A
female
age
36-40,
*ugs4hokies
writes:I need some help. I have no idea what to do, or what to think, or what to feel. I met this guy a couple of months ago in a parking lot at a car shop that I was at with my best friend. The moment we saw each other across the way, there was this inexplicable connection. People actually stopped talking to look at us. We got back in the car, and my best friend said "wow." she got back out and gave him my number, and he called me ten minutes later. We met that night, with two of our friends, and talked for 5 hrs. Same thing the next night. Next night, out by ourselves...spent 4 hours at dinner not even eating just talking, and then a movie. He asked me to be his girlfriend that night ( I know...really fast). I said yes.It was pretty much the most amazing connection I've ever felt, and best relationship I've ever had. He told me everyday how perfect he thought I was, and couldn't believe it, almost. He showed it too. By the way he looked at me when I was doing something or talking, and also by his actions. He treated me better than my brothers even. About a week after though, we both decided to take things a little slower...the rate we were moving we'd be married in a month! He was already talking about me moving to CA with him in a few months when he has to go, etc. So I brought it up, and we both thought it'd be a good idea to slow down some. Things were still "the same" though. One day, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed he didn't call me that evening like usual...kinda weird, but no big deal. The next day,in the middle of dinner said "I think we should just try to be friends." ?!?!! "what?! uhh..why?" After about 3 min of awkwardness, he finally spit it out.. "there's this girl..."you see, i kinda knew about her. on our third date, he told me about her briefly. story goes: he separated from his wife last year (she stopped loving him, moved away, etc), he was in the military so technically didn't spend much time with her before marriage. when she left, he met this girl online playing some online game that he ended up talking to, helping him, etc. never met..but she was supposed to come visit him about 3 weeks before we met, but didn't show up, and stopped talking to him for no apparent reason. so, after we started dating, she started contacting him again...and i kinda knew, bc one day he left his phone at my house, and i saw her calling/texting, etc...i'm sorry, i'm sorry etc. she wanted another chance, and he said he felt like she deserved one, and tha the liked us both but he liked her longer and she knows him well. so we went on a 2 hr walk...to a store, bought a pack of cards (we used to play cards together), and talked, and laughed...he told me then that he felt this connection with me since the moment we saw each other that only got stronger..and didn't know if he was making a mistake. i told him i can't make that decision for you. you have to make your own mistakes.we hugged, said goodbye, he asked if we could still talk and i said no, it'd be too hard/weird, as we have feelings for each other, and if he missed me he would find me but i'm not gonna wait around or be there as a "friend". this is the part that gets harder: i KEEP running into him... everywhere. literally. i leave in the biggest city in the united states. i've dated over 15 guys in the last 4 years(some not seriously...this includes just "dates")..and i've never ONCE seen any of them out. even the ones where i know we hang at the same places, live by each other, etc. it's a big city. we don't live "near" each other necessarily. but i mean...i'll show up at a place with my best friend for example, and literally two seconds later him and his friend will walk in the door. or, i'll be outside somewhere, turn the corner, and literally smack into his shoulder. this has happened over 5x in the last 2 weeks. what's even worse...is we've ended up talking almost everytime (a couple times i've walked away before he saw me). the first time...we talked for about 10 min, and then he said randomly "i feel awkward, is it ok if i leave?" i smiled and just said sure. i thought that was the last time i'd see him. the second time, after i saw him, and walked away, he came up, pulled up a chair, sat down at my table with me n my friends (restaurant), and pulls out the pack of cards we bought when we broke up that he is apparently now caring his cigarettes in as well and proceeds to do this card trick with me that we used to do. he introduced himself to my friends, my friends boyfriend etc. later my friends are all about to leave, he's across the street, texts me (i'd deleted his #) and asks me to come play pool. i do. we hang out, talk, laugh, there's all this sexual chemistry...and then i left. this is the scenario that's going on when i see him.he is the nicest guy i've ever dated, bar-none. not once did we ever have a problem...it was like we were best friends instantly and lovers too. he always said daily how much we had in common was unreal, we could spend hours together...and just laugh. i don't think we ever even watched tv once the whole time we were together. he was so respectful, kind, and sweet...and told me the same often. so, my dilemma is, i can't get over him. i can't get him out of my head. i've tried going on dates, hangin out w/ friends, doing activities...and it keeps coming back to him. they're meeting this weekend too. i'm so afraid i'll run into them somewhere. i don't know what to do. how do you get over someone that you can't escape? i can't sleep, i can't eat, and when i start to think i'm fine, that's the moment i see him again. i don't know what to do, what to think, i feel like i have no clarity. any help?
