A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 18 months is divorced. At the time of his wedding to his ex-wife he received a personalised tea pot with their first names and wedding date printed on the side. It's a nice big pot and he uses it, but I quietly feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when he serves tea in it. Sometimes it's next to the sink and I don't like looking at it in his kitchen on a regular basis. I have never mentioned anything about it but wonder if it would be appropriate to ask him if he is willing to replace it with an identical pot from the same shop just without any names on it. I can buy this pot for him as a present and maybe he can put the personalised one in a safe place with other momentos. Does this make me look jealous and insecure?
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, jealous, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): I meant to say:
"Let him keep it someplace out of sight. His former-marriage is on permanent-record in City Hall, and on other documents."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Get the replacement. Explain your sensitivities to being reminded of his previous relationship to someone else. It probably never occurred to him the teapot causes you irritation.
He only recognizes the functionality of a utensil. He means you no disrespect.
The purpose of engravings or personalizing gifts is to commemorate an event; or to be an eternal-reminder of a special occasion, or person. The divorce was the demise of that phase in his life. Replacing the teapot will initiate the beginning of your new chapter together. It will symbolize starting fresh. This could be your reasoning. Not to seem petty.
If it has sentimental-value, compromise. Let him keep it someplace out of sight. His former-marriage is on permanent record in City Hall on on other documents. I assume his ex is still alive.
I guess I can see using something as frequently used as a teapot is like rubbing your nose in his past; and it's constantly paying tribute to someone no longer in his life. I think in this case, you're being reasonable.
Don't try to erase all evidence of his past marriage. Then you're pushing the envelope.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): I agree with the other posts. If done calmly and reasonably, sharing your feelings about the teapot is very appropriate. It might be unreasonable to make him get rid of it, but putting it away is not. Do not accuse him of being insensitive, or uncaring, unless he refuses to put it away. Many people simply don't think about things like that, or it has a different meaning to him than it appears. It may also be that he has had it so long, he doesn't even notice what it says. In any case, if he reacts hurt, give it a little time (don't necessarily force him to give you an answer right then). Often, if I feel like I'm being bossed around, I'll respond harshly, or with silence while I think about it, then later realize the request was reasonable and I will comply. If my wife forces me to immediately agree with her, we may argue when it wasn't necessary.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (19 September 2017):
If he's a guy worth your time for the past 18 months he should be a guy who will understand your sensitivity to this memento. As for your question in regard to whether this makes you look jealous or insecure, all I can say is that most people in this situation would feel the same way you do. Tell him you'd like to see the two of you drink your tea out of YOUR pot. I'd be surprised is he has a problem with this or thinks you are being weird about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2017):
 Yes, it's fine. Tell him to put the teapot away with the shared names on it. Better yet... GO find a unique teapot that both of you will like.
I would not buy a "copy" just without the names. (unless that is the ONLY teapot in the World he will accept, which... I doubt). I would go with one that will NOT remind him of HER but of you two.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 September 2017):
 Well I see you are from the UK and tea is considerably more important there than here . . . Just kidding. What you propose sounds very reasonable to me. You are more than generous, many women would want to see the old pot melted down. I'm sure it is a very nice teapot and he is only holding on to it because it functions so well.
FA
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