A
female
age
36-40,
*olverine7
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years recently broke up with me. We were high school sweethearts who always had a complicated relationship. We got pregnant and had a baby in high school. He later proposed to me after the baby turned one and we planned to marry in June of 2007. Things fell apart and we called off the wedding, but continued dating. In September of 2007 we took a "break". We were telling everyone we were broken up, but nothing had changed at all.It just seemed as if we needed a little break because of all the stress we face as teenage parents (parents, full-time school for both us, full-time job for him, part-time job for me). Everything told me we were going to make it and be back together. He kept leading me to believe that was what was going to happen. I know high school relationships rarely last especially with the added stress of parenthood, but I really thought we could defy the odds.But in late January he completely broke up with me, when I thought he was going to reask me out. He told me he was interested in another girl and had to explore his feelings for her. Yet he also told me that he wasn't looking to get into a serious relationship anytime soon (Now I feel he said this only to pad the blow as we broke up). Only a week later he started having sex with her and 3 weeks later they were dating. He kept telling me things weren't that serious and it was complicated (He's just turned 21 and the girl is 26 the girl also has a 10-year-old daughter). But then after a night gone too far on both our ends he decided to fill me in that things were more serious than he led me to believe. That made me feel worse. I don't like this girl by any means, but like to think of myself as a respectful human being who would not help someone cheat on their g/f.He claims that he loved me at one time, but doesn't any more and doesn't want to fake it anymore...although he'll admit that he is still attracted to me he just doesn't love me.He wants us to be friends and be a part of his daughter's life, and I really want that to, mainly for our daughter's sake. But (now to the point/question) how do I get over the guy I love and just be his friend when I have to see him at least 3 times a week and have no way of not seeing him, because our daughter deserves to know her father. How do I deal what feels more like a divorce than a break up at only 19. I still love him, and am having the hardest time just letting go and moving on. I am trying my hardest to act mature, but I was not prepared for this break-up and it shows often when I get forced with facing him.Also apart of us being friends is he often discusses the new g/f with me. But all he ever has to say are negative things about the g/f to me. Then he goes on and on complimenting me. I keep trying to tell myself that he's an idiot if he wants to continue on in a realtionship with this girl who he can't seem to find anything good to say about, and therefore I deserve better, but it's not the easiest thing to convince myself of. So overall 2 questions:1.How am I suppose to get over him?2. Why is he spending all our time together complimenting me and go on and on to me, his ex, about his present g/f's complicatedness, when he wants to be just friends?
View related questions:
a break, broke up, divorce, his ex, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 I am glad to hear that things are moving in the right directions for you. Your marriage has been given a new life line.
Be positive thinking and focus on his good sides and you will think of him in a positive way.
A
female
reader, wolverine7 +, writes (3 March 2008):
wolverine7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did speak in direct terms, but he was holding a secret he kept for over a year. I didn't have a clue to this secret until he spilled his guts last night to me. Then he went to his new girlfriend and spilled his guts (it was a pretty huge secret). After spending the night with her, he and her were having a coversation and she asked him what was holding him back from having a real realtionship with her and if he still loved me. He left her house without answering and without saying goodbye, just walked out. He then came directly to me and apologized. He told me he loved me and that it was me that he wanted; he was just too stubborn to admit before now. I told him there couldn't be an us til he actually talked to her and told her it was over. As soon as he is done with that we can be together again, but he has created insecruities in me over the last month or two so it's going to take hard work and building back up some faith, but I really believe we can do it. We just have to move slow and communicate everything. Yesterday was a giant break through and I knew that it would be great for our friendship, but today when he actually realized the truth it was an even greater day. However, I'm still a bit skeptical and taking things slowly...not just jumping right back into the realtionship and how things use to be. I really hope all will be good from now on. (I know there will always be little hills to climb, but hopefully no more mountains the size of this last one). Thank you for all your advice you really have been a big help in getting my feelings out...
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 March 2008):
It is always the case that the men think they are more matured when they start working.They do not know the real situation.
What is holding him from coming back to you ? From the way you described his actions, it looks like he wants to come back to you .
Are you sure , he got your message ? Did you speak to him in a direct way or gave him hints only?
...............................
A
female
reader, wolverine7 +, writes (1 March 2008):
wolverine7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlthough you make some great points, I will clarify that I have been very open and honest with him about my feelings for him, and he knows if he came back I would take him back.
