A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids. I could really use everybody's advice.Can you tell me how to get over a married man I am in love with?I know it should never have reached this point but it did. I am a rational, smart and mature woman. I guess I just let my heart get the best of me. Perhaps I was foolish or naive, thinking maybe my situation would be different.I see him everyday and we have developed a friendship which developed into an emotional affair. We have never had physical contact but the feelings are there for both of us. We have been holding them back as much as we can but it has been more difficult than you could ever imagine.Knowing you cannot be with a man who already has a wife and family is heart wrenching and one of the most difficult situations to deal with. You know all the in's and out's of the moral issue, the rights and wrongs, the complications, everything. But it does not stop your heart from feeling the way it does. And it does not stop you from hurting so badly.I have come to the realization that we cannot be together and I cannot continue feeling like this because it is destroying me and my life. I have a husband and children and my marriage is suffering because of it. Every other part of my life is suffering because of this.I need to find a way to find myself again and find a way back to my marriage. I have let myself get so immersed in this emotional affair that it has almost become obsessive and I know that it is not healthy for me to continue this way.But how do I stop having these feelings? You can't cut them off completely when you see the person everyday. One time I did not see him for a few months because he went overseas, and the feelings never went away. When he returned, they were even stronger because I missed him. It seems there is no way out of this emotional hell for me. If he said to me, I want to be with you and he was ready to leave his marriage, I would be with him. But none of this has happened. I am afraid at this point it is all games and back and forth. How long can you continue like this with no end in sight without really damaging your emotional health? I don't sleep, I don't eat. I am suffering physically as well. Because I feel I am caught in this web and cannot set myself free.I think I have finally come to the realization that this must stop. But I don't know how to do it. We have tried several times to ignore or avoid each other and we just end up back where we started.It is sad when you have real and deep feelings for another person and maybe in another time and place you would have been together but you realize that it is not meant to be. You are both married. This is the sad reality.I could really use your help. If you could tell me how to get over him, I might have some hope. I have tried and failed before. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Sever all contact with him. Case closed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Sorry you have to be going through this! I feel your pain. I fell for my doctor and am still trying to get over him. I am better. I realized I liked all the attention,gazing,joking, and flirting, etc. (We never got physical--although he was a little touchy). I guess it was missing in my marriage and I was looking for that attention. It is wrong on all levels but I keep trying to tell myself that the grass is sometimes neve greener on the other side.
Reality is that he will probably will never leave his family and wife and for that matter, I can't break up my family unit. My husband has loved me through good and bad and my kids are so happy and amazing. I look at it as a nice mental diversion--PERIOD. I have kept myself busy and tried to distance myself from him. The attraction physically and emotionally was really strong--but have to keep things in perspective.
I hope my experience helps you. It is hard but you are taking the first step by writing about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I was in a same situation but I was hoping to free myself from this stong feeling. That was stong enough to torture me for 1 year. thank God I didn’t do any wrong thing and didn’t cheat on my husband. 1 year passed and I realized the feeling is going to be faded by itself. I am so happy that I was strong; otherwise I would regret it now. So I know it could happen to any of us, but just resist to temptation you will be fine. I consider these feeling as a come and go. At leat for me was like that. Good luck I’m sure you can get over it.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 May 2011):
Advice to get over love differs because what works for one may not work for the other. I will offer my story instead, so it may give you that last mental push you need.
I fell in love with a married man who had a kid 3 years ago. I saw him twice a week, sometimes even 3 times because we both did the same sport. We could talk about pretty much anything and I guess he considered me as a friend for he would confide in me about personal things. The problem was that I was not his friend. I was in love with him. And I was imagining that these dimpled smiles he threw my way were hints that he was into me as well.
Then one day we went to a sports convention that lasted pretty long and because I have to travel quite some time he invited me over to dinner with his family. I got to meet his wife and kid. The moment I saw him interact with them, I knew we could never work out. The worst part was how nice they were. I knew then and there I could never do anything that would risk tearing apart his family. I never told him how I felt because even if he reciprocated, all it could do was destroy something good.
I still see him often today. And if I'd allow myself, I would probably fall in love with him again. But I simply told myself I could not have him in that way and that was that. In the end you just have to put your mind to it.
Judging from your post, rationally you know that you should get over him, but your heart is still holding on to that smidgen of hope. You need to stomp that firmly back into the ground. In order to get over this you need to stop putting in half hearted efforts, but go the whole way. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, about what could have been but won't be. Trust me, I have spent times thinking about how unfair it was his wife found him first, but that's what life is about. You simply can't always get what you want.
Also, you have a husband waiting for you at home. Try to identify what went wrong for you to want the greener grass on the other side so much? You fell in love with him once. Try using the time otherwise spent on thinking about this unavailable man on saving your marriage and working through that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Simple! just remind yourself that he has a wife. he is unavailable!
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female
reader, babygirllovej +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Hello,
The easy part is getting over the married man. Just like any other emotional tie you have to cut it, ignore it, and keep your mind busy with other things. As you said you are a smart women. It will be hard and test your self control but I know you can do it.
Now the hard part. You are already married. What happened? What about your husband? Are you two communicating? What is missing? Are you happy with him? Try to figure out what is going on with your relationship. Once you figure it out take the necessary steps to solve them.
You will be fine once you get this sorted out. Have nothing to do with the married man. Say a short goodbye and be done with him. Work on getting your life back together.
Good Luck!
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