A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I live by myself and he still lives with his mom. He comes and stays from Fri-Sun/Mon. Before he comes over, i usually give the house a bit of a clean if it is messy. WHen he leaves, it is like a bomb that has gone off. I can't seem to get it through to him, no matter how many times i ask or tell him he just does not get it. He wont clean up after himself.I've found rotting food under the bed that he's left there when he's had a snack in the middle of the night. His dirty underwear all over the bathroom that guests would use (when i tell him this, he just sarcastically asks who would be coming to see me, like i have something to hide). He leaves his dirty plates everywhere and if he gets sick of the nagging he will put them beside the sink but never wash them. If he cooks dinner, he thinks i should clean up (yet when i cook, he wont clean up!). If the rubbish bin is full, he will keep putting rubbish on top, piling it up until it overflows. I could go on and on. This has been going on for a long time and i've tried telling him but he just laughs. I've been told that because he lives with his mom, he is used to her doing everything for him.How can i get him to understand? He is 31. It honestly feels like i am looking after a child. We have been talking about him moving in with me, but i can not live like this if it continues.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Thank you.
I will try SVC suggestion! I literally am still cleaning up after he left!
Most people would never ever think he is this way. He has a very professional career where he wears a suit all day and looks very immaculate. His mother would do a lot for him and i think she would be surprised at how he acts here. I am not acting like his maid (well not intentionally). Some times the house gets so messy i just have to clean it up. i usuallly spend a few hours cleaning after he leaves. I have in the past thought that he doesn't seem to have any respect for my house with the way he treats it. I know everyone can be lazy sometimes, and sometimes i get the house in a mess but its mine and i am the only one living here so only i have to deal with it.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 October 2012):
 First read this:
http://www.uic.edu/orgs/cwluherstory/CWLUArchive/polhousework.html
Then have him read it. He's being childish and sexist. Mommy cleans, you (woman) clean, he gets to lounge around being filthy.
My boyfriend used to pull this stuff. He would play video games for hours while I did the chores and then would criticize me for being tired later since I'd "just been sitting around." I had enough, so I laid down the law. When he didn't do dishes, I stopped cooking. I made frozen dinners for myself and ate alone. When he wouldn't take out the garbage I would pile the bags under his desk so he couldn't sit down (gross, but effective). For awhile it was more work for me, being a manager essentially, but now I don't have to remind him to do these things. Do not be afraid to be called nagging because I guarantee you there will be a period where he claims you are. Nagging is a sexist word very often used with housework that basically means, "I do not want to do housework. If I can turn the problem on you (nagging) instead of on me (being lazy and privileged and sexist) then you will just do the work." All it means is that he is being lazy.
And take SVC's advice. You are not his maid, so stop acting like it! If he can't behave himself even as well as a house-trained dog, then don't let him into your house.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
 how about the next time he wants to come over you tell him
"i'm sorry I can't manage it this week I'm still having to clean up from your visit last week"?
I mean seriously at this point he has NO consequences for his actions....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Lesson for all parents, though some don't get it anyway...teach your children to grow up to be adults, not adult children. You are in for a long haul...this guy is 31 and lives with his Mom? And he has very few life skills...how's this guy with managing money? Okay, probably not good if he's living with Momma....think long and hard on this one...do you want to have a child in the house? Parent/child relationships rarely work after a while...it's all cute at first and even tolerant but after a while, not so much. He's been getting away with it for far too long and still is.If it's just about picking up after himself, it's time to be a little more clear about how you like to keep your home. Flat out tell him he needs to pick up after himself and very specifically what you expect from him. He apparently needs very clear instructions and needs to be clear about how important this is to you. If he shrugs it off and still won't do anything, you might want to reavaluate this relationship. Seriously, there are far worse things, however, your lifestyle and his do not mesh and it WILL (has) become a problem. He is disrespecting you and your home. I mean, if I was at someone's house for dinner, I would ask if any help was needed preparing the meal, I would clear the dishes after the meal, just common curteousy and manners. If I was a guest in someone's home I would not leave my stuff laying around. But if you are acustomed to having someone do all these things for you, it's not likely you will get them to understand where you are coming from. I'm sure it's not his intention, but subcontiously this guy is looking for "another mother". Personally, I could not be that kind of person for my man. I am far too independent, and I expect the same from my partner. But there are women who are raised to find that man and take care of him in that way, still today. As far as we've come it's a little surprising to see it in action, but to each his own I suppose.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 This is an age old issue! He really needs to grow up. 31? I thought you were gonna say he was 21! He probably is used to his mum doing everything for him, maybe you could have a word with her about getting him to take more responsibility at home? Although you really shouldn't have to. As a grown man he should listen to what you've said and make more of an effort. Some people are just messy, they don't see it piling up around them but if it's becoming such an issue that it's stopping the two of you living together then you'd expect him to take some initiative and sort it out! He sounds really immature, I wouldn't have him stay until he can show you and your home a little more respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Well this is a hard one since only he can make this change, and change can only possibly come when he sees that there is something wrong with what he is doing. It's been thirteen years now since he turned eighteen, were has he gone with his life, does he even think about where he is going? He doesn't sound like he is ready to be a responsible adult yet, and when he will be ready who know's.
At this point, you have tried your best, Only options you really have is put up with it, or don't put up with it and leave.
Sorry if you don't like my blunt negativity, which is understandable when referring to your boyfriend of four years, but i'm just being honest to you...
Wish you the best...
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