A
female
age
30-35,
*_Mae93
writes:MY daughter's father and i broke up 9 months ago. I'm still not over him.We have a 15 month old daughter together, he is married and is having another baby.I know you might think what do i want with him? It's not that i want him its more so i cant stop thinking about him and missing him being around.Any way i ended up enrolling in a community college i also got my own place, but haven't been able to get a job. For a while i was doing so good, i was focused on school i was living my life and not thinking about him or anything. well i woke up this morning and i found I am still missing him like crazy. Everything we had been to each other kept replaying in my head i felt like we broke up yesterday.For some reason every time i start doing good. something over comes me and makes me miss him and get depressed. i know i need to be over him, but its easier said then done. I tried moving on but every time i talk to a guy who i actually like we talk a while then he stops talking to me. my daughter's Dad is very confusing. He acts like he isn't happy with his wife. He said he didnt want that baby and that he thought his wife wouldnt get pregnant. One minute he acts like he still cares about me and then the next he acts like a complete jerk. He uses the baby to see me. For Example one day he wanted to see his daughter i told him i would have my mom take her and he said no i want you to bring her and i said why and he said because you're her mom.. any way how do i get over him? like i need to be, and stop all pain and everything?
View related questions:
broke up, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2012):
 Oh dear, what a rotten thing to do to you.
What a Huge betrayal you've had to get over.
He is indeed a jerk. To you and to his wife.
And in the time you were together you had 'relationship' problems with each other. So things were not perfect.
Then he broke up and met a girl. Then married her.
He is indeed NOT worthy of you.
You must have been utterly devastated.
That is a terrible cruel thing he did.
Well now he is reaping what he sowed.
'married in haste' (to the new woman he met) and now he can 'repent at his leisure'
He has treated you with contempt and discarded you. Now, when it suits him. And his schedule, he wants to see you occasionally.
He has nothing to offer you but misery.
For your own respect please do move on.
He has no moral values to teach your daughter, he sounds like a man who is not worth defending, due to his shallpw values.
You can do much better than him.
A
female
reader, C_Mae93 +, writes (24 November 2012):
C_Mae93 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe wwasnt married when we was together, we was together 16 months and broke up march 15th due to relationship problems after 2 months of being broke up he married the girl he had been dating a month.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 November 2012):
Your ex was never truthful to you.
Is he paying regular and reasonable child support? If not get it regularised. If yes then he should. That payment is for HIS CHILD to support HIS CHILD. You don't have to provide him any comfort in return.
He clearly still has sex with his wife and I imagine he will pour more attention and love on to his child with his wife than his child with you.
He even USES his child as an excuse to see you. Since he knows you are not yet over him. And he hopes he'll get lucky if your resolve weakens.
Using his child in in the hope he may get some action with you is reprehensible.
Breaking up with him 9 months ago caused you great grief. You are still suffering this grief now.
You have been doing really well, but just today things seemed different and you felt sad and overwhelmed.
You made a decision to really move on. But this morning you felt like you had taken a step back.
Such things happen, though it is not the end of the world.
Try not to be so tough on yourself. Sometimes people do suffer a road block. You know you need to do something about getting through this road block, for your own self respect.
When you did see him you were comfortable with him and he made you feel good. But he was only ever part time and he never delivered all that his actions promises. Because he is more committed to his wife than he is to you.
But he would say yes to sex if you invited that attention, though I doubt he will ever leave his wife.
You do not need to suffer being his SECOND CHOICE, an on the side offering WHEN TT SUITS HIM. You know you deserve better.
You have your beloved daughter.
But his actions demonstrate that you never really had his heart. His wife has his heart. And yes there are marriage problems between her and him. But not that bad that he would ever leave her. He cheats on her and he lies to you.
You have been making some GOOD moves. You started studying and you got your own place. THAT shows that you are reaching out and really trying to move on.
But you still keep thinking about him.
