A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm just looking for a bit of advice. I am married to my partner who I've known since we were kids. I've been feeling so lonely recently as I feel like I've lost connection with my friends. I work and sit at home waiting for my husband to come home. As soon as he comes in he puts his PlayStation on plays that all night with his friends. It feels like he never wants to spend any time with me and when he does come off it to watch a film or something he just falls asleep. I really need him now more than ever and when I try and explain it to him he just says "Fine I'll come off the game". This just makes me feel worse as it seems like a chore to him. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him about it, then I'll give him a few days and hope he turns it off on his own terms but he never does. I've never felt more lonely in my life and I honestly feel so frustrated as he can't see why I'm upset about it. It's not like I'm saying never play it, I just want some time with him like a normal couple. Am I overreacting? What should I do to make him understand? (P.s I have been reaching out to friends now hoping to reconnect) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 This sounds like me and my husband, but the only difference is I enjoy my own space when we are both relaxing after work. He plays his playstation and I watch my soaps. Why not agree to one date night a week, no distractions, cook a nice meal, light some candles, or go out together for a meal.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 September 2017):
Here is a little fact...NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!
People can ADD to YOUR OWN happiness, but no one can make you happy.
When you are in a good mood, and a good friend comes by, they add to your own happiness, and it makes you more happy.
If you are sad, it is very hard for someone to cheer you up, unless YOU are willing to be cheered up.
It all starts with you...What do you like to do? Good to the gym. Join something fun...dance class, swimming, yoga, anything other than sitting there feeling lonely.
Do you see...You are home lonely and sad...Man comes home and sees the mood of lonely and sad. So guess what he wants to hang out with...lonely and sad...NOPE!!! Where is the excitement?? With you or with his friends?
So if you don't change you...how are you going to to change someone else??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): If you like dogs, put up fliers volunteering to walk dogs, or offer it for a modest fee.
You're a receptionist, so you don't interact much with people at your work?
I'm guessing you've moved into an apartment. Use the gym. Hang out at the pool or put your feet in the hot tub, and chat with people.
There's a crunch fitness here that you can join for $10/month. While you're there getting into fantastic shape, you can ask other women how they like the machine, or if that exercise hurt their back when they first started doing it. Pretty soon you'll be meeting people to work out with, and going for a smoothie or a beer afterwards.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Don't sit around expecting your husband to make you happy. The most miserable people to be around are the ones who basically sit back and gripe that nobody is entertaining them. Do you know who figures out what I'm going to do when I don't have anything scheduled? Me. Plan some activities and invite him (it's very passive aggressive to simply leave because he isn't entertaining you). If he doesn't want to go, don't make him, but don't let him stop you either. Take a class at the community college, volunteer at a food bank, join a church, join a book club, start a book club. Take a yoga class. Find a subject you're interested in, and try to teach it to people. Do you like kids? Look up some fun science demonstrations, then get permission at your apartment complex to put up fliers and do a hands-on demonstration next Wednesday at the club house. Too extroverted for you? Then put up fliers offering babysitting. You can insist it be at their apartment if you think yours isn't appropriate. His gaming buddies must have girlfriends. Invite them over next Wednesday for dinner. Let the guys play and you ladies talk. You might gain a friend. Tell him you'd like to have one night a week where you guys play board games and leave the TV off. Schedule it. There are very few men who are going to arrange your activities so that you aren't bored, and the ones that do are called controlling (the same people advising you to dump this guy, will advise you to dump a control freak even faster). You will be miserable in every relationship until you take some responsibility for having things to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Grab that playstation control and become a worthy competitor.
He unwinds with the games and so can you.
Make sure you have dual controls and get practicing.
He will notice you then and if he progresses to virtual reality games you wont be far behind him!
You might even enjoy it!
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (19 September 2017):
 You are living a half life.. You're not a withered old prune, you're an elastic band, full of youth and your whole life ahead of you- not that anyone at ANY age should settle or be unhappy. How many years have you got ahead of you though? Like Aunty BB said are you going to spend the next 60 years "living" this "life"?