He complained that we couldn't work it out because we had communication issues. Often that meant that I would stay quiet in a heated conversation, because I was trying to figure out what I really wanted to say. I would always answer sometimes after 5 minutes sometimes after an hour or sometimes after a day. He hated the pauses, but he was often worse in just keeping completely silent and he would bury it after the fact and never answer the problem at hand, which always frustrated me. Our problems stemmed from jealousy (he is mainly only friends with girls and while I was not jealous that I thought they were going to steal him away I was jealous often that him spending time with them would take away from his time with me and his daughter... we're busy people and don't have much of that as it is), different priorities (I think spending time with daughter is number 1 while he thinks providing financially for daughter is number 1...both noble causes), finally our slightly different situations (he thinks he's so mature because he's got a full time job, full time student, and father...while I only have a part time job, full time student, and mother. That's his opinion...my opinion says he has full time job, part time school (it's an online school that takes considerabler less time than my correspondent college), and he is only a part time father (2 or 3 nights a week he gives his daughter 3 hours, and we might get all Sunday after 11 am), while I am part-time employee (less than 10 hours), full time student (often carrying 18 credit hours), and full time mom. Other than that we only had little problems here and there. So in order for us to be friends and maybe once again be more one day I am being completely open with him throughout this breakup which leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
A big part of the break up is his immaturity and stubborness. He really wants to think he's so mature and that I'm not, but I've been trying to prove the exact opposite with this break up (and he's taken notice). I really want us to be friends so I can have that foothold when he leaves this girl (no matter what the future of me and him hold, I do not see him and her lasting very long...neither does his own mother).
But in order to be his friend I am having trouble drawing the line of when do I sit and listen and support him and when is it just too much and going to break me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 March 2008):
If you want to get over him , just be civil with him and do not get involved in his affairs . Do not chat with him except only those that concerns your daughter.
This way , you can break the bond with him as a former g/f.
Don't listen to his whines about his new g/f.
For your second question;-
A man can say one thing and do another. He may say, Don't go.' but he will go.
Now that he has tasted both , he has found out the truth that you are the better one.
A man is a creature of habit. He likes the familiar things and if he misses them , he will think of going back to them.
He maybe hinting to you that he wants you back but does not know where you stand on that.
Telling you that he just want to be friends is a safer bet because he fears that you will reject him when you learn of his intentions.
From just friends , you can slowly progress. It is like gaining a foothole in your territory.
...............................
A
female
reader, wolverine7 +, writes (1 March 2008):
wolverine7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your kind words. All of my friends just keep lecturing me for not being over it already. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks that I am very mature for my age. But, then again, they get to see me at my most immature moments too. Don't get me wrong, they do find me mature when it comes to my mothering skills just not my relationship skills.
ALthough, I have considered leaving while he is with our daughter so I don't have to spend time with him I don't like that option after all the pros and cons are weighed. He is very mature in finances and other ways, but can be very immature in many ways too. I can't always trust him enough to leave him alone. For short times without a car he is great, but if he has a car he has taken her somewhere else for someone else to take care of her (like his parent's house) or he has once taken her to see his new g/f before they were declared b/f & g/f. I told him she was too young to be put through meeting new significant others and even if I started dating it would be a long time before she was introduced. He only introduced the g/f as friend, but it still threatened me and caused problems between us. So I leave once in a while, but most of the time I try to stick around.
I would still take him back, but I also don't want to wait around for him for the rest of my life. And I realize that this phase might last a while longer as we are still both young and he needs some time to grow up. Or he might never grow up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): I would firstly like to tell you that you sound and are acting like an amazing women with all of this. Shit you really are together at such a young age.
That is your strength.
Because the two of you have been together for such along time, and you have also experianced things at a very young age, which most adults would find difficult to cope with, your almost connected at the hip. He seems to still be relying on your for some emotional support and is still very much attached to you, which makes the breakup even harder.
It is not fair on you for him to want or need to share his problems now with you. You didn't want the breakup and your trying your best to keep it all together. Your doing very well by the way!
You'll only really 'get over him' when the relationship has properly ended. At the moment he is still very much a part of your life, and I do mean your personal life, not your childs. Yes, he should be spending this time with his child, he can still do this, but to be in the situation your in, with him sharing his problems or worries about this girl would feel like torture. I am sure he does not realise this, but you have to be a pretty special human being to not be effected by any conversation about this other bird.
This needs to stop and he needs to work this out really for himself. You have handled that brilliantly so far, but it may be time for you to make a statement that the boundaries now with the two of you need re-defining.
He can't continue to pull you in, if you don't want him to.
This man will be in your life forever. You share a child. You sound incredibly mature and on to it. With that wisdom you possess, think about what you wish to acheive now with you own time and space. Can he perhaps see his daughter without you there all the time? He needs to grow a bit, up or out. He may still be very much attached to your opinions about things, which is okay when your sharing a life together, but not so smooth when your supposed to be separate entities.
I get a funny feeling that maybe you two might reconnect. And if that is a possibility, and you want that, then perhaps getting him to stand on his own two feet with the choices he now makes, will show you who he really is and if he could still be a good prospect for your future. Your child will always be part of his life, but he shouldn't continue almost acting as if you will be there for him, in which ever way he is expecting.
Maybe honey you could tell him that the topic of his relationship with this girl is something you don't want to know about. That it has been hard for you coming to grips with the end of the relationship and he needs to understand that this topic is hurting you and something which is now a bit insensitive for him to discuss with you.
You will be able to be friends, but define the relationship and put up some boundaries and expectations.
All the best, again you sound AWESOME. Lucky little girl to have a together mum like you. xxxxxx
...............................
|
