A
female
age
51-59,
*race89
writes:I have scared my husband away from giving me compliments because as he says he would give one and i would question his answer or get upset cause it wasn't what i wanted to hear. i guess i did do that and i guess i did it for a long time. Long enough to make it that he will not compliment me unless i ask and even then it depends. he dose give his friends that are girls compliments and it hurts. Plus i have no idea how he feels about me anymore. He dose say he loves me and some of his actions say he loves me but the other actions make me feel like he doesn't care what happens to me or concerned when i get hurt or sees what i do for him and the kids and the house. if i ask he says it is a loaded and unsafe question. He needs and likes and wants me to give him encouragement,pats on the back and positive reinforcement along with compliments and loving actions to help him feel i love and respect him but if i ask for the same thing he says i am needy and insecure and he is not going to fill my ego and do things i need to do for myself. It is getting hard to keep doing it cause i get nothing in return. Don't get me wrong i am a loving person and and i love him and will do what he needs to help him and support him but at the same time it would be nice to hear some sort of encouragement or positive feed back with out asking or prompting. If i say "i know how tired you get taking the kids to school cause i do it all the time" his response is "well then you can go to work for me" or other little things like if i ask for help he asks if he can do it later or asks the kids to do it and i can't do it my self cause there were time i couldn't walk or if i hurt my self i have to drive myself to the hospital. is it wrong for me to want a compliment here and there and want him to show some appreciation? did i push him to far away in that area that it will take a long time to get to the point of complimenting or will i always go with out it and acknowledging what i do? I will say that it hasn't been that long since i have been trying to treat him as a friend and not be controlling and let him be him and not ask waht he calls" loaded unfair questions" but i tell him i am getting better and how can he tell if i am getting better with compliments if he doesn't try to say them. Plus it is ok for him to need and want it but i am being insecure and it is not ok for me to need and want it. Can someone explain this to me? I am confused and having a hard time feeling appreciated and feel like my love bank is lowering and is getting harder to give. I will keep giving but it hurts. How do i get him to make compliments again? will he ever? am i going to live the rest of my life not knowing and hearing and feeling?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): It sounds like you've really hurt your husband very deeply, you have really done a lot of damage to your relationship. You have to realize that it will take a long long time before someone can learn to trust you again. It may take YEARS, depending on how badly you had hurt him and for how long.I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. For however long you had been hurting him with your words, expect it to take roughly as long if not longer during which time you NO LONGER do that at all, before he'll be able to feel 'safe' emotionally around you again. Thus if you've been treating him badly for 10 years, expect it to take 10 years where you're on your best behavior the whole time before he can feel differently about you. During that time if you revert back to old behavior, you're basically re-setting the clock.If you can't live with that, then I'm afraid you just have to accept that treating your spouse badly has long term consequences and it's up to you to live with them or to end the marriage and start with a clean slate with someone new whom you have not hurt and caused baggage to.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 The thing about rejection, it's like kicking a dog, a dog will love you and take lots of kicks, but eventually it gets frightened and won't come near you again. How do you show the dog that you are now friendly and won't kick it again. It's a question of trust, once it's broken it's hard to get it back. Your husband gave you compliments, for a long time you threw them back in his face, now he has learned to keep his mouth shut and not tell you this nice things that make you uncomfortable. He is not a puppet, you can't say stop that today, and then say it's ok, please change back tomorrow.
Tish is right, counselling might help you both get right back on track. Or could you try telling him what you told us about the compliments. Tell him your sorry and you so miss the husband you once had, and you wish you had been braver and cleverer back then and not so insecure. Tell him how hard your working to change and how desperately you need these kind words again. You say he tells you he loves you, well you are getting words of love, but you want more.... sigh, then tell him, but at the moment, it seems your underestimating how important "I Love You" is.. compliments can be given to anyone, he gives them to his friends, but "I love you" is special, but again you seem to be ignoring it.
The second issue, you doing all the housework and getting no help, that's a completely different thing. So is you driving yourself to the hospital when you are ill.
" "i know how tired you get taking the kids to school cause i do it all the time"... this is a negative statement, your not giving him a compliment, it's actually a form of criticism, so you get a negative answer back. The way to handle a man who won't help at home, is to see if you can find some space in his schedule and get him to agree to take on one task regularly. Like look after the kids on Saturday while you go visit a friend. A mother's job is 24 hours, while outside employment has an end. He probably believes he deserves some free time, he does, but so do you. If you were to leave he would soon see how much housework you do. No need to be so dramatic, just ask for some help and some time off and set a certain day to be out of the house for a couple of hours.
The hospital thing is just mean. If he's not concerned when your physically hurt, then "I love you" means nothing. Remind him that love means caring about a woman's injuries. If his kids was sick, or his dog was hurt, he'd care about them soon enough.
Your marriage is in very bad shape, both of you have made very big mistakes. Please get to a counsellor, or if you can't, get your family or friends involved to be impartial referees and help you two to see how badly you hurt each other, it can't go on this way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Wow, this question really points to the need for the two of you to go into couples counseling. There are years of resentments built up here to deal with and it sounds as though neither of you have the communication tools to work through them constructively.
Please contact a counselor and get an appointment. Go even if your husband does not.
And to answer your question, it is not wrong for you to want a compliment from time to time. Why he feels unsafe in doing so is what needs to be explored, with a professional who is trained to help couples like you.
Go take those positive steps to heal the rift now, okay? Good luck.
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