A
female
age
36-40,
*nickerdoodles
writes:To make a long story short, my boyfriend of 4 years is a habitual cheater. I have kicked him out of our home after discovering another affair, but I still find myself thinking of him and wanting to work things out. We remain in contact via phone calls and text messages, and he has come over several times, as we have a one year old son. Though this is true, I know that working things out this time would only lead to another "situation" where I would end up broken-hearted again. I NEED to be done with this toxic relationship, but I'm not sure how. How do I end this madness for good? How do I stop loving him? How do I put a total end to all communication that is not regarding our son? How do I become single again? How do I just get over all of this? I am slowly losing my mind, and any advice you all can offer would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, daisyx2628 +, writes (20 October 2009):
I am in the same situation you are, except I have two children from a previous marriage. My boyfriend of 5 years, who is also 4 years younger than I am, has cheated on me a few times... we don't argue with eachother, always enjoyed eachothers company, but if I give him a hard time about anything... or push him away in the slightest, he'll cheat. The last time I found out, it was about 3 months ago. And I refused to talk to him for weeks... he would stalk me, call me, text me... cry to me, etc, etc... (this is a 29 yo man), swore he would never hurt me again, that now he is starting his life over and wants me to move in with him, etc...
We are now together. But, I cannot get over this last cheating episode with him. He admits there's no justifying it, that he was wrong, etc. I can't forgive him. I don't trust him. I have talked to him about this, and he just says "you should trust me, things will be different". It's really aggravating. Just like you, I'd really like to move on w/ my life and get over this person. I guess it's about having low self-esteem. I know I deserve better. I can't be with someone I can't trust and set myself up for an even bigger heartbreak down the road. He can swear up and down that he won't do it again, I don't believe him. It's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when' it will happen again.
We can get over this, I know that. I didn't talk to him, respond to him, nothing for almost a month, and I actually did feel great and it was because I wasn't worrying about him anymore, I didn't think about who he was with or anything and it felt like such a burden was liften from my shoulders... I ran 3 miles every day, got back into shape, starting calling old friends again...
and... even though we are kind of back together, a big part of me can't trust him again... I didn't forget how great it felt when I did have the courage to be without him for that short time... if I did it once, I can do it again... I can't stand when he begs like a dog... at my door, sending flowers to my job, calling, emailing... he knows what he is doing. I guess we're so predictable, they know what to do to get back in. And it works for them. It's a matter of our own self-worth and respect, and esteem. If we're strong emotionally, I seriously doubt we'd take any crap from any of these guys.
It does take a strong person to walk away from what I even consider an 'addiction'. So, I'll just keep praying for strength and courage to finally let go, so my kids and I can finally be happy and be with a man who's trustworthy.
Good luck!!
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 October 2009):
 You do it by cutting off all contact with him unless it is an issue of your child.
Make him insignificant, other than to set up visitations with the child. But make sure you don't speak ill of him in the child's presence because every kid has the right to have access to both parents.
Easier said than done I know. But other than the bare minimum...delete him from your life.
Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (19 October 2009):
 First of all you need to give yourself time to heal. Unfortanly you do not have the option of cutting contact with him since you have a one year old child. Since you have a child with him this is going to be difficult but not immpossible. You know that if you get with him again the same thing will happen so do not get involved with him again. Do you have a plan for your child? Like child support and custody?
Get support from family and friends if you can.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (19 October 2009):
 You need clearly establish the parameters of the limited communication that you will have - only about your son. And you need to end conversations immediately when he does not hold up to this agreement. Other than that, you need to decide once and for all that he is YOUR PAST, and not your present or your future. Ever again. And stick to that notion, no matter what! That's about the only way to do it. Good luck!
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