A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:how do i get over social enxiety? i dont realy go out (besides work) i some times go out on friday to the pool club with some friends but thats not very often saturday and sunday a day of sports and thats it back to work, ihave absolutly no confidence with big crowds i have been asked round town for xmas with work colleges thers only seven of them one of em is me uncle and the other is a neighbour and i darent go with them cos i dont like big crowds and i get self concious and all that, but i feel like im missing out like the other day a collegue was talking (gloating) about his past sexual relationhips hes a bit of a womanizer and i feal left out cos i have never had a serious relationship, i have had gf at school but ther only crushes, and so to get a gf i feel like i need to be going round town my mates but like i said i darent, some days i think im gorgeous other days i think im repulsive, but the truth is i am attractive but i dont feel like it, but the days i do feel attractive i feel confident and have a spring in my step as i can see people eying me up and so i want the confident feeling permantly, how do i get it? as i feel i can build of it ie go out a bit more and build from ther i know im still young (18) so i have time on my side but i dont want to wait til im 30 to have a relationship.what can i do?is ther anyone else with similar stories? thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): to build up confidence and your self esteem:1) focus on positive self-talk. Notice those times when you do feel good about yourself, try to note what it is that's making you feel good, and then next time try to bring that thought back.2) set goals in increments that are do-able. Nothing builds confidence like experiencing success. But the goal has to be realistic so you can achieve it. For example, set yourself the goal of making conversation with one stranger every day and having it be a positive experience. if that's too much, then maybe one conversation with a stranger per week. When you've done that and experienced the nice feeling of having positive social interactions at that level, then try something a bit more. 3) Observe other people that you think are good role models for how you would like to be, and try to emulate them. Whether it is in their attitude, their way of talking, etc. This is not being a fake or trying to be someone else that you're not. You're not trying to adopt someone else's likes and dislikes or opinions, or mannerisms to the detail. You will always strive to be yourself, but there are certain social *skills* that you don't have, which other people do. Nuts and bolts things. Such as: whether to make eye contact in a certain situation and if so for how long. Whether to stand facing the other person or not. How to invite someone to lunch. How to handle a rejection. that sort of thing. And it is these skills that you need to acquire (and when you do, your personality will have an outlet to shine through).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Well I feel like alot of your insecurity stems from your age. You are very young...I was just as insecure as you are when I was that age. The only thing that was different for me is that I am a girl. Naturally boys chase girls, so that, and only that reason in itself, is what made it easier for me to date. But I had absolutely no self esteem or confidence. I was very very shy.
As you get older you WILL become more confident. Once I went off to college and was in my early twenties, my personality really came out. I was confident and outgoing and somewhat fearless. I can't quite point my finger on why...Leaving home, moving to a big city, being on my own, having to do everything on my own, being in college...maybe all of those reasons gave me a sense of confidence in myself that I was lacking before.
As you get older and go through time you gain more experience and you become wiser. That wisdom makes you more fearless and less anxious.
I will say this, however. Confidence is something you feel as well as something you learn. The more you put yourself out there and do things and expose yourself to things/situations that you wouldn't normally do, the more confidence you will eventually achieve. It's not going to happen overnight. You are not going to get it right the first time. That's a fact. That is why you have to take every single event in your life as a learning experience. The first time you approach a girl you are probably not going to say the "right" thing and you might feel shaky about it. But you HAVE to do it, and keep trying in order to learn how to do it the right way. When you talk to a girl and let's say she rejects you, yeah whatever at the moment it's a bummer. But you have to look back at it and think about what went wrong. Was it something you said? Could you have said it differently? Were you too forward? Were you not forward enough? Was she just not the right type of girl for you to approach?
If you want to learn how to have game, you will have to go through the motions, you will have to keep pressing on and keep trying and always ask yourself these and many more questions, either when something doesn't work out or even if something does work out, so that you can avoid the mistakes and figure out the correct way of doing things.
Nobody was born perfect. Even your friend who brags about his awesome game. Perhaps he learned. Perhaps he is exxagerrating. Who knows? Worry about you, and press on and keep trying and make it a point to learn from your mistakes. That's all. It's actually very simple. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Everyone at one time or another suffers low self confidence. But am afraid its only you yourself that can build up that confidence, there are days when you are confident and you feel great, try and think about what triggers this in you. What it is that makes you feel confident and work for there. It can be quite scary going out in big crowds if you are scared so maybe take it in smaller steps. Maybe meet up with one or two friends at a bar and progress from there. Take small steps and remember that every step is a progress in the right direction. Try and join some new clubs or take up some hobbies in your spare time, doing something productive can give you a sense of achievement and in return can build your confidence. Remember just small steps at a time and you will get there.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (21 November 2011):
 You can go on different courses for this kind of thing. I joined a beginners theatre group and learned the basics of interaction and speaking out loud it really boosted my confidence!!
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