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, military, online game, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 July 2009):
 Well done you!!!
Your doing the right thing and I am not surprised he acted that way when you saw him. It's such selfish behaviour to go up and 'kiss and hug' a person he knows he has hurt and he knows still wants him...what a bastard!!
Like you said, it upset you and you couldn't sleep. I doubt he lost any sleep that night...grrr!!
The only way to kick his selfish behaviour 'in the nuts' is to cut the cord of contact...you seriously don't need someone like that upsetting you all the time.
Think of all the sadness you feel over the situation and let it gradually fade away. Don't let him come back to pour fuel to the dying flame. YOU CAN AND WILL GET OVER HIM.
If he tries to hug and kiss you again...I'd use your knee right in the soft spot. How dare he think he can even touch such a lovely kind and caring you, after hurting you so much.
SHAME ON HIM!!!
lots of love
Aunty Em xxx
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 July 2009):
 Well I am glad that he showed his hand. The thing with person's we met online is that as I had said in my previous post that they cant turn the other person on or off without batting an eye. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago where the woman I was talking to online pulled the same rug out from under me on multiple occasions, even going so far to tell me she had made reservations for lodging, only to find that a few days before we were to meet she disappeared off the radar and I didn't hear from her for long periods of time. Then the process started again and it left me numb as it was repeated multiple times before I finally got it through my head that it wasn't gonna happen.It's his loss, he could have been with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4hokies +, writes (15 July 2009):
hugs4hokies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your comments and help:). I've been going to other places the last couple of weeks...totally different. I didn't see him on the 4th weekend, but I did run into him this past Saturday when I was with my best friend n her boyfriend. He was with his guy friends but had left them...I think to try to talk to me, he started walkin up so I turned and went in the bathroom. I think he left...but then he came back, an hour later, and walked up and gave me a big hug n kiss before saying anything. Then he just smiled and started chatting... and asked, as usual, who I was with, if we could go outside and talk, etc.
Long story short, we talked a bit, kinda awkward, still giving the looks, flirting, etc. and again, right when we were saying goodbye said "i'm sorry i hurt you. you really are the sweetest person i've ever met." then we just said ttyl, walked away.
very frustrating, and stressful. I couldn't sleep all night.
Him and that girl ended up not working out-she deleted him, and stopped talking to him 5 days before her 'visit'. At any rate, he doesn't contact me in any way...except like that when I see him out. Per talking to my parents and a close guy friend the next day per my parents recommendation, I sent him a short text and just said "I was thinking about what happened this weekend, and it upsets me. Please don't do it again." Hopefully, he will stay away or at least if I do see him, just say hi, instead of acting like that. It's too confusing, misleading, and hurtful...I can't handle it.
He also told me he was looking at our pictures on my myspace the other day...and he has a lot. He had 2 profiles, and deleted me from the one she was on, but not the other one...and I think now I may just delete him and the pix and go to 'private'. If I see him out, walk away. or say I can't talk if he comes up, smile, and walk away. I think that'st he best I can do at this point.
Thanks for your advice, all of you!
...............................
A
male
reader, deebee +, writes (4 July 2009):
First; erase all of his contact information from your electronic devices. While you are at it, eradicate his old emails. Second, throw away all those love letters, cards and gifts. Do not read them just one last time. Burn the cards and photographs, and give the gifts to charity. Rid yourself of all his recollections - among other things - throw away the stained boxer shorts he left under your pillow. Lastly, do not listen to the love songs that awaken memories of what could have been.Do not contact him! Stand your ground - refuse to take his phone calls. Do not answer his emails or respond to his instant messages. No cyber-stalking on social networking sites. Stop driving by his house to see if his car is parked in the driveway, or to see if his room light is on at night. Don't go back to places that you used to hang out together hoping you accidentally run into him. No! You can not be his friend, at least not until you are actually over him. Don't pretend to be over him, just so you can be his friend. He will know you are faking it.You are not alone, we have all been there. Don't try to forget him by sleeping around. That will only confuse things. Don't try to put pressure on yourself by reinventing yourself - just be true to yourself. Remember, the best way to get over someone is by getting on with your life, and living it well. Keep in mind time heals all wounds.D.E. Boone, Author of Legs Talk: A Modern Girl's Dating Talehttp://www.legs-talk.com
...............................
