A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,My girlfriend and I have a good relationship and have been dating for about a year and a half. However, things in the bedroom have taken a turn for the worse. Saying that things have fallen flat would be an understatement. We rarely have sex anymore. My best guess is about once every three months. When we do have sex, it is very one sided. I have not climaxed from an intimate experience with her in about 8 months. This is not due to a lack of attraction, nor to any anatomical problem, but to her lack of effort. We partake in foreplay and oral, but it is always me giving and never receiving. She hardly ever touches my penis during intimate sessions, only sometimes with her foot. When we have sex, I feel like I am the only one doing anything. Once she feels fully satisfied, she tells me she is done and either rolls over to watch tv or to fall asleep, leaving me without any climax. We have talked about the lack of sex in the relationship, and I completely understand why she is hesitant about it. However, when we get intimate in other ways, it is always me giving pleasure without receiving any in return. Its been well over a year since I have received a handjob or any oral sex. To add insult to injury, she talks about previous sex partners that I did not know about, and I cant help but be curious if she was more generous to them than she is to me. How can I approach this issue with her without making her feel offended? How can I get her to be less selfish in bed? I love this girl, and we are so compatible is every other aspect of life. I want our sex to be love making with mutual pleasure, not one sided orgasms.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Two plus two does not quite make four here... I am not saying she is consciously telling you lies in order to avoid being intimate with you , it may be that this is the way she rationalizes why she is not into sex with you. Sex is often a metaphor for something else, and the arena where we act out conflicts and insatisfactions of non sexual nature in our r/ships. But she might be unhappy with things between you at some other deper level.
She DID lose a child then, and she might have taken it hard. But that happened before you even dated !, and for the first 10 months or so, you say, this did not affect your sex life at all. If her sister's pregnancy has brought up feelings of loss and made her think about what could have been, ... I am not sure that this would have necessarily made her cool off toward you. I mean, traumatic memories induce a depressive mood , often, where we lose interest in physical pleasure ,... but apparently she only lost interest in pleasuring YOU, not in being pleasured herself.
Anyway :- perhaps you have been TOO understanding and accomodating with your partner ( and I seldom say that to a male poster :) ). Your Gf seems not to realize or to care that, if she has an intimacy problem, that's a couple problem, and she has to do her part to solve the problem, not just to dump it on you because from her point of view she is doing just fine. . No couple can last forever without physical closeness and intimacy, and if she is not able to provide that right now, she needs to work on it because she is not single anymore, she is part of a COUPLE, what she does or omits to do affects you both, she should care about that and if she does not , she'd just better stay single.
How do you make her understand that ...? You tell her, clear and simple. This is not offensive or confrontational, this is logic 101. Elementary couple maintenance 101. You have an intimacy problem, you have cooperated by being patient, supportive and undemanding, - now she needs to dcooperate too by doing something to feel better and get back her old sexual self.
For instance ? For instance, understanding where's the real problem ,if she is afraid that she might get pregnant again, and relive the trauma, well, you just need to be extra careful and use double contracception , the pill plus condoms, to be as safe as humanly possible.
If it's just about memories and longings brought up by her sister's pregnancy, she may want to try counselling. Or just to find a safe venue ( a hotline, a close female family memeber, a trusted friend ) with whom she can vent and give expression to all those bottled up feelings. You could try couple therapy, - maybe she could see a sexuoligist, or just she could see a shrink to assess if she is depressed , which so often zaps your libido.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won't - maybe it will take time to go back to her old self ( and you will keep being patient and non pressuring in the meantime ) , but in front of such an intimacy problem for the couple, she has ro do her share, she HAS to make an attempt. If she refuses doing that, and makes of this intimacy problem , not " OUR problem " but just the OP's problem, ... she is either too selfish / thick skinned to be a good partner, regardless of her other qualities- or, she is making excuses and staying in a relationship where she's lost any spark or attraction, because of convenience and lazyness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): You're screwed, and not in a good way. I've been in a relationship like this for 22 years and it's NEVER gotten better. Do yourself a HUGE favor and leave now while you're still young enough to find someone who will really love YOU!!! Believe me, it's not worth the heartache and misery that will lag on for years to come!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): She was much more generous with her past sexual lovers than you = it's time to walk.
You need a woman who respects you. She does not. She may love you plenty but that isn't the same thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): Maybe wait to bring it up more when she's settled into being an auntie (if you can wait that long without being more frustrated), then bring it up - or just bring it up now and say that you are trying to understand what she's struggling with, but pleasure goes both ways.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): I am the poster of this question. For those of you who asked, she suddenly became hesitant about sex because she has previously lost a child during pregnancy before we started dating. At the moment her sister is pregnant and she is thinking about what could have been. However, she said we can still be intimate with other things like oral sex, yet I seem to be the only one giving any pleasure while receiving none. And when sex does happen, I am left feeling unsatisfied.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 June 2014):
 She sounds a bit immature in love-making. Why not just buy her "The Joy of Sex" and let her read about how people do it with abandon with the only "goal" being to please your partner. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2014):
 Print out this submittal... show it to her... and ask how she feels about it....
You may also include my reply..... which reply is that, if two people cannot figure out where/when/how they are (or can be) sexually compatible... then they are in a "relationship" that is doomed.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2014):
Yeah I am curious too to know WHY she is hesitant and ,beside personal curiosity , that would allow us to answer something sensible.
It would be different if she is hesitant because she has some OB/GYN affliction which is healing slowly , say, so she feels pain during intercourse . Or if ( hopefully not ) she got raped and could not yet get over the trauma. Or even if she caught you cheating, decided to forgive you, and now her mind says : yes, all is ok again, but her body says : heck no, I can't do that... all this would be very different from her having just decided she can't bother with you / can't stand you anymore , so doing as least as possible sexually ( then again, I doubt you'd be completly understanding and tolerant of the status quo in this case ).
Another thing, you say that the present situation dates back to about 8 months ago, but you have been dating 18 months and before things used to be different. You had more sex and it was not one sided. We can't blame things just an unfortunate total lack of chemistry, or on you having chosen a girl with religious hang ups, etc. It all worked fine until 8 months ago, so the logical question is : then, what happened ? Did you have some massive row, did you hit her ? did she get sick, get depressed? has she lost a parent , a child ?.. or met someone else and fallen in love ?...
If she has good reasons for being off sex, and you are totally understanding of these reasons, well, then you would not have too much of a problem, you'd just have to be patient and supportive while you work together at removing the causes of her sexual anorexia ( and selfishness ). So, if you'd care to share the rest of the story, that would be helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): "I completely understand why she is hesitant about it"
Care to fill us in on her excuse then, OP?
I mean you say you completely understand so what's the issue?
Oh and if you can't talk to the person you're sleeping with about sex then you're probably with the wrong person.
I mean think about it, OP, you're fucking this woman yet you can't discuss fucking her with her? That doesn't make sense.
Anyway tell us her excuses for this so we can better advise you on how to approach it.
She's not hesitant, OP, she's either being selfish or she has no libido, or maybe she's just not that into you anymore which also a possibility, I mean she loves to regale you with tales of her sexual past. Sounds like she misses that past and that's not good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): I think this sounds like a copy of what women write here because it usually takes them longer to climax.
That said, if this is genuine, you need to have a serious conversation about it with her because it's not fair to you to do everything. By the sound of it though, you're looking at a break up because she doesn't seem to want to do anything for your pleasure.
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