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female
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anonymous
writes: Ok, so here's my problem. My friend wants to set me up with this guy, who is "just like me". We have talked on the phone for a few weeks now. I really am beginning to like him! Heres the thing: I am 18, he is 25. Now, I don't think it is a big deal, and I have always been extremely mature for my age. My parents are six years apart (hypocrites), but I know they wouldn't approve. My mom already said 25 is too old. They think he will be more exprienced and such, but I know (and my friend) that he is not like that. How can I tell my parents about him, and make them approve? I need to take a shot! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, john_lover +, writes (25 November 2005):
I agree with Irish partly because your parents cant tell you what to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): Yes, you are 18 and you don't need your parent's permission. But realize, your Mom and Dad still want to protect you because they love you very much. They also understand the realities that finding an older guy poses some risks for you-like being sexually active with him too soon. And, of course, there's the chance of catching a sexually transmitted disease or getting pregnant. All of these could potentially stop you from pursuing the life-course you really want and desire. And that's why your parents, in order to protect you, might object to your going out with a fellow of 25. I think they trust you but they simply don't trust him-and you have to help them understand that he's a decent guy who has your best interests at heart and that he does sincerely respect you.
Therefore, it seem sensible to talk things through with this fellow and come up with some relationship guidelines to protect yourself, before you approach your Mom and Dad. These will include time limits so that you can keep up with your work and be able to get up fresh in the morning. If you talk to your mum first, telling him what you and this fellow have decided, perhaps she'd be able to put your case for forward and support you in getting Dad to agree. Of course if this lad is willing to agree to this, you will see. that he too has your best interests at heart. Allow your parents to meet him and let them draw their own conclusions. God luck dear and please take care.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (23 November 2005):
 At eighteen, you don't need your parents' permission to see this man. I understand though that you'd rather keep things sweet with them, so I think you need to be very firm about this, but without letting the situation descend into stress of any kind. My first suggestion is this - why not keep the first few dates with this guy as your private business? After all, you need some space just for you and him to decide whether you are compatible, and I don't think worrying about your parents during that time will be helpful. Then once you know he's a keeper (and it sounds like he will be) you can mention to your mum and dad that you've already dated him and really like him. Don't ask for their blessing, just tell them that you are seeing this person, and that you've already had time to decide that the age gap is not a problem. If they start talking about him being more experienced, reassure them that he is a real gentleman and remind them gently that at eighteen you are entitled to do as you wish. The big thing for you to remember here is that the best way to stop this from being a trigger-point for a fight is for you to decide not to let that happen. Whether to have a relationship or not is exclusively your decision, and as long as you don't let any comments they may make bother you, your parents have no power to get in the way of the relationships you choose. Stand up for yourself - not by shouting and arguing, but by being mature and matter-of-fact about this issue. If you're worried about what they'll say, then simply don't ask your parents for an opinion. Just tell them the situation and leave it at that. If they offer opinions anyway, respond politely and calmly with "OK, I appreciate your advice. Thanks for still caring so much, I'll make sure I think about what you've said." Then get on with your relationship. Show your parents that you are not a child to be ordered around, you are a grown woman who can make her own mind up about people.
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