A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and i have been together for just over four years. He knows I eventually want marriage and a family. I am in my late 20s and he is early 30's so we are at that age to seriously start thinking about it etc. He jokes around, but he is probably semi serious wen he does that it wont happen because i wont compromise! This compromise involves me either selling my house or renting it out and us renting else where. Financially this would be a terrible for me. My concern is, after all this time we still haven't lived with each other. He could move in with me. However, he thinks the extra 15 minute journey too work is too much and he doesn't like the area. He also won't contribute to paying anything weekly (like a version of rent/board) and only put half towards the bills and food. I dont know what to do really. Do i try to get him to see the benefits of moving in? Should he pay something weekly? (he still lives at home!). After all this time, i want the relationship to move forward but we seem to be standing still for so long and not going anywhere.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I agree with Oldbag OP
He lives at home and pays 50 a week, he's not living in the mature grown up world where you are.
Your reasons for not wanting to sell or move are valid and I think that you may find that the relationship is heading to the end....
best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Hi
Well if you've just bought/built the house I understand the need to hold on to it financially, it's your baby too,blood sweat and tears,you've done great to buy it.
If he's only paying out £50 per week to mum and working, he isn't living in the grown-up world yet,he's spoilt.
You on the other hand are mature, financially savvy and doing great, you need somebody on the same level, who understands property value and the real cost of living.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Not all relationships are better moving forward. Some relationships are better if kept at a certain level and not made any close. I think your bf feels this way about your relationship. He probably doesn't want to get married but he likes the present relationship so he will say whatever he needs to say to stop you leaving altogether. If you have made it clear to him that you want marriage and kids and he isn't on board with his actions then he isn't on board at all. He may want the present relationship to continue indefinitely though. Which is why he hasn't broken up with you. I think you have picked the wrong guy.Marriage and kids are not for everyone. But society drills it into us that it should be the default. Hence we assume the other pereon wants it just because we do and they feel they have to say they want it even though they don't. Either that or you are not the right woman for him that he doesn't feel a desire to marry and have a family with. From my experience, if a guy keeps delaying marriage that means he does not want to get married to you. Some of these men can be pressured into accepting marriage anyway but it wont be a happy one (they do their own cost -benefit analysis and figure marriage is better than being alone altogether)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Hi, thank you for te replies. I wrote the original post. The title of it was changed a lot! To clarify i do not expect him to, never have to pay anything if he doesnt live with me and just visits. What i meant was that he did consider moving in with me but didnt because he doesnt think he should pay anything if he does move in! He thinks id be making a profit out of his "rent". Ive only had the house for two years. I built it. It took awhile to get all the planning etc and there were a few hold ups but at te time he encouraged me to go for it and told me whem we started dating he liled the fact i was buying my own house so young. If i sell i will loose money. Prices havent jumped up that much in two years! Plus its not about me want to compromise and do what he wants and rent elsewhere. I cant afford to pay a mortgage ( rent i get wont cover it) and pay rent. Hes happy to pay rent to someone else! I also have two large dogs and have no rental history. We wont get a place! He is in his 30s, lives with his mom and contributes $50 a week but she does everything for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Hi, thank you for te replies. I wrote the original post. The title of it was changed a lot! To clarify i do not expect him to, never have to pay anything if he doesnt live with me and just visits. What i meant was that he did consider moving in with me but didnt because he doesnt think he should pay anything if he does move in! He thinks id be making a profit out of his "rent". Ive only had the house for two years. I built it. It took awhile to get all the planning etc and there were a few hold ups but at te time he encouraged me to go for it and told me whem we started dating he liled the fact i was buying my own house so young. If i sell i will loose money. Prices havemt jumped up that much in two years! Plus its not about me wanting to compromise and do what he wants and rent elsewhere. I cant afford to pay a mortgage ( rent i get wont cover it) and pay rent.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 April 2013):
hi
You can't make him *do* anything so if he isn't rushing to your door with his belongings by now then I doubt he ever will.
He doesn't need to contribute financially if he isn't living with you, except maybe a bit for food - I take it he isn't there in the week because of the commute to work.
