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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I get over being so insecure? Especially about the way I look. I simply hate the way I look, I hadn't realized how ugly my body and face are until now. And it's making me miserable. It hurts my relationships. But I can't seem to make it stop and therapy hasn't helped. I feel lost.I have never been a "pretty girl", as a matter of fact I grew up being told I was ugly or simply being ignored, especially in high school and this was quite tough because I always felt unwanted despite the fact that I've always been intelligent, caring, fun and talented. It just didn't seem to be enough for guys. I only got a boyfriend when I finished high school.I'm still with him, but I also don't feel very attractive, no matter what he says. I've lost a lot of weight since we got together, and he usually tells me (without being asked) that I'm hot now and that in the beginning he liked me more for my personality. I also remember he used to tell me when he thought a celeb was hot without being asked. Usually the typical "blonde, thin, big boobed" celebs. Sometimes the ones who have no hips, and who have massive implants. I have A cup breasts, and wide hips. I hate that. It's not beautiful and men clearly don't like that look as much as "big boobs, no hips". I feel so ugly, so sad and miserable and I know it's a vain concern. I know I could have real, bigger problems, yet I'm stuck with this.But I already know too much. I know that men clearly don't think looks are the most important thing, but I think given the choice, no one would choose my body as ideal. And don't even get me started on my face.But it's not only relationship with him that's suffering. I also get really sad, and angry sometimes, because my sister and friends have big boobs and love flaunting them or talking about how much guys like their boobs. Especially if we go clubbing... they wear the lowest cut tops they can find and of course get all the attention (and enjoy it). I never experience that feeling of being wanted, of being told I'm beautiful, of being lusted at... and I envy and resent them, and wish they would just hide their boobs and shut up about them. And I feel ashamed about that, because that means I'm weak.I just hate looking this way, I hate being affected by what men think is hot, or by what society puts in the media. I know the solution is within me, I just don't know how to stop. I exercise everyday and I'm thin, but I still hate my body and face. I know that my boyfriend wateches porn, and thinks other women are attractive (possibly more attractive) and that he loves me and that all this is normal, but still, that thought kills me. It makes me feel so small, so worthless, so UGLY. I don't really ogle other guys because I just don't get the urge, so for me it's hard to put myself in his shoes, just like for him it's hard to understand why I'd get insecure over his porn habits, for instance. And I know looks mean nothing, that being ugly doesn't make me a lesser person or that hot, ideal women aren't better just because they're beautiful. But for some reason, I just feel being beautiful is better, because people do care. To deny that would be a lie, a huge lie.I just wish I could accept my lack of attractives, to accept my ugly face and disproportioned body, to accept I'll never be beautiful and to just be happy being ugly. But I can't. I simply can't. Is there hope?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): You could try reading "Living Dolls" by Natasha Walter.The kind of women that you are describing your boyfriend being turned on by are what she would call "hypersexualised" women, who basically want to live up to male porn fantasies.The women involved rarely have ANY other interests and are very one dimensional, often obsessed with celebrity and so on. Historically, this kind of female 'phenomena' was due to happen because, for a very long time, working class women in particular were relatively "invivisbile" and powerless. The kind of high visibility and power that these women want is like a "quick fix" or "fast track" route to feeling better. It rarely works for those who actually want to develop a balanced life, with healthy values in place.When you are caught up in thinking about them all the time,and no other alternatives are being shown to you, this kind of body image and face image seems extremely powerful.Your boyfriend is very obviously making the situation far worse for you than it would have been, because he has a very narrow idea - and it sounds also like a very immature one - of what a woman should be like. He is indirectly putting pressure on you to live up to this kind of sterotype that, typically, takes up the entire time/life of the woman in question trying to achieve. And as these women age, it will simply get harder and harder.You can enjoy being healthy and slimmer and dressing up as part of a balanced lifestyle where you also have many other interests. At the moment, that balance is out of hand, and you are becoming obsessed with an 'ideal' that is, in many people's view, a really cheap stereotype. I am slim, and I do exercise and wear high heels and make up. I LOVE dressing up. But I also have days where I don't bother so much, and my boyfriend loves me without make up - even though I am very plain looking. For almost two decades I have been on a mission to reduce the size of certain parts of my body - and we laugh together about the various phases of intensity that this goes through - he really doesn't care what size I am, but he understands that it is really hard for women today to just accept themselves. We compare my predicament with his attempts to turn his small beer belly into a six pack, and laugh together about this as well.I suggest that you educate yourself a bit more about the situation that you are in and realise that you are very far from alone. The book that I am recommending will help hugely. There is also another one called "One Dimensional Woman" by Nina Power - a bit trickier to read, but there's an interesting section on the history of porn and how it used to be much milder and just "fun". Remember that the type of image that you are after is basically encouraged for two reasons: a to keep women preoccuppied so that they are basically easier to influence. b. to keep women spending money, because the type of image that you are describing does not come cheap. Basically it is a form of capitalism that needs for women to keep buying into.You do not have to be a fat, hairy, no make up wearing person in order to have an interesting personality as a woman. Neither do you have to be a stick thin, large breasted, blonde and tanned "doll" for men to play with. You can be something inbetween or something entirely different. But until you understand that the current views that you have about yourself are being caused by greater influences that have affected women for a long time, and until you educate yourself about what your choices are, you will stay in the same hurting place, with thousands of other women, for a long time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): This is how things ARE . Since the dawn of time, looks have been used as a measure to determine how good our genetics are, and thus our suitability as a mate. This was required back then because langauge was not used, and people could not get across their personality by communicating. Not that it would have mattered, because it was about reproducing viable offspring, not about how articulate you were. Therefore, look are very important, and those that are beautiful and have big boobs (desirable due to an indication of fertility) WILL have a better experience in life. We, as humans are programmed to appreciate and value beauty, and this is especially the case with men. So does that mean you give up? No it doesn't. It just means you accept it and continue with your life. Its far too short to worry about things like this and miss out on all the great stuff.
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