A
female
age
30-35,
*low
writes:Hi, thanks for taking your time to read this!So, I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over seven months now, and overall; he makes me very happy. We click very well with each other and we have a lot of similar interests.The one thing that I have difficulty navigating is the lines of respect that i drew for myself before I was even in a relationship with anyone.My boyfriend is a jester. Not literally, but he has a phenomenal sense of humor and his humor can be extremely sexist at times. That being said, I have a great sense of humor myself so I usually let jokes like that roll off my back. However, there are days where the jokes can be just a little too much. One habit that he has is to call me 'bitch.' I know that it may sound bad to a lot of feminists out there but to be honest- I take the word very lightly. I'm nearing twenty years old and I'm well aware of the fact that he doesn't mean it in the derogatory way... It's more of a sarcastic (not sardonic) joke that he uses out of repetition. BUT.Some days it gets to be a little too repetitive. He's told me before that it's just a joke and that when he says it- he doesn't mean it. I've tried explaining to him that sometimes I just need a break from the word and that perhaps I'd like a little more sweet-talk. I'm no prude, believe me. I like crude jokes and I like having a laugh but at the same time I DO like to be treated like a lady. And it's not just the 'bitch' jokes, either. Sometimes I feel as if when I get into an argument with him- he immediately denounces what I have to say and proceeds to tell me that I'm being irrational or illogical. This leaves me in a fray because I'm often times stuck debating with MYSELF over whether or not I really am being irrational or that I'm really trying to defend my feelings.Here is my dilemma.How do I get my boyfriend to understand that he needs to respect my opinions and emotions without immediately degrading them by assuming that because I am a woman- my thoughts are unclear and skewed by my emotions? How do I communicate to him (respectfully) that he has hurt my feelings and that I need an apology? (He has a very hard time apologizing for anything, especially if he feels that he is in 'the right'. I've also tried explaining to him that it doesn't necessarily matter who is 'right' to me, it's the concept that all human emotion is precious and that if he hurts me: he should apologize.) Also, how do I tell him that I need for him to lay off of the 'bitch' jokes without him telling me that I need to 'lighten up'? I understand that it's just a joke but how do I get him to understand that he needs to go easy on me for a while without making him feel as if I'm over-reacting? I'd really appreciate any advice.
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male
reader, MrWombat  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 "Sometimes I feel as if when I get into an argument with him- he immediately denounces what I have to say and proceeds to tell me that I'm being irrational or illogical."Well - that's the way that men argue. I'm hearing: "sometimes I argue with him: no fair that he argues back!""How do I get my boyfriend to understand that he needs to respect my opinions and emotions without immediately degrading them by assuming that because I am a woman- my thoughts are unclear and skewed by my emotions?"LOL. I actually did laugh out loud. "How can I get him to respect my emotions and not assume that I'm being emotional about it?" I think I'd have trouble, too, not thinking that you are thinking with your feelings.The thing that a guy detests, that's a trigger point for a guy, is a woman going "I have the right to veto anything you do or say on account of my hurt feelings." If you honestly think that he should accept you as his boss and censor, well, he might be a bit too aware for that.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 Assuming it's not too late to chime in here...
I'm not sure what your next step is but if you plan to talk to him, then I suggest you keep it brief and tell him what you THINK of his treatment of you rather than a long drawn out discussion about how you feel. To focus on feelings is to live up to the stereotype that women are chatty and emotional.
From what you've written here you sound reasonable and rational to me. I don't know of any woman who would be fine with being casually and repeatedly referred to as 'bitch' any more than your boyfriend (or any other man) would be fine with being casually and repeatedly referred to as 'cunt' or 'asshole'. Excuse the language but I use those words deliberately as they really that aren't far off 'bitch'.
The question isn't how to make your boyfriend understand, but how to get YOU to understand that you don't need to prove that you aren't hysterical every time you express displeasure. You don't need to wait until HE agrees he was in the wrong before you take steps to protect yourself from any kind of mistreatment regardless of how benign it may seem.
Your boyfriend isn't trying to be funny. If he were, he'd know the same joke told too many times get stale. He's lashing out and hiding behind humour to prevent you from mounting a defense and to protect him from the consequences. He isn't worried about what you think of him, so don't worry about whether he thinks you're being reasnoable or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): He doesn't respect you. You cant make someone respect you because it has nothing to do with you it's his own internal belief system that is bigger than you.
You have voiced your opinions to him. He dismissed them. You have asked for what you want and need. He flat out refused.
This means you're going to have to choose between sucking it up and living with it for as long as this relationship continues, or leave him.
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A
female
reader, blow +, writes (12 May 2012):
blow is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for your help! Especially person12345, I really loved reading the article, it helped me understand a lot more about myself and about the society I'm living in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): How do I get my boyfriend to understand that he needs to respect my opinions and emotions without immediately degrading them by assuming that because I am a woman- my thoughts are unclear and skewed by my emotions?
quite simply you don't because to start off it seems that he doesn't have a lot of respect for you..., cause you're a woman You have to tell him straightway no more bitch jokes!
person12345 is right, and I couldn't have said better, listen to her.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I'm going to concentrate on your final paragraph because that seems to sum up your situation:
"Also, how do I tell him that I need for him to lay off of the 'bitch' jokes without him telling me that I need to 'lighten up'? I understand that it's just a joke but how do I get him to understand that he needs to go easy on me for a while without making him feel as if I'm over-reacting? "
You tell him,but in your own words: " lay off the bitch jokes and stop trying to excuse your behaviour by saying I need to lighten up! I've asked you to stop and you haven't. I view this as disprespect for me as a person. Please don't ignore valid requests from somebody you profess to love. This is a deal breaker, and I am not prepared to be ignored over this again" and if he does it again, walk.
At the moment he is calling you a bitch because he can, next time he calls you a bitch it will because you have called him on his sexist, bullying behaviour and he knws he cant get away with it any more.
You are still quite young, you have another 60 years of life to live, now it the time to lay the ground work. You can decide if you are going to spend the next 60 years being called a bitch, or with somebody who respects you for the person you are.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (12 May 2012):
 Just like you told us. Up front, direct, to the point. That's how you get his attention. Non-emotional direct words. That's what guys relate to. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 There really is nothing much you can do here but to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you do not need to lighten up that sometimes you just need to be reassured that he cares about you and that he is serious towards you and not always joking, telling him now and again it is okay but all the time is beginning to have a strain on you. Tell him it is affecting your relationship and he needs to try to stop this or some day you might just have had enough. He needs to grow up and have a mature relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 May 2012):
 Look I understand you want to seem all cool and laid back, but a guy who makes sexist jokes and calls women bitches is a sexist, end of story. He's telling you to lighten up because you're calling him out on his sexism and he doesn't like having someone stand up to him, especially someone he believes is below him. This guy is a sexist. If someone says something sexist or racist or anti-Semitic and then laughs about it, that doesn't change what they say. Same goes to calling those people derogatory names.
Saying you're humorless, need to lighten up, that you're crazy, overreacting, whatever, that's the oldest trick in the book. He is silencing you because he iS SEXIST. He is so arrogant and privileged that he believes he gets the right to tell you what is or isn't sexist, as a man talking to a woman. He also believes that he has a right to tell you what is or isn't offensive, as a man talking to a woman. Telling sexist jokes and calling women bitches is sexist. Just because he's laughing doesn't change that. It's up to you if you want to stay with someone who relishes that he has privilege over you. Here is a good article about the whole "lighten up" stuff:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html
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