A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, thanks in advance for your answersMe and my boyfriend have lived together for a year (with his mum, in her flat). And now we have moved into our own flat just 4 weeks ago. Basically the problem is he is chronically lazy! He refuses to do ANYthing around the house. We had the same problem at his mums but I just left them to argue and didn't get involved. Now that we're living away from her he just expects me to do everything. It's not just leaving things untidy I feel it is getting unhygenic, he leaves his pots and plates for days and wont wash up (I rarely eat in or use plates) and he wees in the bathroom or kitchin sink. He leaves his dirty (and smelly!) clothes lying about ALL over the flat and I am getting sick of it. I have talked about this with him many many times with no use. Sometimes he even gets angry and swears at me over this if I ask him to pull his weight. He never acts like this over anything else but I can't live in such a disgusting environment I think this could break us up. PLEASE what should I do? We have signed a 6 month tenanacy so I need a way to resolve this situation! Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 I am pessimistic in this case, I think it's a lost battle.
All the Aunts and Uncles who say " just don't clean after him anymore , if you stop taking care of him he'll have to do things by himself " are only right in theory- it's a method that works with your normal, average lazy slob.
But your bf ( sorry but it's the truth ) seems to belong to such a special category of filthy pigs, that he won't even notice. He pees in the kitchen sink ?! Why, is he too lazy even to lift up the toilet cover ?...
That's the kind of person that will let his smelly underwear pile up on the floor to towering heights. And when he's totally out of underwear , socks, etc... he'll go out and buy new ones rather than , for once, doing his laundry .
If you really can't get out of this lease, like finding him a new roomie ( but, where would you find anybody willing to live in this way ? ) , I am afraid you'll just have to grin and bear for 6 more months. After which, you can go live in a more civilized environment. Don't forget to get yourself fumigated , though, in 6 months you may have caught fleas .
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 Urinating in the kitchen sink? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!
Ok, here is what I would do. Dump him and move out. There is no way in Hades I would want to be with someone so void of hygiene.
But since I'm sure you love the fella and don't want to leave, I would STOP picking up his clothes ( unless you pick it up and put it in ONE big pile - because EVENTUALLY he will run out of clean clothes and MAYBE that will get him off his arse and do some laundry.)
As for the dirty plates. Well I say pack up the china/porcelain/stoneware (whatever type plates you guys have) and go buy paper plates and plastic cutlery.
I would also sit him down and make a CHORE list and split it in two. If you are nice you can let HIM have "first picks" if you are not, you can just do a coin-toss.
And if nothing improves in the next 6 months.... I would move out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): my husband used to be like your bf. I finally just stopped talking about it and simply no longer cleaned up his messes, only my own. I stopped asking him to do his share, so basically for a long time he was very happy because he could be as messy as he wanted and I was very miserable because I was living in filth. But I made the decision that I would rather live in filth than lower myself to be his maid. I also decided that if I got tired enough of it I would leave the relationship and move out. I didn't voice this to him though because that would sound like a threat, and I dont' believe in making threats, only in swiftly enacting the decision when you have crossed your threshold.I cooked only for myself, and I cleaned only what I used. I even separated the dishes and silverware and pots and pans so that I had "my" stash that was separate from his. I did only my own laundry. I did not clean up messes he made, only my own stuff.gradually, over a period of several years, he got better at being cleaner. If he wanted to wear a clean shirt he had to do his own laundry because I wasn't doing it for him. So after years of being late for work because he didn't have a clean shirt, he learned to do laundry on time. If he wanted to eat dinner he had to cook his own meal, and to even do that he would have to wash up his dirty dishes and stuff to use to cook. So over a few years that taught him to take care of dirty dishes promptly. I let him suffer the consequences of his messiness like when he can't find his wallet or keys because it's buried under piles of his stuff. He is still not as nearly neat and tidy as I would like, it is still the case that 90% of the clutter and mess in our house is made by him and I still wish it wasn't there. But I do not clean it up and it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. There are also sections of the house that are "mine" where he is not to put any of his stuff or touch anything (like my home office for example), and sections that are "his" where I don't care however messy he makes it (like the garage). Yes I have learned to live with the mess and he has improved enough to where the constant mess in our house is at a level that is tolerable to me. And because I so rarely ever ask him to do anything in the way of cleaning, when I DO ask him, he doesn't get upset and actually will do it. Just that I can't do this on a frequent basis. So I guess you can say we have both compromised to find middle ground - he has learned to put more effort into cleaning up his messes and clutter, and I have learned to tolerate a certain level of messiness. I will never have as clean a house as I want (unless I do all the work) but that's a sacrifice I have to make for my marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): OP correct me if I'm wrong but all you're doing is talking, I have a feeling just like his mother you'd rather clean all that stuff up rather than live in filth. Well he has no reason to do it then.
It's simple you have to act. Don't clean anymore, wash your own clothes and not his, don't wash the dishes start eating salads, have meals at your parents place and just don't share with meals with him anymore. Pick up all his dirty clothes and dump them in the hallway by the front door. Seriously, every time you find a piece of dirty clothing belonging to him on the floor dump them right beside the front door or other place that will annoy him. He will have no logical argument against you doing that because he doesn't put them away. Never back down from this, do it every single time you find something and don't leave this open for discussion or debate. You asked him, he still does it now there will be a physical consequence.
You can't and won't cook dinner for someone who won't even clean the pots. Simple as that, if he wants dinner then he'll have to make it himself by first cleaning the pots.
All you're doing is talking, all his own mother every did is talk and "nag", he's used to it, to him it's far easier to have an argument or talk than it is to actually change his habits. So just make his habits equally as intolerable for him and don't give in on it and he'll probably get his ass in gear. Talk is cheap OP. There has to be some kind of reward/punishment for him here.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 If money is tight you need to put up with it for another 5 months.
Continue to eat out as much as you can, buy a few plastic basins that you store in your car when you are not home, these are for you to use to wash your face and your dishes. Also save your cup, plate, knife fork etc in one of the basins, this is to avoid using the same utensils as him. While it is unlikely you will catch any nasty diseases living in the same flat as him why take chances. Draw up a little diagram with a square for each day until you can leave. Cross them off each day. No need to explain to this dunce what it is all about, but a few weeks before the lease is up start shifting your stuff to a safe place and when crunch day comes move on out and on with your life.
He is not going to change any time soon, read the link that was posted by 'person'. Its the first time I have read it but it wont be the last!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): AS long as he takes the dishes out first, I don't see a problem with him pissing in the sink.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 May 2012):
 He pees in the kitchen sink?! That's utterly disgusting.
http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/polhousework.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): I don't think he's ready to live independently, the signs were there because he argued with his mum buy obviously you had hope in him! Some men think their partners will look after them like their mum but I think it's pathetic. If I were you I would tell him unless he does 50% of the housework once the 6month tenancy is up you will be moving elsewhere. It might work to kick him into gear but sadly some men are like this their whole lives, their partners are partly to blame because the give in and tidy everything around them but don't give in!!
If he's shouting at you that's totally unreasonable he just sounds too immature to handle the real responsibilities of looking after a house.
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