A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear GirlShrink,Me and my boyfriend have been broken up for 3 months. And hes in a new "relationship" already, although i think its clearly not that after the break up he spent most of his time with this girl thats always just been his friend, like kinda good friends, but got closer after we broke up i guess. This is the person he vented to about our break up and now there "dating" this clearly has to be a rebound. The "new" girl told me that she is tired of hearing things about me from him, like things i do or say to him, hes not over me if he is bringing this up to her? Just last week we talked and he was crying over our relationship and got angry, when we both calmed down he hesitated to leave and walked me to my car, he clearly has feelings for me so why does he say i dont want you, i dont love you, just leave me alone, im happy now, is this all effort to push away feelings for me? And if so is this going to backfire on him in the long run? One nite about a month ago he was crawling back to me, this is when i acted as though i didnt need him didnt contact him and after that hes been on this new strike of not needing me, after he turned around from not wanting me i think i did everything wrong i contacted him told me what he is loosing basically trying to convince him that hes loosing a true love, and getting angry at him for not even say hi to me and acting like hes brand new and happier, i think this was the WRONG thing to do. I expressed to him about a week ago that i feel like (we) were just another relationship to him because how can he just move on and act as if i never existed and he told me dont be rediculous because he knows how serious we were. He also said he was confused, had a lot of mixed emotions, and things are still too tender between us right now. So hes jumping to another girl whom i merely know he has no attraction to, and just saying he doesnt want me etc. etc. Is he trying to convince himself he likes this other girl by doing all the things we used to do and spending literally EVERY minute with her? The girl texted me about 2 days ago also saying how they were ina relationship i was so mad cause he lied to me about it when i asked him if there was someone, and i think he lied because he knows hes not even serious about her. I responded and said that she would be happy to know that he kissed me on the cheek, held me, and cried about our relationship, just last week-this obviously means he still cares for me as i stated above. Then my boyfriend frantically calls me over and over (i ignore it) i guess to sugar coat his feelings for me in front of her. It was probably the wrong thing to tell her because that will only push him away from me, but i havent said anything to them for a couple days i wished them luck and that was it. Why would he do this? Its like he doesnt want to lose something thats giving him comfort temporarily. Since ive heard of the "new" girl i haven't contacting him since do you think this will get to him over time? after all he wont have anything to talk about with this other girl when im not contacting him or anything, i dont think they will last at all because im already still in the picture just days ago and who knows how long they have been talking. He has to know this girl is nothing but a rebound especially since shes just someone hes venting to and spending all his time with to be distracted. Our relationship was the most serious out all the ones hes had. So is literally tryin to avoid all emotion by saying he doesnt want me? What is the right approach to getting him to crawl back to me?
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female
reader, dazey  +, writes (14 December 2009):
To be completely frank, I think it is you who ought to stop acting like that. From what you've said, you sound very mean. Imagine sending such a bitchy message to another woman! If this man is using her as a rebound as you suspect then that's bad enough treatment as it is.
The best thing for everyone in this situation is time. Luckily for you time will happen on its own so you won't have to worry about that. Do what you can to put the whole situation out of your mind/ reach etc by whatever means open to you. It looks as though your ex is doing the same, except he's using another person to create the distance, and that is not exactly ideal. Delete numbers, go on holiday, work away, do what you can and give it at least 6 weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone concerned- especially not this other woman.
Then, see how you feel about it all. I'm hoping the distance will help you understand what you really want, and whether- as i suspect- you're actually just freaking out because you can't get your own way over this. Sorry to sound harsh but you need perspective.
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