A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi ALL, I need some help and advice please. I have just come out of an abusive relastionship as in he was messing me around, using me for sex, being unreliable, claiming we were just freinds, stringing me along, and generally being a nasty brute. It all started off so well, then he changed and showed his true coulours. I got weak and fell for him very quickly, asnd got emotionally inolved before knowing him properly, and because he was being so nice at the time - it was very easy, and now he is nice sometimes, and other times he is controlling, manipulative, and dommineering, and seems to get a kick out playing with my emotions. Anyway, my confidence is now completely shattered, and I am off work depressed, and still feel some attachment to him, and fear of losing him even though I know he's no good for me. It's like I have become dependent on him. I am seriously going through hell trying to stay away from this man, and over the last few months have called him, and he turns up for sex, and initmacy. I know now I can never see him again,. but am having good days and then really bad days, and am afraid that I am never going to be able to function properley again, as my nerves are in pieces, and I still can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Please can anyone advise me on how to get out of this pit of despair after having had an abusive relastionship? I am frightened I am going to lose everything, and sleep and drink most of the time. How do I heal? I have given it time, but feel sick and listless most days. It's like he has broken me into a million pieces. I have tried going out with freinds, but cannot seem to enjoy myself, and tried going out on dates, and hobbies, but I cannot focus on anything. Please help xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Sometimes You have to lose to WIN~Cut all contact with him immediately. Forgive yourself for enabling him. Forgive him, and accept that his ill-treatment of You is a blessing in disguise. And most importantly do not allow the disheartening experience take away your sincerely loving, giving, compassionate soul. ~
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 You need to just give yourself time to heal. He has completely shattered you as a person so now you have to rebuild yourself.
Cut all contact, and if he contacts you tell him you want nothing to do with him and keep it at this because he will only mess you up even more if that is possible.
Take small baby steps to start of with, get up in the morning take a warm shower and go for a long walk, make yourself get out of the house and eat your three healthy meals a day and drink plenty of water and get plenty of exercise this alone will make you feel better. Just get in to some sort of normal routine.
If you cant bare going out with your friends then invite them around the odd night for dinner this will give you something to focus on and let them be there for you if you need to cry or need a chat.
Dont go out on dates as it is way to soon and you will only mess up your head even more so for now dont even look at another man until you are happy within yourself.
Try and get back to work even if it is only part time it will give you something to focus on and will get you out of the house, as being in the house is unhealthy.
If you dont feel like taking up any hobbies then obviously you are not ready so dont rush yourself just take advantage of the support you have from family and friends.
If all of this fails then i guess the only other option that you have is to go and see your doctor about depression and ask to be put forward for therapy.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Some guys have learned that women are more addicted to drama and mind games than to consistent affection. This guy sounds like one of them. You didn't fall for him despite his behavior; you fell *because* of his behavior. It riggers the part of your brain that recognizes powerful, aloof, dominant men and craves them - all of those are traits that would have been evolutionarily advantageous. It's why he's still so much on your mind.
Unfortunately, that kind of behvaior leaves some pretty lasting scars. The only solution is cold turkey - force yourself to get rid of all the pictures, his phone number, gifts, everything. When you start thinking about him, start concentrating on something else - do math in your head or hum a tune. Keep trying even if it doesn't work at first. You're already on the right track with friends and hobbies.
After a while, you can start looking for a new, nicer guy. Be aware of the warning signs of this kind of behavior. But don't worry too much, the damage isn't permanent - this site gets tons of questions like this, and many of those women end up okay in the end. Best of luck to you.
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