A
male
age
30-35,
*ayall
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 1 year. Since the start of our relationship, we haven't had sex. I don't see it as a problem but it has crossed my mind why we haven't took the next step. So recently I sat down with her and as subtly possible brought up the subject. I found out why she hadn't talked about it: She was sexually abused in her childhood. It was ongoing, for 4 years. In depth, I am her first boyfriend. She later went on to tell me that she views her sexuality as a bad thing and has punished herself by not allowing herself to be in a intimate relationship because she doesn't trust men. When I touch her, like caressing her shoulder or stroke her back, neck, waist; she gets tense. I know that she trusts me, I think it's a matter of getting her to allow herself to relax. I have never known anyone who was sexually abused so I don't know how to go about on this. I know I could never erase the pain of what she's been through. I just want her to know that she's safe with me. How do I get my girlfriend to view her sexuality positively instead of negatively? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I would still encourage her to go for therapy. If it's going to interfere with her relationships, she's not able to deal with it by herself. I figured she hadn't been through therapy as you wouldn't be here posting this if she had managed to work through it.
I do wish her well and I hope she gets the help she needs. You sound like a very caring guy, perhaps you could do some more research with professionals in this field so you don't wind up getting angry with her as time goes by and she isn't getting 'better.' Best wishes.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Exactly, and I hope it works for you. I've helped people through similar things and this has worked for me in the past. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, rayall +, writes (23 October 2010):
rayall is verified as being by the original poster of the question @Tisha-1 & lacrymosa_652:
She has spoken to a social worker and a therapist, but she's never gone to many sessions because she feels overwhelmed by talking about it. She's said that she knows that she'll never be hurt again, but at the same time feels that some part of ownership/control that she once had was taken away. Like she feels guilty when she feels good (sexually).
@dirtball:
I'm going to try your method. Actually it was my first thought, I just didn't know if it was the best route to go. It's basically a step-by-step form of Aversion therapy.
@loulou95:
thank you. I am trying my best to make her as comfortable as possible.
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A
female
reader, loulou95 +, writes (22 October 2010):
first i wanna say that you sound like a really good guy and just keep telling her that you dont want to make her uncomforatble and you empathize with her. also make sure to tell her she is beautiful as much as u can not "HOT". and when shes ready be very gentel
good luck
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 October 2010):
The others gave great advice. From a guy's perspective you just need to be supportive and not rush anything. You sound like you've been doing that well and excellent job for being a great guy.
As far as some of her behaviors, you can help her with this but it will take time. Aside from counceling, which she definitely needs, you can aid her comfort around men. You said she tenses up when you touch her in a loving way. That's a natural reaction for someone who has been through what she has, but it isn't normal. Ease in to the touching. When you're together you should try to touch her regularly. I'm not saying always be all over her. I'm saying, when you're sitting next to eachother, hold her hand. When she gets comfortable with that, then try putting your arm around her. Slowly help her get comfortable with your touch. If she gets tense, or uncomfortable, then back off. Hopefully, by doing this, you'll be able to get her used to a normal loving touch. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2010):
Has your girlfriend been to counseling? I think that would be best for her to start the healing process. If she is still punishing HERSELF for the abuse she suffered, she has not done the work needed to heal.
I don't know why abuse victims resist counseling and healing steps; perhaps it is because they fear having to relive their awful memories. There are some I know who then wind up picking men who abuse them again, maybe because that is how they think they deserve to be treated. I don't know.
You sound like a gentle, loving and caring man. I think your best bet would be to encourage her to go get professional counseling and support her in that. I don't know enough about it to tell you how to help her yourself. Perhaps you could contact the women's rape/abuse center nearest you and ask what your best option would be. Maybe even find her a counselor to start the process.
Don't be surprised if she resists the process. Whatever you do, don't get angry at her for her struggle. It's a terrible place to be, I think.
Good luck, and I hope she accepts the help she needs.
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A
female
reader, lacrymosa_652  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 This was a traumatic experience for her [as it would be for anyone], and I greatly sympathise with her. I would suggest she seeks some form of counselling, as her past experiences are affecting her present life, as she feels the need to punish herself and finds it hard to trust men.
It's an issue that may be hard for you to approach, which is why I suggest she seeks professional help i.e. counselling, because it's better for someone who is trained to deal with issues like this to help her. Gently suggest to her that she seeks counselling, and be supportive and tell her you're there for her, and you'll go to her counselling sessions with her if she needs you [that's if you want to].
Good luck to you both.
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