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female
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anonymous
writes: I have recently met a guy who I believe could be the one. We both admit there is real attraction and others who see us together comment on how he looks at me and how much happier he is when we are together.He has told and shown me in so many way that he cares for me but he does not want a relationship because he has been hurt in the past and doesn't want to involve anyone in his problems.I know all about his past and have told him this is not a concern for me. He knows I love him and he loves me, but he still won't have a relationship.Now I am trying extreamly hard not to contact him and get on with my life but I am feeling so down about it all. To make things even more difficult, we both attend the same dance classes and move in the same social circle. Because we both still care for each other we don't want to stop each other carrying on with our dance classes or social life, but seeing each other is so painful - but I also must admit that when I go to events that he has avoided because I am there, I feel even worse because I haven't been able to see him.How do I get over him? How do I get him to understand I am not scared off by things things he needs to work though? How do I help him understand that sometimes getting over an ex requires you to take the risk of being hurt again. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): There are some things that you simply can't control. Another person's emotional issues present one example.
Your guy sounds like a smart enough guy - why don't you believe him? He's said he doesn't want a relationship. Do the reasons really matter? Some emotional issues have to be worked through on an individual basis; they take real growing, and sometimes, you have to be alone to really get that done.
I didn't understand this for a long time. I dated a guy in college for 2 years. He was my first love, I was his, and we were certain we were made for each other. There was such intensity there. And when we first started dating, our relationship was so good for him - he'd been hurt so badly in the past, and he needed someone to just love him and appreciate all the amazing things about him. And over the course of many months, there were these enormous changes in him - he grew so much.
Eventually, though, he stopped. He plateaued. He'd done all the recovering and growing that he could as long as I was there; it was easier for him to rely on me as a perpetual crutch than to take the giant step of finishing his emotional recovery. Breaking up with him might have been the hardest thing I've ever done - God, it was agonizing, for both of us.
But you know what? Not 6 weeks had gone by, and everyone could see the changes in who he was. He'd been devastated by the break-up, but it freed him to stand on his own and really rid himself of all the demons he'd been facing for so many years. We're in touch from time to time now, and every time I hear from him or about him, I feel warm and happy inside.
Your guy has told you things - trust his words. There is nothing for you to make him understand. The best thing you can do right now is to leave him alone.
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