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female
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anonymous
writes: I work for my partner and I also work part-time as a receptionist. I would consider myself intelligent and hard-working but my boyfriend doesn't show me much respect. He often criticises me and I really resent it when he does.He also has a secretary who works for him and he would never dare talk to her the way he talks down to me. He will criticise the way I exercise (I have recently given up smoking and exercise to keep fit but am only 8.5 stone) the work I do on the internet, so many things. I stand up for myself, I have told him how I feel. Considering I used to be quite a dependent woman, I have been making big strides to independence as this is so important to me now.He is the classic case of 'pot calling the kettle black'- he really is the biggest hypocrite I know!The way he is with me has made my feelings for him slide quite a bit.My main question is; How do I get him to respect me more? I used to have low esteem but I recognise I'm a worthy person and I no longer need him to tell me that but I still would like him to think more of me and who I really am. What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2006): Hi, I'm still only in high school..but I have had the same exact problem as you. I hated it, because I knew I was better than he thoguht I was. And it made me cry everytime he pinned it on me, telling me my school work was wrong and then he'd take it off me and tell me how to do it more than explain in a pleasent way, he told me that I was pathetic when i told him how I felt about his behavious towrds me. That's when I realised I did NOT need him in my life, so what did I do? I went straight round to my friend's house (a female) and told her everything, my thoughts, my feelings, everything. She told me to ignore everything he said until he realised that pinning words onto me wasn't going to work anymore. So when I went home my boyfriend was there with his friends and he asked me where I'd been as if he owned me and I smiply said "round my mates" and smiled, he muttered "she's pathetic" to his friends, and so I took a long deep breath and muttered "yeah but who can chose what they dream? Who can chose how they're meant to be?" with a smile on my face. After that, he ALWAYS thought about what he was saying to me, but after a while I found out he'd been cheating on me. But I didn't really care much, he was the pathetic waste of time, all you really need in life is your friends who understand, and maybe your family if you're close to them (however I'm not..so I turn to my friends) and now I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a diamond found in sand. All I'm tryign to say is that, if it's bugging you so much that it makes you cry, you shouldn't stay with him. I'm sure you're a wonderful lady who doesn't need a man like that ruining your life, but if he doesn't show you respect, why should you show him respect?.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (2 March 2006):
 This guy is a control freak.. He gets off on putting you down.
GET OUT NOW!
He will never respect you, or treat you right. You need to move on and leave his bad behaviour for somebody else to deal with.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2006): RUN FAST! Sounds like your self esteem is pretty fragile. If it was good you wouldn't still be w/ this guy. Do you think he's suddenly going to come to his senses and see how wonderful you are and how wrong he's been in his treatment to you? Impossible. If he had sense he wouldn't criticize you to begin w/. He probably says he's just trying to help you right? He's trying to control you, probably because of his own insecurities.It's not your job to talk him into liking you more and being nicer. How sick for you to want a guy that you have to "convince" into loving you.I've had that exact sickness for 7 years and it's pure misery. If you stay w/ him someday your question will be to wonder if you'll ever have the strength to leave or just loathe yourself for being so weak and kill yourself instead.Leave now and maybe that will actually boost your self esteem up to what you're claiming it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2006): Get out now while you still have the strength to do it. If he doesn't respect you now, what do you think will change that? You think someday he'll suddenly come to his senses and realize how wonderful you are and how wrong he's been in his treatment to you? No matter how much you want that, the truth is he will respect you less the more bad treatment you take from him. Doormats are good to walk on, wipe the sh*t off our shoes. But who respects them?I know it's frustrating and probably seems incomprehesible to you as to why he can't quit nit picking you to death and just relate to your goodness. So you stay, because surely he'll come around. How could he not?Take it from someone who has been waiting 7 years for respect. RUN FAST! You're self esteem sounds pretty fragile. If it was so great you wouldn't still be w/ this guy.Don't be stuck like me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006): Over time, persistent, harmful criticism destroys hope in almost any couple relationship. You are right, he doesn't respect you and this is his problem and he owns it. And you can't make him respect you. This is his choice to behave this way. Relationships demand integrity and happy relationships are built on 'respect'. We each have the right to our own thoughts, opinions and how we conduct our lives. Your bf is wrong to criticise you. He doesn’t necessarily have to agree with 'all' you say or do, but he does have to respect it. This is just the human way to behave, in life.
Criticism is attacking someone with the intent to do emotional harm and it hurts the soul. You don't say how you respond to him, but like many of us, you likely get defensive. This only convinces him that he is absolutely right in his negative judgments about you because he chooses this mindset. It sounds like you have spoken to him many times, about this problem and he is not curbing his behaviour. If he won't stop immediately-then you may have no recourse but to leave this situation because his desire to continually criticize you, is a sign of a serious relationship problem-his problem. The opposite of criticism is encouragement. Encouragement is 'acceptance' and you don't have that. With your bf, encouragement isn't practiced much because it demands generosity and he is not a generous, loving partner. I think you have to see him for 'what he really is'-a selfish, boorish ass. It sounds like you are clinging desperately to your sense of worth here. If he continues doing this to you...he will destroy that. Save yourself now before it worsens. Staying in this relationship with him, will cause you to tolerate living a sad, directionless life with him and you will begin to feel more and more unworthy. Nobody has the right to tear you down, in this way. All relationships need boundries, right off the starting gate. Take what you have learned and never, ever tolerate this, in the future. Best of luck, dear and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006): I think this guy you are with has low self esteem. I think I see why he might be picking on you... it's because he wants to show you he is the boss. Between you two, he wants to believe he is the intelligent one, the successful one, the better looking one etc. He might actually be feeling threatened by the way you have been shaping up.
You DON'T need him to respect you. He is clearly very insecure about himself and seems to enjoy putting you down just make him feel good about himself. Get rid of him. Don't waste your time talking to him.
Dump him... AS SOON AS YOU CAN!!
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female
reader, shania +, writes (1 March 2006):
 I agree with Smeedle....what on earth are you doing with that loser? His head is so much up his arse....he cannot see through the other end.Im sorry but this guy doesnt have a clue on how to treat a woman...particulary you.He is self absorbed...self centred and self indulged with himself.If i was you..i would give him the push...he doesnt care and you shouldnt have to beg for some respect..the man is a prat!
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (1 March 2006):
 Show him that you can be happy without him and won't fall apart, by claiming some time apart in order for him to smarten his attitude!! If he thinks anything of you he will contact you and apologise and hopefully give you a great well deserved gift! Chocolate and rosies I say!!!!
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (1 March 2006):
 What on earth are you still doing with this bloke?
He treats you badly, he puts you down and as you addmitted your feelings for him are fading due to this.
You may have suffered low self esteem but you do not now suffer it, you have gained in confidence and this has made you into a strong person so why risk all this by staying with this pig, he will bring you down and may be doing this as he does not like the new confident you, maybe he preffered the doormat.
Bin him and move on!! Happiness is out there just go and find it.
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