you became an item, have a laugh let her see your getting on with things just fine without her, even if your not at the time. And you will slowly get used to it being this way. Who knows this might even make her think wow his over me, i now realise what i had and want you back!! but if she dont you will still have a great friend if you just relax a bit ok xx
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