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female
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*lexandra
writes: I've been in this relationship for almost two years. He is in and out, claims he loves me, doesn't want to let me go, nor does he ever go away completely, but he won't commit nor take the relationship any further ( to the next level.) We were once about to get engaged, and two days prior he broke up with me, only to return a week later but fixated with distancing himself from me as much possible. It has been devastating for me. I am confussed, in love, but completely insecure, obsessed with the relationship, feeling powerless and with very little hope. I don't know how to change it. I still want a future with him. He gives me just enough for me to believe that one day he might propose, or ask me to move in with him, but his behavior is ofs omeone who wants to grow more and more distant. His words and actions do not match. I do believe he loves me, but I would like to see it materialized. He refuses to go to couple's counseling. What can I do to change this? How can i behave so that "I" am able to honor myself, to care for myself, sto obsessing, and also prompt him to change his behavior, and become pro-active? How can I help him make a move? Long for me? And finally decide to commit in a formal way, and from the bottom of his heart, for the right reasons?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): I agree with pica. I think you are in a very common situation, to be honest.
I think if you weren't so insecure, you would have perhaps broken up the relationship after you realised he was not interested in taking the relationship a step further. His refusal to have councelling, and your own insecurities are both strong indications that, perhaps, you two are not totally right for each other.
I think the longer you stay in a relationship such as this, the more it is going to drain you of your self-confidence and ambition to have a successful healthy relationship.
If you ask someone to change, or tell them they are doing something you don't like and things don't change, you're in a difficult position. Really, in situations like yours, you've reached the point where the relationship can go no further. You must have consequences for when things that you ask are not done. You can't ask of this guy so much, and then do nothing when he rejects you on everything. That is probably a big reason why you are feeling the way that you do. I do feel for you, because I have been in the same position as your boyfriend when I was younger.
The best advice, in my opinion, is to judge people on their actions. I wish I paid more attention to this when I was going through relationship problems when I was younger. It is easy to say the words "I love you"; it is not so easy to show someone you love them; unless you do. In which case, it is actually very easy. If your boyfriend felt the same way about you as you do about him, you would be very happily together right now and looking forward to a life-long future together.
I wish you the best with whatever happens ok :)
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (1 November 2006):
Honestly? I don't think he will. From where he is, he has everything he wants. He's perhaps not deliberately messing you about, but he's moving to and fro in such a way that he's not really considering your feelings. He doesn't seem sufficiently committed to you to care about what effect all this has on you - that's not good. And if he doesn't do that now, why should he do that years down the line? Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. I think you'd be better off looking for someone who does care for you and take your feelings seriously.
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