A
male
reader, deebee +, writes (4 July 2009):
First; erase all of his contact information from your electronic devices. While you are at it, eradicate his old emails. Second, throw away all those love letters, cards and gifts. Do not read them just one last time. Burn the cards and photographs, and give the gifts to charity. Rid yourself of all his recollections - among other things - throw away the stained boxer shorts he left under your pillow. Lastly, do not listen to the love songs that awaken memories of what could have been.Do not contact him! Stand your ground - refuse to take his phone calls. Do not answer his emails or respond to his instant messages. No cyber-stalking on social networking sites. Stop driving by his house to see if his car is parked in the driveway, or to see if his room light is on at night. Don't go back to places that you used to hang out together hoping you accidentally run into him. No! You can not be his friend, at least not until you are actually over him. Don't pretend to be over him, just so you can be his friend. He will know you are faking it.You are not alone, we have all been there. Don't try to forget him by sleeping around. That will only confuse things. Don't try to put pressure on yourself by reinventing yourself - just be true to yourself. Remember, the best way to get over someone is by getting on with your life, and living it well. Keep in mind time heals all wounds.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 July 2009):
Really you need to avoid him completely if you can. His having feelings for you means very little. You have to face the bare facts: He could be in a relationship with you and love and care for you...but HE ISN'T!! This guy is playing around, whether it's because he is 'playing the field' to see who comes into his life next, or whether he is in 'post divorce confusion' and doesn't know what he wants. This phase can last for years. People develop many issues after a divorce and usually they are issues that only the person themself can remedy.You are being way too nice and covering up the real issue and that is that this situation is hurting and misleading you. You know in your heart that you can't stay friends with him. If you do, it will just compound and lengthen your pain everytime you discover he is dating someone else. He may return to you many many times, but as day follows night...he will leave you again and again. Men who don't have issues and are looking for a stable relationship don't do this. Men who are confused, have issues and are hedging their bets do, do this!!!Sadly most women always seem to blame themselves when something goes wrong. They form emotional attachments much quicker and cling to hopes that things will change. Men do not form emotional attachments so easily, and they certainly don't equate sex with emotion. I think what q1605 is trying to say (In a highly technical and clever clogsy type way!!) is that indirectly, you may be going to places where you know you will run into this guy, because your heart desires to actually still have contact with him in the hopes that he will change and start over with you. It's heart ruling the head stuff, and we all do it (men and women) when we don't really want to let go!!Make a concerted effort to never see him again. Do as Grim Reality says and change your movements to avoid him and in a few weeks you will be clear of the attachment and will be able to meet someone more suitable with less issues.Let us know how you get on!!Love Aunty Em xxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4hokies +, writes (3 July 2009):
hugs4hokies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all of your answers...it was reeeally encouraging. so, do you think the best thing, if i keep seeing him..is first, to ask him NOT to keep coming around/finding me/talking to me/flirting, etc.? i guess i just don't know what to say when i see him...everytime i see him he talks to me. it's kinda like when we see each other, or literally run into each other...it's like that awkward "what do we do now?" kinda thing-except the whole him actually seeking me out a few other times...but i mean, the random times. i don't know how to respond. i have been trying to just act friendly but like i don't care. but i don't know what to do when he actually comes across a room to talk to me, or across the street, or whatever. i don't want to be rude, but i don't want to be friends with him either. i care about him, but i know i can't trust my heart, and i know that while he likes this other girl, he does have feelings for me too..which i know would end up confusing me even more.
...............................
