A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:How do I get over the idea of being rejected by guys?Hi I'm 18 and about to go off to university. I've always been scared of getting rejected by guys so I have never put myself out there. As a result... I've never actually experienced rejection. Whenever I like a guy I usually brush it off, obsess from afar and just be friends with him. I've never been able to tell a guy how I truly feel. Well hardly never. I had sex for the first time with a guy that I work with and had been somewhat crushing on for a year, I say 'somewhat' because I think it was more infatuation. He gave me attention and I thought he was just attracted to him. I made the first move there and I wasn't rejected. I mean we had sex after all. This was a few months ago, and I don't think I had deep feelings for him because I was completely fine with the fact that we slept together and remained friends. I think that's why I was able to make the first move, because I wasn't expecting anything real, it was just a mutual sexual attraction. Maybe I was more confident with him because I'd known him for a year before that. I want to be more confident around other guys. I'm sort of crushing on a guy at the moment but I don't know what to do about it. We've spoken briefly a few times (but I barely know him), just casual chat, and I want to be able to let him know I'm interested but I don't know how. He seems a few years older, maybe 19-21 but I haven't asked. When we talk his friends are in the background smiling and whispering (not so quietly) telling him to man up and say something. He seems shy around me which makes me shy around him. I'm sick of this happening and seemingly good guys getting away. I want to let him know that I'm interested but I just get so nervous around him that I can barely string sentences together. How do I get myself to come out of this stupid shell and make the first move??
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (3 August 2017):
The only way for you to overcome rejection, is by being rejected, many times. The more you avoid being rejected, the harder it will be for you to overcome your fear.
Having a real relationship is about taking (healthy) risks. By healthy risks, I mean things that don't put yourself in danger, like an STD or things that may physically hurt you.
If you like that guy, and you can't talk to him nor he can't talk to you, why don't you go the old fashion and effective way of doing things that is writing a letter (by hand), telling him your feelings, and adding your phone number at the end of the letter.
If you don't take initiative, the good guys you like are going to be gone or unavailable.
Shy guys like the one you mention could take years to make up their minds and to take courage to ask you out, so if you don't make a move, you'll have to wait very long.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Don't ever put your self down just remember your beautiful
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 WHY look on the negative side, why to think you're going to be rejected, You are putting the cart before the horse here fearing rejection before your even in a relationship,
this guy you know and interests you some what if you meet or bump into each other again and his foolish friends around just tell him if he gives you his phone number you can pass him yours there and then, in that way he can talk to you with out the other fools around,
your built castles in the sky thinking of rejection before you have a relationship, deal with the problems you have today and not the ones you have tomorrow or might never have, How do you think it will work out if you go into it thinking it will file
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): First, don't let sex be the only way you know how to connect with a guy. You're not a kid anymore; so it's time you start developing your interactive-skills.
Rejection doesn't just come your way; there will be times you'll have to be the one who has to turn somebody down. Unlike high school, you'll be dealing with young adults; not a bunch of kids. So you better get-over some of your shyness. You will not only be rejected; but you'll also get unwanted attention from creeps. So you'll have to repel a few guys you're not too wild about.
Rejection is part of growth and maturing. First of all, it humbles us and reminds us that we're not all that. It also teaches us how to treat the feelings of others by being on the receiving end of it. Knowing how it feels will make you go easier on nice-guys who don't deserve to be rejected in an unnecessarily brutal manner. Let them down easy.
Your style of writing is quite outspoken, clear, and relatively articulate. You seem like someone who has little trouble expressing themselves. I guess once you're thrust into a situation, you'll figure your way into or out of it.
I don't think you're going to have to handle rejection that much; but I think you've got what it takes to deal with it.
You develop a tolerance; because it comes with life. Everybody has to face it. Learning to deal with rejection and overcoming shyness are a survival-skills. Work on it!
Getting to know a guy well before sleeping with him is a pretty good start; although you didn't quite purposely plan it that way with your friend at work. Do yourself a favor, and don't change that rule. It will serve you well at university, and throughout life. There's an angel next to you, who has thus far protected you well.
Since you're heading out to university soon; don't sink your hooks into that guy you've recently met. You should keep it casual; but practice getting the nerve to approach a guy and not struggle with forming social connections. You should also start forming and developing your adult-identity; so people will recognize your maturity, and treat you with proper respect. You don't want to be treated like a kid anymore.
It's not that hard. You just linger long enough for him to talk to you, and let down your guard so he doesn't feel you've got your shields up. Shyness is for little kids and wimps. Adults have to learn to overcome it; because it is conducive to a healthy social-life. It works better in the dating-game; and it will gain you a good circle of friends of both genders while you're away at school.
Don't allow unsubstantiated fears to make you socially-awkward. They're just people. They can't approach until you offer them a welcome-signal; and not let shyness or fear place a wall between you and humanity.
It's quite lonely for people who insist on letting shyness override their maturity. It's okay to hold a certain amount of hesitation or reserve with total strangers; but if they make the friendly effort to get acquainted, don't deny yourself that opportunity.
Talk to the guy for crying out loud! Just don't let sex be the only way you know how to connect with men, after forming an infatuation. You're a woman now, so behave like one.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (3 August 2017):
 Rejection is part of life, and not something you can really advise on how to deal with it. Every rejection will feel different, some you will be heartbroken, others angry, some just meh.
Rejection hurts however old and experienced you are!
What I will say tho, is that as you are going to University in a few months time, it would be unfair and unwise to start something romantic with a man who, ultimately you will not be around to date.
Unless you only want sex?
University is a huge life changer. You will meet new people, of all ages, nationalities and backgrounds. Having a boyfriend back home could mean you don't take advantage or enjoy the experience as much as you should. The majority of relationships started before uni, do not survive the first year, due to distance, new experiences and the fact that you WILL CHANGE as a person... who you are, what you want from life, and how you see yourself.
Don't create an anchor to hold you back from the next stage of your life.
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