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male
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*upersonic
writes: My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. she broke up with me because i can sometimes be a little jealous and paranoid. This sounds quite normal, but we live next door to each other in halls of residence at university. we have been together since starting university in october, and we spent nearly all of our time together. there is a summer break coming up, then we're moving into a house together in september. does anyone have any advice? what should i do whilst living with her, and during the summer break? i made all the classic mistakes during the first few days after the break up (telling her i love her, crying, saying i can change etc). the last couple of weeks have been a bit better, although sometimes she's really friendly and other times she's really cold.she told a mutual friend that she's still in love with me but doesn't know whether to take the risk again.what should i do in order for her to maybe become attracted to me again?any help would be greatthanks
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reader, supersonic +, writes (20 May 2006):
supersonic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks bev, your advice is great, but i've been trying to give her space, believe me. but as we have the same group of friends, it's pretty much impossible to completely leave her alone while i'm here with her. i can't leave early because i have exams, and also, i don't see why i should.
i've given her very limited contact over the last couple of weeks, we've only had one private conversation, about normal things, not the relationship, and she looked really happy. i thought it went really well, but the next day she says she annoyed with me.
i can't help thinking she's messing with me on purpose. for example, just this morning we bump into each other, she smiles at me and says 'i like you in that top'. that's an example of her being warm and back to the way it was.
yesterday, she looks really p***ed off, barely says two words to me, and spends all evening away with a friend. that's an example of her being cold.
there have been many warm and cold situations in the last couple of weeks, and i haven't initiated any of them. my presence sometimes makes her happy, sometimes makes her upset. i'm civil, i act happy, back to the me that she loves, and the side of myself that i like. i've done nothing wrong in the last couple of weeks.
it really upsets me how i'm constantly treading on eggshells. she seems like a totally different person sometimes, it does my head in.
i know that some things i said when we were together were stupid, and i've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching, and i honestly believe i can stop saying such ridiculous things, whether it be with her, or in another relationship.
what do you think she's doing? is she still just very confused, or is she giving me mixed signals on purpose?
i hope someone can give me some advice.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 My suggestion is that you DON'T share a house with your ex. Find another place to live, and don't torture yourself. Your ex girlfriend is unlikely to be attracted to a jealous, paranoid, desperate limpet, and your hanging around endlessly is turning you into that very thing.
Reading between the lines of your letter, it sounds like you think that sharing a place with her is a stepping stone to getting back together, and it isn't... at least, it isn't likely.
The fact that you seem unable to accept NO as an answer is going to wear very thin in the first days, weeks and months in a shared house. Can you imagine how "jealous and paranoid" you're going to feel when you see her having a life of her own, going out with other guys and staying out late? Do you really want to subject yourself to that? Is it fair to to her to be watching her every gesture and hiccup, expecting it to be about reuniting? (The answer to both questions is: No.)
You need to be firm with yourself and recognise that the two of you have broken up. She's not sure whether she wants to take another chance with you right now, because you've clearly let her down at some point in your past. Repeat these words until you start to understand them (which you're not doing at the moment).
Your ex knows how to get in touch if she wants to, right? So leave her to it, and go have your own life, accepting that at this point in time you're NOT TOGETHER and that moving into a house with her is going to be a big mistake that will ultimately make you _more_ unhappy, not less.
Visit with your friends, join some clubs, chat online with other girls, enjoy the great outdoors... whatever. Mainly, give your ex some space and give yourself time to get over a broken relationship.
The future is not yet sealed, but it's much less likely to involve your ex if you're dogging her steps and hogging her field of vision every 15 seconds.
Give her space, give her space, give her space!
P.S. Give her space!
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