A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi my wife wants to leave cause she says she dosen't luv me in the way she should only like a friend, she doesn't want to me married. We have been only married for 10 months, together for 6 years i'm 23 and she is 21. When i ask her what she wants she doesn't know why she lost her feelings. Her family and mine are both devestated. I don't no what to do i love her so much yet she still says she loves me. She has never been on her own she went from her parents supporting her to me supporting since i make dam good money like i give her whatever she wants. She says she wants to try but i don't know if she really does. Last time she wanted to leave about a month ago she went to the doctor and he said that she was depressed but she won't take her pills. When i mention that maybe she is depressed and she doesn't not know what she's losing she gets really mad at me. I luv her so much how do i get my wife to fall in luv with me again
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Hi, I am going through the same thing as you are. She says she loves me but is not "in love" with me. It really hurts and I have been trying to find out what it is I can do to make her happy enough to slowly fall back in love with me. She has left me a few times for a day or two and recently for about a week. Now she is back but doesn't seem to be giving me much attention or any attention to the problem. I first met her online when she was 17 and we met at 18 while I was in the military. She was 19 and I was 21 when we got married. Her feelings have been all over the place and I feel like I have held her back from living her youth and taking care of herself. She has been back for about 5 days now and still no real progress. I don't think she even wants to talk about it and if I start up a conversation, I think she will leave again. She hasn't worked for about 5 months now and I think she's driving herself crazy by not socializing with anyone. I love her so much and I want her to be happy. Now that she's back, I'm afraid to tell her that she should leave again because she may have come back too soon for her own sake. She needs to find herself and even with us living together and her being on her own while I'm at work during the day, I don't think that's enough time for her to be on her own to reminisce about the good times we had. When I come home, I feel like my presence is a constant reminder of the bad things that have happened in our life. I have never cheated but have had some issues with porn that I think have damaged her self-esteem. Why does she keep coming back? I don't know but I hope she figures out what she wants for herself because seeing her like this hurts me on top of the fact that I think our marriage will end soon. The good thing is that she isn't blaming me at the moment but anyone that doesnt want to hurt their partner would say that too. There's got to be some good reason why she keeps coming back but I've yet to see it and I feel the opposite like she just wants to be gone.
But I seriously feel your pain. I hope we can get some counseling or something before she decides that the marriage is not worth it when inside her she is just depressed about herself. I feel like we are a great couple, I just need to give her the time to find herself because if she doesn't, it will be like this forever and I just don't want that for her or myself. Just give her the time to figure things out. If she decides that she needs to be on her own then you need to respect that. I think the time apart will help heaps...through my experience it helps you and her reflect on what made you fall in love in the first place. It makes you think about the other person more and their feelings over your own. 5 days wasn't enough but god I think it made me learn a lot about myself. When you see eachother, that butterfly feeling will probably come back and that is what you need again. Date her and put all of your effort into making her happy but don't push/hurry her into what "you" want. I'd stay away from sex too (sad to say) if possible because it will help you base your new relationship on eachother's feelings other than sex. You'll know when it's time to make love again and when it happens, its like getting married all over again. Just don't throw in the towel when things are going good again. Keep her happy and do whatever it takes for her to stay in love with you at all costs and never make the mistakes you've made before.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): I am sorry to hear how heartbroken you are.Coming from the other side of things I can tell you I am married to a wonderful man. Who I do not love anymore. I have tried to leave him but he keeps wanting to try. I got married when I was 21 and am now 26. A lot of my problems are I got married and had kids and lost all social life. That said, I do not regret my children. From a females perspective who wants out but doesn't want to hurt him. Let her go. Do it nicley but let her go. Several of my girlfriends have been through this and now myself and my only feeling is if only it was mutual I could leave without hurting him. I know you don't feel that way but you should kindly let her leave. Maybe after she's been on her own she will come to understand how lucky she was and maybe she won't . its a risk. But you should respect how she feels. My husband keeps begging me to stay and crying and because it breaks my heart I stay. And I try. But I really want to just start anew.my best of luck to you. keep us posted as to how things turn out. I do hope she does wisen up and stay with you. Does she have any hobbies??? maybe you can get her into something so she feels needed. if she doesn't work maybe she should volunteer...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): I know what you are going through. My wife of three years, together for seven years (since we were both 18) recently told me that she is no longer in love with me or attracted to me, but still loves me. This devastated me since I love her more than anything.