Sounds like you need to consider your situation and decide if you have already waited long enough for him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
I don't think you can make this work if you are not willing to sell or at minimum rent your home out and get a place for the two of you if he's that adamant about it.
Perhaps he has picked this particular battle BECAUSE HE KNOWS you won't compromise on it and that's his way out.
Let me explain to you how compromise in this particular situation would work properly.
I love my house. I have lived in it since 1990. I moved into it one year after I separated from my first husband.
Over the years I had two other husbands, my sons, several cats, some dogs, a step daughter... a life nearly as long as yours is on this earth....
In 2011 my then boy toy and I got serious. He lived in an apartment two hours away. When he finally came to see my home it was a disaster (not that yours is but this is critical to my story) and he knew in order for me to sell it, (he insisted he would NOT live in a home with me that was MY HOME with OTHER husbands). I understood his need for US to have our own place and agreed to this.
We had my real estate agent come in and tell us there was no way we could sell for anywhere near what it was worth without fixing up at least the cosmetic aspects of the house. We agreed and my then fiance, moved in December 2011 giving up his home, his life 2 hours away, losing his job due to the move and having essentially nothing.
He then proceeded to pay 50k to fix the home up with the condition that I sell it. Our original plan was to put a lot less into the home and sell right away. We ended up spending way more than we planned but the house is now awesome and livable and we have agreed to be out into our own home by December 2017. Personally I consider it OUR home since he paid totally for the renovations. I would stay in this house as long as physically possible but he wants to sell it. I have agreed.
THAT is compromise. He lives in a house he hates till we can properly afford to sell it. I sell a house I love to please my partner because my home is where he is not what we live in.
In your case, I see why you don't sell. He's not able in his 30's after FOUR years to make a commitment to you. He's not in his 30s even willing to live on his own? You have every right to be concerned that selling your house will net you nothing.
If his big complaint is an extra 15 minutes on his commute I find that bogus. My commute can take me anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes depending on traffic and what time I leave. Another compromise, I used to leave for work around 6 am, now I don't even get up till after 6. It's what my husband prefers and since it's not a problem for me to be in the office later, again I made the change to please him.
Part of being in a relationship is compromise. You have compromised by being with him and his inability to grow up and commit for 4 years... what compromises has he made?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 YOur last paragraph is the most telling. You write:
"I dont know what to do really. Do i try to get him to see the benefits of moving in? Should he pay something weekly? (he still lives at home!). After all this time, i want the relationship to move forward but we seem to be standing still for so long and not going anywhere."
Yes... the relationship IS standing still... and, thankfully, that is about where you should leave it... Guys who have trouble breaking away from "Mommy" also have a difficult time becoming "adult".... and "boyfriends" and
"husbands."
Women who suffer them, usually end up wondering: "What the heck did I do????" .... believing, as you have, that this "Momma's boy" was going to redirect his attentions and love from his "Mommy" to "me" (you!)????? It rarely works... Soooo, the smartest thing you can do is give him is "walking papers" and go out and look for a real man (NOT a "Momma's boy") to be your "boyfriend" ... and - prospectively - a HUSBAND....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): "I dont know what to do really."Nothing you can do, especially if you are the author of eerily similar post(s) from a few weeks back, which elicited essentially the same advice you're getting now.You can't "get" your boyfriend to do anything he would not otherwise be inclined to do. He obviously is happy with things the way they are and he has no inclination or incentive to change because he knows he can keep stringing you along indefinitely because he knows you will continue to refuse to compromise until Hell freezes over.If he wanted marriage and a family, then he would be working toward that goal. He doesn't want what you want. Accept the obvious, cut your losses, and move on. You won't find a guy whom you know wants marriage and a family while your waiting for a guy whom you know doesn't to magically change into the guy you want him to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Waste no more time on him. To move the relationship on, you would normally live together. If he is putting up lame excuses, you have to wonder if he sees a realistic future with you. I would give him the chance to show a real commitment to the relationship, but if nothing happens then forget him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): My boyfriend and I are also in our early 30's and have been together almost 2 years. I moved in with him last year into a flat I really didn't like, with a two hour commute to work (previously it was 20 minutes). We've moved to a new place now (nicer, but same commute). I moved in with him because I wanted to be with him, no matter whether it was not convenient. It's not, but I get to share my life with him, which I love. The moral of this story is that, if after four years, he's making these petty excuses, I think he's not serious about you. This is doubtlessly hard to hear, but it might be best to end the relationship and find someone who is serious. Four years is a long time, long enough for him to make that decision. The facts tend to be quite plain - if he hasn't done it, and he knows what you want, then he doesn't want to do it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2013):
 If he LIVES with you the whole time I can see him helping with the rent/mortgage + food/bills.
