A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I let go The resentment that I have for my husband? He had an affair some time ago and he now told me and I can't let it go. I love him and hate him at the same time. We argue almost once a week now over this. He feels that i should just let it go and we move on. I can't do it. I find myself thinking of this almost every day. When we argue over it he says a lot of hurtful things. For example: I'm not gonna beg you everday to forgive me. I feel things like that is so hurtful. I'm now feeling like I really don't care anymore. I'm really not even sure if I care if he still loves me or not. Why is it that i cannot shake these thoughts and the way i feel. Also before this I would have done just about anything for him, and now i don't wanna do anything not cook clean I mean nothing if I feel he will benifit from it. Any advice or help i would appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
View related questions:
affair, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 You need to tell him, you need to be honest with him and tell him everything you are feeling and that you arent coping, i think marriage councilling is the best thing here it will get everything out in the open and if he loves you he will go with you as you both need it if you have any future together it needs to be sorted now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, and as usual I thank you all for your advice and help. O.k now its been about a week that my husband and I have not argued. I am actually happy about that. The only thing is I feel as if I'm kinda being phony with him. Don't get me wrong I actually love him with everything in me. But now I'm ok when I'm around him. It's like nothing ever happen. But when he's not around me...he's at work or I'm at work... I'm worried sick. The other day I was at work and I actually made myself sick. I called his phone A-side got no answer. I called twice and left one voicemail. I stopped calling and told myself that i didnt care what he was doing that he couldn't answer my call. But in reality I got really nauseous and my body started to tremble hard and I also stared to have rapid heartbeats with headaches. That's when I noticed that I have done that in the beginning of the week also after he didn't answer when called. He told me on both instances that his phone don't get a good signal when in the car. He says he have to have the phone on the dashboard to get a signal. I force myself to believe him. At the same time I'm hurting. I try not to say anything so that we dont arguee. But I believe that that's why I still hold on to resentment. So my question is should I say anything to him or just let it go and try to work on my own insecurities?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Youre feelings are normal her miss and Im sorry to hear about your situation. You need some closure with the issue and I think you need him to say something you wanna hear. I think he should apologize and most importantly regret what he did. If he says, "its in the past, move on", then to me thatd be a sign he could do it again since he shows no remorse. I had a GF one time who slept with several men before me while intoxicated. Being I was a virgin and seeing how casual she did this, I eventually resented her and hated her cause she never had any regrets. In the end, she treated me like any other guy in bed and nothin special. That was a sign for me to get out and which I did. I do not regret my decision. Best to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2010):
Its completely natural that you feel this way every married women would, he has hurt you in every possible way and now he thinks that you should just forget about it as if nothing happened and that hurts aswell.
You have to options:
You can sit him down and tell him that you want to get over this but you are finding it difficult at the moment as he has torn your heart apart, tell him he needs to work on saving your marriage and gaining your trust back again, and you will just have to fight these feelings back and try and forgive him,
or else you can tell yourself that you just cant forgive him for cheating and seperate from him, of course this will be very hard and difficult for a long time to get over and you will need your friends and family around you for support.
Whichever path you chose good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, betrayed2  +, writes (4 October 2010):
My husband too had an extramarital affair...I believe more than one. I however, didn't find out until after our separation. The one affair started with swingers while we were dating, and he continued to see the girl after she and her husband split and while we were married! The last 3 years of our marriage was ultimate hell!! He would find excuses to fight with me and leave for the night only to meet up with her. I believe he had sex with her in our house while I was away some weekends and I know he had sex with her in my car! I resent him so much and loath the dirty f*in p.r.! I was good to him. He had a son when I met him and I took the both of them under my wing, worked hard, tryed to make a happy home and bent over backward for him. All to see my integrety used as a doormat. He got away with it for so long, that he felt empowered. I suspected an affair but, I was afraid to ask him, in fear that he'd scream and leave for the night. I walked on egg shells all the time, I never did anything right!
They say that marriages can be saved after an affair. One decent thing your husband did was admit it. That is the first step to healing oneself. He probably knows he made a serious mistake and he feels bad. That's a good thing, he has a conscience. My husband did not. He felt all the abuse he put me through and even the affair was all my fault...I "asked for it." My husband though, is the epiphany of evil.
Have you two ever talked of going to marriage couselling together? Quite often they give you both the tools to have better communication and coping skills. You will see each other through different eyes and possibly find the passionate love you had when you first met. With marriage, people will become adapted to one another and take each other for granted. They actually may forget how to talk to each or approach each other.
You could also plan a retreat together, just the two of you for a weekend at a resort or a cottage. But, I do highly recommend marriage counselling too.
You are feeling the natural feelings of any women betrayed. You feel worthless, like you did something wrong, you question yourself "what if I had of done that differently?" or "maybe I should look sexier". You have done nothing wrong. You are the better person for adhering to your vows and will ultimately coming out smelling like a rose. It was your husband that gave into temptation, and alot of men do when seduced. You may both like to seek counselling also on your own. He needs to learn to heal from the sin he commited and you need to learn how to forgive...that's if you want to make your marriage work. It may be worth a try, after all, he did come forward with his mistake. If you does it again though, send him kicking stones! If you have young children together, you can seek a divorce on the grounds of infidelity and he may have to restitute you for all the money he spent on his lover.....that's taking money out of the household and literally food out of your kids mouths.
All the best with your endeavors....I wish you the best of luck....
With my point of view submitted here though about a cheating husband, I keep hearing the words ring in my ears, "Once a cheat, always a cheat."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): you're not overreacting, in fact you are severely underreacting. If I was in your place, I would have been long gone the day he revealed to me his affair. Relationships are not meant to survive affairs.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): You have to ask yourself honestly if you can forgive his deceit , my guess is no! well not at this point . There is no room for resentment in a relationship , not that you dont have reason to feel that way , of course you do , he has betrayed you and your trust . His attitude seems more flippant than remorseful also and thats obviously feeding your resentment. He has probably caused a million feelings within you and doesnt seem to consider that and the pain you must be feeling . There is no way to just stop the resentment , it may never go away! However , understanding brings acceptance. Have you spoke about it all in detail? the whys etc? I think if not you need to start there , take everything into account and then again ask yourself are you willing to forgive . I do hope you get some kind of closure and peace from the obvious torment its bringing you x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): OK, I've been in your shoes. My wife did the same thing,but she had a few affairs. I had the love hate issues this creates. I did all I could to repair our marriage until I realized I was the only one trying. Your not going to get over it. I couldn't, the lack of trust and resentment destroyed any chance of recovery. Eight years later my wife left me because I couldn't trust her. She did nothing to help prove this wouldn't happen again. She did nothing to help period. Your going to have to let it go if he's being honest and faithful or your marriage will not survive. I feel that my wife leaving me was the best thing that happened. She ruined my self esteam and made me feel weak and vulnerable. That's not a happy way to live. No trust, no marriage. I'm so much happier now that she's out of my life. I see her for the liar tramp she is and I know nothing in life will ever be good enough for her or make her happy. I have a new love and haven't been happier in years. Good luck, your on a very hard road.
...............................
|