Over the past two years we've had three miscarriages and it has deeply affected her. I think she is depressed about it (as am I) but she doesn't want to try counseling. I am afraid that her depression is the underlying cause, and she's even admitted that it could be the reason.
I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to lose my marriage and I want my wife to be happy, I just don't know how to fix it. I sincerely hope things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): hi i am kind of going throw the same thing me and my wife has been married for 12 years this may i f up no i did not cheat but i said some thing i should not said to her best friend and when she is late comeing back from the club with her friends i get realy mad and yell i fill she is cheating but i do not know she said she want to leave and take are 5 babies with her and she tells me she loves me but not in love with me i know it hurt so i fill for you man but i fill if meand her can work it out then you to can do the best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I am going through a similar thing right now. My wife says that she isn't inlove with me anymore and she moved out about three weeks ago. When she first left me I didn't know what to do.Later I found out that she had cheatsd on me a few months before she left and then a few days after she left. She said she did it because I wasn't there for her emotionally and that I treated her badly,and to my suprise she was right! I had no idea what I was doing untill my world came crashing down around me. Well, we have been talking and she still isn't inlove with me but she is going to move back here and try to work things out and try to get our love back to what it once was when we go married five years ago. There is always still hope you just have to want it bad enough and put in more work than you have done in all your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes? If she made a commitment to you at 15 years of age, she was just starting the tumultuous developmental phase of adolescence and is now in the even more tumultuous phase of early adulthood. Her depression could be a result of feeling unfulfilled by her life now; medication will cause her feelings to be muted to a point that she will be able to weather anything, but is that what you want for you and her, for her to be numbed out so that she can 'endure' the rest of her life with you? Believe her when she says she loves you, but believe her also when she says she's not in passionate love with you. You probably know the difference between these two kinds of love, and can probably understand how 'wrong' it would feel to make a lifetime commitment to a romantic partner for whom you don't feel the latter variety. You're 23 now, so think back to the person you were at 21, your aspirations, the beliefs you held, the values you had, and if you're a healthy, dynamic human being, you should find that a lot of those things have changed or deepened or taken on new meanings, etc. If you looked back even further, perhaps to when you started dating your wife, you would likely find some or all of these things to be drastically different. I realize the end of this marriage would be a tragic event for you, and you have my deepest sympathies, but asking her to keep her life the same when she is struggling with depression will surely end in a worse tragedy. It sounds like she is growing up, changing, and it sucks, but she might need to move on to another phase in her life that doesn't include being married to you. You have no control over what she does, but you can move forward with both your well-beings in mind. Have you thought about seeking therapy? It is often quite helpful at a time such as this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007): first off I know how she feels, depression has this awful way of numbing your emotions,and sometimes your in a complete state of just confusion about everything, my depression exploded out of know where and lasted for about 5 months without any medication. And i too felt like i was not inlove,i was devestated and confused by my feelings, but i stuck it out, i knew that depression made people feel different and i decided to not do what i felt was right, but too do what i know was right, and i stayed with my boyfriend and i got better.
On another note try and do the kinds of activities that you did when you first fell inlove, maybe rent that first movie that you saw togeather, have dinner at that same resturant where you got ingaged, take a walk around the same lake where you first said "i love you" ect..... and just keep in mind if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. i wish you the absolute best
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A
female
reader, floraltemptaions +, writes (27 April 2007):
Ever think that she may feel like she "missed out" on her teenage years.. If you have dated since she was 15, she probably didnt' get to experience "the good the bad & the ugly" to know how lucky she really is now. Give her some time to figure out what she needs/wants. Also, you mention her never being on her own & you supporting her.... maybe she just hates feeling dependant, and wants to make it on her own. Ask her if she wants to go to school, or get a career...? Maybe she feels inferior to you since you are not a "team" both giving to the household. Anyway, hope this helps... and.... make sure she has her stuff figured out before you decide to have children!!! They truely only complicate life more, even though they are the best things in the world!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): What about a second honeymoon ? take her somewhere that she will love to be. take some time off work if you can and just spend quality time with each other. Wine and dine her act as if you both were courting again. Ask her to open up to you , tell you whats bugging her.
Don't know if this second advice is good, but maybe you two need some time away from each other. Sometimes seperation can make you miss each other a whole lot. try plan one first and then discuss plan b with her. I hope that things work out for you both and that you have a very happy married life together.
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