A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice. I know this may at first sound like a joke question but it’s not. I’m worried I’ve turned in to my mother and I don’t like it one bit. I need help.First some background information. I’m 23 and I’m in a longer term relationship with my partner. We have a flat together. I run a business, and she works full time. My mum and Dad split up after a very volatile marriage when I was 12/13. My Dad was an alcoholic and my Mum was aggressive towards him. He never lifted a hand to her but she frequently punches, slapped, tried to hurt him etc. I love my Mum and I love my Dad. My Dad passed away about two years ago but I had remained close to him after the divorce and saw him frequently. I’d definitely say I was closer to him than my Mum, and I was always a Daddys girl.When I was little I was really scared of my mum. She has a very short temper and she snaps very quickly. There is no middle ground with her. She just flips. My Dad sometimes said to me when I was older, after the divorce, she suspected something like schizophrenia (which does run in the family on my Mothers side) or a form of bipolar. My mum never got medical help, even though my Dad had wanted her to during the marriage, and I wanted her to as I got older and began to recognise the difference between dealing with anger in a healthy way and just lashing out.When my Mum lashes out she smashes thing. She slams doors, she drinks, she takes it out on everyone else, even if they have had nothing to do with the original thing that happened. She also tends to polarise things. Things are either really bad or really good. Again, like her temper, there is no middle ground. I remember when I was little I used to have nightmares about my mum’s temper and rages. I still do. Nearly all of nightmares are about her getting angry about something and losing control. My Dad was strongly opposed to violence and even hitting children in discipline and never once raised a hand to me. On the two separate occasions my mother raised her hand to me in rage, he got very angry (though not violent) and it is one of the few occasions I can ever remember my Dad raising his voice at my mother. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Its came from partly growing up the way I did, surrounded by the relationship of my parents to each other and my Mums anger, and partly due to things that happened in my teenage years between myself and men, probably, ironically, as a result of my unhealthy view of what constituted a happy relationship.I’d like to think I have rebuilt my life and come out of my childhood a good person, all things considered. I’m not perfect and I have to occasionally take medication for my PTSD, but it is a rare occasion. I take the meds for panic attacks as I get anxious sometimes. I have a long term girlfriend (I’m gay) and we are happy together. Recently however, I am starting to recognise traits in myself I originally saw in my mother and I don’t like it.I’m not blaming my Mother for my own behaviour as I know I control my actions, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. I am however saying, I recognise where I may have perhaps learnt these behaviours. I want to stop. But I’m struggling. When I get angry, not even just at my partner but anything, I feel myself bubbling with anger. I want to punch people and smash things. If my partner and I are arguing, I launch myself at her. I don’t hit her, I just throw myself at her. I don’t know what my intentions are when I do this, I just know I’m angry and reacting physically seems to be the most natural thing to me. And I know it’s not right. But before I have time to tell myself not to do it, it’s already done. I’ve started breaking things. I kinda feel I don’t know any other ways to deal with anger. I smashed a glass vase the other night and the sound of hearing the glass break took me right back to my childhood. It was like for a split second I saw I had become my mother. How do I get myself out of this vicious circle? I’ve become my mother and I don’t want to be. It’s crept up on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Anon here again.I've got a question for you and I'd appreciate your help if you don't mind since you might be in a good position to help me out. I love my sister and would like to be close to her, but her temper really scares me. I think I've dealt with my father's temper in a different way than her; I tend to avoid conflict to a fault. I wish I were more self-confident. The last time I saw my sister and we fought she picked up on this and humiliated and taunted me in a rather vicious way about it. When she's angry she says incredibly hurtful things and then can't remember them.I haven't spoken to her in two years since the last incident. She's apologized since over email, but I feel like she's angry that I won't forgive her or something. I told her I forgive her, I just don't trust her. I just can't deal with her anger and verbal abuse. This doesn't seem to be enough for her.To tell you the truth, I'm terrified of contacting her. Any idea about how to make safe contact?Thanks.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): You're young, obviously intelligent, but most importantly, you're aware. I have a sister almost twice your age who's temper reminds me of my father's at his worst. I can see his patterns repeating themselves in her but she can't even though she can go on at length about how awful our dad was.I'd suggest cognitive behavior therapy...and if that doesn't sound like your thing or you can't afford it I'd suggest joining an anger management group. They're typically free and you can learn from other people struggling with the same problems.My sister has managed to push most of her siblings and a few girlfriends away with her temper. Worse than becoming your mother is the possibility that you lose your girlfriend and family because of these habits.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (21 August 2012):
If you have not always had this anger, you may want to see a medical doctor to have blood work done. Hormone imbalances (thyroid, estrogen, testosterone especially) can cause someone to experience episodes of sudden rage. My mother had an extreme form of hyperthyroidism (too much of some thyroid hormone) and for the year and a half she was undiagnosed she was the nastiest person to me. She would assume I was argumentative, she would say nasty things and smack me across the face if I tried to calmly provide her with my opinion. The violence and nastiness was completely uncharacteristic of her, but it ruined our relationship. 15 years later things still aren't right between us. Even though she hasn't acted that way since receiving treatment, I am afraid of her.So, if these rage-episodes are new, please please please see a doctor and have blood work done to check for a hormonal imbalance.Next, if you have had rage-episodes before it is possible that something has triggered them to happen again. Even if you haven't had them...if you are experiencing a lot of stress in your life, work, or relationships it is possible that stress has triggered them.If you have recently changed medications, quit or cut back on smoking or drinking these can be triggers for experiencing extreme emotions.If you haven't already, please speak with a counselor who is fakiliar with your PTSD and see if they can provide you with any insight into why you are having these experiences and what you can do to curb the aggressive imulses you have been experiencing.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 wow!what a dilema. You have the problem well diagnosed and that's 90% of the work. Now, you can alter your behavior in positive ways. Good work,girl. You are already on the road to recovery. et us know how it works out. oud of you.
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