A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband of soon 4yrs is no longer affectionate towards me. I tried talking to him about it and he says I'm annoying that I always want attention! when we dated he always wanted to be with me held my hand everywhere, why would I think he would change? He says I ask everyday if I he loves me but if he would show me affection I wouldn't question him. He is a great father and provider I just wish he would work on the lover part of marriage. I tried to ask him to go to counseling he said its a waist of money! Help what do I do?
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 I like the last reply. Affection goes hand in hand with friendship, trust etc. You may have to build on other weak parts of your marriage in order for this problem to improve, as well.
A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (19 February 2010):
 In some ways, counseling is a waste of money. You fork over hundreds of dollars to be told things that both of you already know deep down.
Sometimes love fades. I'm not saying that he no longer loves you, he is just having a hard time showing it for some reason or another. Have either of you ever cheated? Been caught up in a big lie? Did something to cause one of you to not trust each other as much?
Perhaps he has a guilty conscience?
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (19 February 2010):
It happens to many couples, life gets in the way and the routine and you start taking each other for granted. A quick peck on the lips before you go to work, then you forget to do even that and it soon becomes a habit. You are going to have to know how to approach him about this more effectively and without having to cry out each day. Why don't you try to calmly express how you feel to him, and hopefully the next day you can actually apply what you have discussed the day before, and not again have to have a common refrain fall on deaf ears. Maybe you are not choosing your best words to open his eyes to your need of attention? If he refuses to go to counselling, you can agree to try and solve your problems by yourselves for now before you resort to a specialist. Right now it seems your words have no effect on him and it could be because is unable to see how important this is for you. Maybe he also needs to be shown, so how does he react to your gestures of affection? Now, we tend to take people less seriously when we already know what they are going to say and when they say it every day. So the fact that you ask him every day if he loves you is definitely too much. Some phrases do become a bit jejune to always hear them so come up with a new strategy. Start being a bit more independent as well. Tell him that while he may not sense any problems, your thermometer is reading a few. But unlike before, you realise complaining (from either side) doesn't help you or him and you realise a new and changed attitude is needed toward your problems. So if he makes an effort to meet some of your needs that ultimately show that you care about him and need to be cared for in return (in ways you can discuss and both agree with), you will also make an effort to make things better for him (ask him about his needs). You understand that it is hard for him to constantly reassure you, so you will become more confident and surer of his love and you hope he will appreciate it and maybe show this to you. Praise him more often as well. Make him feel good about himself. All the above mentioned is an example of another approach you can take. The noticing how your marriage improves can also be part of the deal. Make it sound like you could have fun in the process and that it's not just another job 'to get done'. Go out on 'dates' when you can, when it's possible to leave the child in someone's good care perhaps. Be imaginative and be more confident. I don't agree with all points, but I like most, I've found you a nice article here: http://www.romanceinmarriage.org/lh_affection.htmlIt says something about "rewarding his attempts", among other points. It doesn't always work so easily as: I say "good boy!" so give me more of what I need, though. Maybe he has needs that are being unmet too? Are you paying attention to those? If he's back after a bad day at work do you expect him to shower you with nice gestures or do you act more understanding and provide a listening ear to him? Just an example.
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