I think you need to be bold here and really ask yourself if this- if HE is what you want- it's sad that relationships fall apart every day and you obviously got married as kids- but are you going to carry on pretending things are the same as they were for the rest of your life or are you going to be strong and take a bold decision to move on, get a divorce.
Maybe there's some love there on your part but a guy who pays NO attention to you is not invested in the relationship any more. Furthermore a guy that plays video games all day and blows his "chick" off for his "bros" (this is obviously the young mentality he has) doesn't sound like he has matured enough to sustain a marriage anyway.
The most drastic change in people is from teens to adulthood- You're a different person to when you were a kid. And if you still feel like a kid, you'll be a different person at say 26, 27..
Get out there, get back to basics and realise what you're missing- LIFE, reclaim it back
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Hey OP here. I just want to clear a few things up. I work full time, he proposed to me. I have a lot of friends but we recently moved away from our home town so I lost connection with my friends. We grew up in the same area all our lives so that is where all our friends are. I'm certainly not a tag a long. My husband's friends are his work friends from where we live now and I have barely even met them. I am a receptionist so my job is pretty much on my own so I haven't been able to make friends the way he has. All I want is to spend time with him. As I stated before, I don't want all his time. Just for him to make time for me as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Sounds like the common symptoms of a couple who have been together since kids, and married too young. He hasn't even outgrown his PlayStation; and he's already married.
I wonder who was in the most hurry to get married? It usually isn't the one who likes to spend all their time with their friends and gaming.
It might be a chore being a husband, when you're not mature enough to be one. Do you have a child yet? Oh, you do; but he's also your husband.
You might have to set a little money aside and plan date-nights together. You need to get out of the house and have fun as a couple. Make some plans to do things together away from home. Remind him what a husband is for. Being so young, he has to learn.
You also need to develop your own interests and hobbies; so you can stimulate your own mind. He's your whole-world, and that's a sign you spent all your time before marriage being his girlfriend. That's all that mattered.
You've spend so much of your time dating each other, you didn't even make yourself any friends. You've centered your life around your boyfriend; and sometimes he has to escape back into his childhood with his friends.
You need to reconnect with some of your girlfriends; if you have any, and get out more. Making a relationship the center of your universe and not staying connected with the outside world gets pretty lonely. Even if you have an attentive and affectionate husband; you need to feel your individuality and run on your own energy. You depended on him to plan all your dates and to do things together. Didn't you? He always had friends, and you were always the tag-along girlfriend.
You've tried talking to him. He didn't understand what you wanted him to do. Tell him what it is you want from him. Do you want to go out to dinner, visit your folks, go dancing, see some of your other married-friends? Maybe he needs to know. All he knows about marriage is you work and come home to a wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Well, get a job, or another if you dont have one already and work nights. You can also find an activity, read a book, do things you like. Find your own happiness and dont depend on your husband to make you happy he can. But in the meantime volunteer. Trust me ive been through this and I find working and do activities on the side helps. He may want space naturally we all do as humans seeing to much of a parent a spouse or a friend may be to much at times so space is nice and he will cling to you dear.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 September 2017):
 You are still very young, with a probable life expectancy of around 80 years .... which means you are only a quarter of the way through.
Think very carefully about your marriage, does it bring you happiness, does being married to your husband nourish your soul?
Are you prepared to continue as you are for the next 60 years?
You've asked what you can do to make him understand ... we can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do. Its possible your husband's quite happy the way things are at the moment, I'm not sure if you work in or out of your house, but reading between the lines I am going to assume you cook and clean and generally take care of things while he gets to play with his friends all night.
Try once more to tell him how his actions make you feel, if he doesn't get it or isn't interested or acts like its a great big chore then seriously consider what's in it for you.
From where I sit it doesn't look like there is much there at all.
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