A
female
reader, hugs4hokies +, writes (3 July 2009):
hugs4hokies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone thing i wanted to clarify: we're not running into each other purposely (usually...although, one time when he saw me, the night with the sitting at my table stuff...his friends kept coming to get him and he kept coming back to look for me about 3x)...
i don't THINK he's showing up, purposely, anyways...to the places i hang out. he just moved here 2 months ago after spending some time at his family's place once him and his wife split..i'm the first person he's actually dated since they divorced. i think he's just still exploring places, but, unfortunately we can't seem to escape each other. i know tons of people around town too, so i've seen him here and there.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 July 2009):
Uh,It seems that you have run into a guy that is now (and no its not a novel idea) "running into you".Lets face it. This guy had an online relationship with another gal. He told you about her on the 3rd date. He likes the attention that she gives him, whether its real or not. And apparently this other gal has him by the balls because he stops at the drop of a hat to attend to her. And you cant know someone unless you are physically there. There are way too many nutjobs online to be able to say with certainty that "she knows him". That response alone is a red flag that this guy is living in FANTASY LAND!Where you came in is that you are a real person, with real feelings. Since he has'nt met the other gal other than online(is that correct?) she satisfies his emotional needs, and can turn her on and off at will. from the sound of it, he didnt like the fact that you wanted to be friends and is doing these "run-ins" on purpose. If you live in NYC, you know as well as I do that the chances of having 5 run ins out of the blue with the same person over such a short time is about as probable as Eliot Spitzer becoming a relationship counselor.Basically he is simply trying to force the issue with you. I know exactly what you are going through, and it happens to just as many guys from fly by night women as it does to young ladies. The point is that he seems to be so respectful to you, then he should acceede to your wishes and leave you alone. The next thing will be that he is not going to be so nice unless you put your foot down.easier said than done, I know. But I fear that he is gonna turn a little nutty on you if you dont nip this in the bud. He can have his online romance and turn it off when he wants. He wants you for the physical attachment he cant get online. Simple as that.change your movements for a couple of weeks COMPLETELY. Go to different places than you usually do. Hang out with people you know he does not know. Go to different social settings on a temp basis. Something does not seem right about this, and I think if you change your itinerary and he shows up, you may have a more serious situation.And Aunty Em is right about one thing.....trying to be friends with someone after breaking up is next to impossible. You need to move on from this and that means deleting any facet of this guy from your life. If that is what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 July 2009):
Sounds like he's got you mixed up in a good tight bind. Treating you so well and gaining your confidence and then withdrawing and asking to be 'friends'. He was in the wrong to begin with. He started something with yoou whilst he had another girl in his mind and now he wants to play the friends game with you in the hope that if it doesn't work out with her...he can come running back to you.
I think you have demonstrated that your making an effort to move on, but how can you when he is so in your face!! I know how hard it is to watch someone your crazy about go off with other women...or just be in your presence and not be able to do anything about it.
Try sitting down and asking yourself what you truly want. If you can't bear to keep running into this guy then you need to speak to him and ask him politely to stay away from places you go. If he won't then you need to find new places to hang out. It seems cruel that he keeps showing up, but as always, men don't realise when they are causing pain to a woman. Your just going to have to be truthful with him and tell him that 'If there is no hope that your going to go back out with him that he needs to stay away'.
It is almost impossible to remain friends with a previous lover when you break apart. If friendship ever does happen, it's usually because both people have met other partners and are happy...only then is it safe to tread the path to friendship. Mostly it's best to get on with your own life, in your own space so you can heal your emotional wounds (takes time but you will get there). If in time you decide to give things another go, make absolutely sure he isn't involved with anyone else. Some people play this game forever...it's absolutely cruel and wretched to promise so much and then tear it away from someone.
Please put yourself first. If he wanted to be with you exclusively, he could and would make it happen. Don't get caught up in mindless love entanglements that can go on for years and ruin your chances of meeting someone who really wants to be with you.
(As a footnote, some men are very good at sweet talking and telling a woman what she wants to hear to win her over. Some will promise you the earth and spin themselves into the man of your dreams. The ones who mean it stay...the ones who dont mean it will dump you when they find someone else they like better. I know this sounds odd and judgemental but it's completely true)
Don't waste your tears my darling...Good luck to you!!!
Aunty Em xxx
...............................
|