Getting a job is not easy, particularly at this time, and arranging child care is not easy, but it will happen, eventually. Keep on updating your CV so it is up to date and does you justice.
Please contact your Doctor ASAP about depression. It is completely treatable. But it is also a serious condition and it needs expert help from your Doctor to get over this road block. You need help to ensure you are able to cope with this road block and get back to good health. All sorts of things can cause temporary depression. The thing is to ensure the depression does not go on for too long. That is why you need to see the Doctor.
When he says he is not happy with his wife he is just acting like a typical player. He is alleging he is so unhappy with his wife that he just got her pregnant. So sexually she can still excite him.
What a disgusting thing for him to say to you -that he did not want the baby his wife is expecting. How truly disrespectful. One wonders what he has said about you and his daughter (your daughter) to his wife?? And he did not think his wife would get pregnant? Hello? He has regular unprotected sex with his wife and now he is surprised his wife got pregnant. Call him out for his fanciful lies. And his disrespect for his wife and his children and you.
These two articles may help you. They are both by one of the Great Uncles on Dearcupid.org, namely AnonymouseMale1.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-things-to-help-you-get-over-a.html
And you have correctly assessed him when you noticed that he "acts like a jerk"
And "uses" his daughter as an excuse to see you.
I know that money will be very very tight.
But develop some hobbies that take limited money.
For instance writing a journal and setting out some written goals (small and big/short term and long term) and then giving yourself a GOLD star in your journal when you achieve success with any part of any goal will make you feel better.
Another inexpensive pastime is walking in the park - you walking and your daughter in the stroller. It is good exercise and if you do the walking at the right time of day then you may meet other young mothers and find one of the mothers, walking her child, who is worthy of being a friend.
You could also offer to babysit children (for a modest payment) in your home - your could specify that you will babysit children up to 24 months of age. That way your child and the other child could also enjoy each other's company.
As you speak to other young mothers in the area you are likely to hear of activities that may benefit you or be of use to you.
Is there any skill you already have that could be upskilled into a skill that might earn you a little side income before you get a job? I am thinking making earings to sell on etsy.com. or any other craft or artistic skill you may have that you could use to creat a side income. To make things easier.
I am glad that your Mom is in your life and able to help you. Maybe set aside time to invite her to your home for a simple meal - I am sure she would love to be your guest in your hom. She can be an important ally as you rebuild your life and become determined to get over this philanderer you met and (sadly for you) fell in love with. However one good thing did come out of this relationship and that is your beloved daughter. I am sure you want the best for your daughter. That is why the first thing you need to do is get that Depression attended to, by a visit to the Doctor.
Try to set up a more anonymous pick up point for him to see his daughter and perhaps make sure you are accompanied by your mother or a friend for the next few months until you are stronger. Or don't even give him an option. Just send your daughter to see him with your mother, not you, to be there when he sees his daughter. Do NOT let him manipulate you.
You CAN survive this. It is not easy being a single parent. I know that that you can do this as life will gradually take on a rosier hue. And you will start to feel much better once you "wash this man right out of your hair" and move on.
My very Good wishes to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (24 November 2012):
Sadly one of the easiest ways to get over someone is to cut all contact with them but obviously because of your daughter this option isn't possible.
Maybe one way of limiting contact is to make it clear to him that the only thing you 2 need to converse about is her and that's it but I know that this is definitely easier said than done.
It's really great that you've started moving on with your life like enrolling in a course but sadly part of the moving on from someone process is being okay for a while and then feeling like you're going back a step by thinking about them/missing them again.
I know it probably doesn't feel like it but this feeling in time will pass and you will get to a stage where you are feeling happy again and the nest time you miss him - the feelings won't be as strong. Just try and remember that the initial pain you felt will never be as strong again and everyday it will get a little better.
Really feeling for you - he was married and shouldn't have really got involved with you but just think you have a wonderful little girl because of it and you'll be able to build a future for her :) x
...............................
|
