A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't really know where else to go with my little problem so I am coming here and mostly I just want to know what you guys would do in my situation.I've been with this man for 3.5 years, after about a four month courtship. Our relationship is intense and loving for the most part, we love each other to death. I would do anything for this guy.Our problem is that we have been fighting a lot lately... mostly about sex.Over the summer we started having sexual problems, like he wouldn't be able to sustain an erection so I would get angry at him, which made things much worse, and then the next time we tried he would be so nervous about me getting mad again that he would lose his erection again. Anyway, it was a vicious cycle and we had communication break downs because of it... I felt ugly, undesirable, and I began to worry that he may not be attracted to me anymore or that he would go outside of our relationship for sex (he didn't). Now the sex is back to normal, I think the problems initially were because he was tired since he was working a very physically strenuous job at the time and he was up early, home late, generally exhausted.But the problem lingers in my mind. I still feel undesirable and ugly, I think the summer took it's toll on my self esteem. I know I am irrational, but I can't shake the feeling.I am insecure and I cause a lot of stupid fights. We are working on getting these fights under control because both of us respond badly to fights and they end up becoming HUGE (i.e. me crying my eyes out in a corner and him threatening to dump me)- when they really should only be a 30 second spat. It's ridiculous.Last night I "tried" to seduce him and he didn't take the bait. I brought it up, that I was hurt, that I felt unwanted, and the fight began. It got so out of control that he told me I was terrible in bed, and I burst into tears. He came over and apologized and I shrugged him off so he slammed his fist on a desk and sat down far away from me. I continued to cry and after about 10 minutes of him scowling at me while I sobbed like a lunatic I called him a "fucking prick"- we don't usually ever resort to name calling, and I immediately regretted saying it. I then kicked a computer chair (one with rolly wheels) across the room towards him and he sprung up, grabbed the chair, held it over his head and threatened to hit me with it. I freaked out, yelled at him "put that fucking thing down, who the fuck do you think you are" etc and eventually he put it down and walked away.This is the worst our fights have ever gotten and I am worried that next time he may hit me. I know I should not have kicked the chair, I later apologized, and so did he, but I don't ever want to be scared like that again. The look in his eyes terrified me. He is MUCH stronger than me and I know he could easily hurt me. I guess I want to know1. How to get over my low self-esteem.2. How to handle myself when I feel insecure, so I don't cause a huge fight.3. How to make him want to have sex with me again.Thanks for listening, sorry it's so long. I appreciate ANY feedback. Thanks!
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erection, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 Hi. Hope things are better at the moment. There's a number of things where I can give you feedback:
You've probably realised now that it's not wise to get angry if your man doesn't get an erection at a certain point in time. Men can't really control it, in the same way that either sex cannot guarantee to have an orgasm on command.
In the first part of your posting you have evaluated your situation quite well, and as I was reading, it seemed that you were going to answer your own question , until I reached "Last night I tried to seduce him." So, up until then it sounds like you are being quite rational and identifying what you both need to do to get you closer together. The issues that seems to need addressing until that point are (A) the lingering in your mind that you feel ugly/undesirable (B) that he is coming home exhausted and (C) how can you stop arguments going out of control.
Wanting to seduce him is nice - but wanting to seduce him to resolve your own self esteem conflicts probably wasn't a good idea - although I can understand why you tried. Seeking to make him want to have sex with you might seem like a solution to you - but it isn't. Both are the same motive in different forms and both involve you controlling your man to resolve your feeling. What needs to be addressed is your feeling which you are identifying as either low self esteem or insecurity or ugly or undesirable. Now I know you probably feel they are all very similar, but there are differnces. They are all in the quarter let's say - but how you deal with these feelings will vary. First try thinking of the obvious causes of the feeling you have. If that doesn't help sit on your own and put yourself in the frame of mind when you have this feeling - observe what you notice.(write it down) How do you physically feel, what bodily reactions are occurring, what mental felings are going on, does it remind you of another time/another situation???
Have you observed anyone else feeling/behaving how you do , at any time in your life?
What does it mean to you if are undesirable (or ugly or whatever). What happens then? What do you associate it with?
Try visualising yourself in the future, without any problem/hang-up - what do you see thats different about yourself? What has gone? What has been added?
Looking at these questions may help steer you towards your own answers. If not , post again with what you have discovered so far or mail me thro this site. Take care.
A
female
reader, keely-h +, writes (21 October 2007):
 i have low self esteem to i judt look at other people and there bad pints and reflect it on my self.if you want to have sex with him again i suggest new sexy under garments which you can bye from any good clothes store.shw him how sexy you are that should be a great turn on for him this could help with his erection problems......
good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (21 October 2007):
 You are not alone. When something like this happened to me to restore my self-esteem I went to see my ex and he told me that I am sexy, etc. That worked, my self-esteem was intact BUT I was still hurt because his rejections hurt me on a very deep level. Instead of feeling ugly, I feel jealous when we don't have sex. I need reassurance from him that he wants ME, ME vs somebody else. I realize he started it but now I am way to focused on sex. I think of it daily. And at first I thought that is the only problem we had. Now I realize it is the symptom of a real problem.
My advice for you: Don't take the lack of sex personally. Perhaps, the problem is no longer about sex. Don't cause any fights and don't say/ do anything you will regret later. If you have to put sneakers on and run around the block a few times, do so. You cannot make somebody want to have sex. It has to come from them!!!
Since I have a similar situation that has not been resolved I beg you to proceed slowly, read, write, chill out... Spend more time with your girlfriends and family. You both need some time to heal.
If you love each other, he will come around.
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A
female
reader, rkdisp +, writes (21 October 2007):
I just answered a question and got back on the site and saw yours. I have spent my life dealing with self esteem issues because of my upbringing. I encourage you to reread your questions at the end of your post as the 3rd one is disturbing. You can't make anyone love you, want you, like you. Please research codependency online and I recommend the book co-dependent no more by Melanie Beattie. You will find that you are codependent for whatever reasons that exist in your life and that is not your fault, but you have the control to change how you look at yourself. There is a section that asks questions about what is a codependent, answer them honestly as no one has to know the answers but you. If you find yourself answering yes, then please read the book, article, wherever you are researching. Your 2nd question is harsh to, you think you "cause" a fight. This goes much deeper. I hope you will take my advise and I hope even more that you find an answer to why you have low self esteem. You have taken the hardest step and that is realizing the you have a problem, and followed by searching for help. Good Luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Checkup Man +, writes (21 October 2007):
 Firstly, are you afraid of him at all? If so, you could be using up a lot of nervous energy trying not to show your fear of him. He could be the type of guy who likes to dominate a woman completely and perhaps he isn't achieving his desired level of control because you fight back? If you really are frightened of him perhaps you should tell him that it would be best to live apart for a short while and it would be ON YOUR OWN. Then, when he asks you why, you could say that you are afraid of him. If he rants and raves at you, then it will be exactly what you mean, but he might possibly be the opposite and hold you close and say that he could never hurt you, or whatever. These issues have to be addressed especially when you mentioned the chair episode. That sounded scary! All the best. I'll be thinking of you!
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