If he just stays over from time to time, then quite frankly I don't see why he should be paying your rent/mortgage. But helping with the food and so forth can be OK.
For you to try and sell it (I assume you still owe on the house loan?) so he has shorter commute is really not a wise thing right now. There is nothing that says you two HAVE to live in that house forever, but it is a good place to start. IT makes TOTAL sense to start out LIVING together in YOUR house, instead of having to deal with a loss of money (if the house doesn't bring you the equal amount on sale) or having to deal with renters and finding a place to rent. He is being absolutely illogical and unrealistic. BUT making YOU think it's YOUR fault for not just doing as he asks. Compromise as he calls it.
I would make a budget and see what you can afford.
Then I would sit him down and talk to him about the future. Now you need to decide if this NOT moving in together is a dealbreaker or not and then well, stick to it.
I don't really see him being interested in moving out, he really has no incentive.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2013):
Aside from this issue is your relationship excellent?
If not, this could be a deal breaker.
If so you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Put on paper the financial impact that selling your house or renting it out would have on you. Show him in mathematics why you can't do it.
Then ask him if that's worth an extra 15 minutes in his commute.
Listen to him after that. If he seems a little more open minded then take it from there. Maybe ask why he feels he shouldn't have to contribute evenly to things.
If you get the sense that logic doesn't matter to him and he starts making a bunch of excuses then it's time to accept the facts; he's not interested in taking things to the next level with you.
You have spent 4 years with possibly the wrong guy. Don't waste any more time because you're afraid to break up with him.
I had girls wanting to take things to the next level with me and I felt like I just wasn't ready. The truth is that I they just weren't right for me because when I did meet the right person I had no problems making that commitment.
Also don't convince yourself that you're too old so you need to stay with him. You're not even close to being too old.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Well, if you want marriage and a family, you'd better look for another boyfriend!
You have been together four years plus. He knows what you want - you've made it clear to him - and he won't budge.
Trying to get him see the benefits of moving in (let alone getting married!!) wont achieve anything, since he doesn't view living with you as a benefit. The more you try to persuade him, the more he's going to dig his heels in.
You COULD do as Nora B suggests and ask him ONE more time if he's willing to move in - and if not, end it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Is this guy really 30 and living with his parents or is that a title the mods made up? That is a HUGE red flag on top of all his reasons for not wanting to move in with you. If Mommy and daddy or still taking care of him and he's mooching off of them, this guy is not marriage material in any way shape or form. At least not yet. A guy at his age should have a career/job, be living on his own independently, be saving for the future, perhaps have saved enough to buy a home together, etc if that is the road he is going down.Why not first have a serious conversation about what his goals are..where does he want to see himself in five years, where does he want to see the two of you in five years? If he has no clue and his goals do not match with your goals, you might want to rethink this whole relationship, no matter how hard it is to do. Don't hold onto something that is going to hold you back or hold you down. The two of you should be moving forward, not remaining stagnent with no plans for the future. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (9 April 2013):
Your boyfriend wants it all his own way he has no idea of the meaning of the word COMPROMISE-this is a two way situation or if you like give and take but with him its his way or no way..With regards to expenses he would to pay his share perhaps 50/50 that would be fair .However he seems to be putting a lot of problems in the way of moving in with you .The question that i would ask at this stage does he really WANT TO MOVE IN .Ask hi straight out otherwise as stated your relationship is going no where.Then if his answer is NO. You will have to decide if you want to move forward alone and meet someone else that you will have a future with . Best Luck Nora B.
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