A
male
age
36-40,
*arkLatus
writes:My lover of three years was raped a month ago and given HIV. Now, he's even more depressed and withdrawn, he refuses to come near me, I tried to touch his hand and he flinched, he has flashbacks...this is seriously affecting our relationship.He's only 22, and I'm 29...I want to be able to help him through this...but I don't know what to do...The doctor spoke about safe sex, and he just snapped and said we wont have to worry because we probably wont ever have sex again, yet in his drawer yesterday there are packs of condoms and lube, still unopened and brand new.He's seeing a psychiatrist, he has been since the rape happened. The men who did it are behind bars, and I keep trying to reassure him but he pushes me away...he wont even sleep in our bed, he's started sleeping in the spare room...every night I hear him crying, but when I go in he acts...scared of me, then when he sees I'm not gonna hurt him, he pushes me out.Please, how can I help him? How can I get him to open up to me, and see that I still love him?
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male
reader, jp21 +, writes (22 July 2010):
 if you dont talk at theripy then why go? I think that just you and him talking together may help him more. Tell him that you love him and you dont like that he pushes you away. Comfort him, if he lets you of-course. ask him why did he get the condoms and lube. maybe he feels like he is dirty and not good enough for you? and thats why he pushes you away and he just feels like he needs to deal with it alone. so he is shutting every one out and he is hurting him-self because he doesnt no how to deal with it and he is greaving and he is hurt. the pain is so much but he wants to do it alone. A part of him really wants you to comfort him but he has a wall up or a bubble and he is trying to make him self feel safe again. try to get him to open up without the theripist. just one on one. maybe some sleepy-time tea might help him sleep? Maybe one night you and your spouse can just stay up and watch movies all night with some pop-corn/fravorit ice-cream. idk every time he goes to sleep he has a break down, maybe one night out of the bed-room would do him some good. just a thought, if anything he may open up?
A
male
reader, philip@u +, writes (14 July 2010):
maybe you guys should move to a new place. i mean living in the same place after that wouldn't be good especially if he have flash backs of that day remembering what he did hrs before, what he could have done differently. idk might be an idea? it wont fix everything but a new start is a good thing i think. asure him that you love him. maybe you guys can try to get in a place with a female. because right now i dont think he wants a man to touch him. at least i wouldn't. he is closing up to the theripist because he doesn't want to remember it and he doesn't want to feel judged, a person picking at every thing he would say. maybe if he has friends that are female in a comfortable inviornment he may open up more to them then a stranger/theripist/or men? just some one to listen, and not judge. i know thats what theripist do, but its not the same. maybe he can write his feelings down too. i come up with a lot of ideas, might think of some thing els later. and i am not a theripist or perfeshonal to give out an ivaluation on a person. you may want to bring these things up to him and the theripist.
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A
male
reader, MarkLatus +, writes (4 July 2010):
MarkLatus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your advice :)I've tried avoiding contact with him, but I can see how hurt that makes him...he asked me if I'm too scared to touch him and started crying and curling up in my arms...Its so confusing for me, and the guilt was almost unbearable.He knows HIV doesn't equal a death sentence, he was the one who said it to me...but he's started to self harm and has taken up smoking again (he used to about a year ago) and I'm terrified for him...I would never leave him, ever...we've gone through so much in our 3 years together...but this, its just so much. If he wanted to leave, or break up...I'd be devastated, but I'd understand...He's been in therapy since he was raped, but he doesn't speak at all to the psychiatrist. The doctor mentioned us both going to a relationship therapist, but he doesn't talk there either and I feel like I'm betraying him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): I am so sorry this has happened. You need to go to therapy as well. It would be up to his psychiatrist as to weather you should have couples therapy in addition to his individual therapy. What ever the advice, it is essential that you go as this is effecting you too.
Don't try to engage him in sex for a while but hold him and be physically affectionate but with no thought of sex right now. He needs to know you are there and he does need you touch but not sexual right now.
If he was raped a month ago he cannot have AIDS, he is infected with the virus- it takes yrs to get AIDS after the infection. Is he getting medical care now? You should both find out as much as you can about the viral infection and the latest therapy[y. Do it together it will bring you closer together. God bless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2010): I don't know that I can provide any advice here. What happened to your lover is unimaginable. I must applaud you for standing by his side given the situation and circumstances. I know many men who would have run. Your situation reminds me of one of my favorite fictional novels called Comfort and Joy by Jim Grimsley. It might help you relate to your partner on the sexual level; one partner is HIV-positive and other is negative... in the novel, the positive partner becomes less engaged with sex, because they fear for the health of their negative partner and harbor anxiety and guilt over what could happen.In 2010, all you can do is assure your partner that HIV is no longer a death sentence. Tell him that you're not going anywhere and don't care about what has happened, that nothing has changed the way you feel then back off. No matter what don't be pushy and lay off the sexual advances. Everyone deals differently, when your partners feelings of grave depression end (which could be in weeks, months, even years), he will come to you. That is, if he still chooses to remain in the relationship. He needs your support, at a distance, when and if he's ready to talk he'll make it known. Never pry or push. If you do decide that you can't handle being in the relationship, then choose to remain a very close friend in his life. I really hope he is in therapy as this is not an issue that can be handled with love and care alone.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (4 July 2010):
Maybe you could try to go to group counciling. But this is really difficult for him. Don't try to do anything sexual with him until you know that he wants to. I guess all you can really do is just be there for him. He'll open up to you in his own time, but it will take time. This is going to be a long haul and there is no where around him. I guess just tell him that you love him in stead of trying to make any physical contact and don't go into the spare room because he obviously doesn't want you to see him like that or he doesn't want to be in a situation that he thinks could lead to sex. Maybe you could ask him why he pushs you out of the room sometime during the day. But like I said, I think all you can do is just to wait and be there for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): This sounds quite severe and traumatic. He may feel ruined, his life forever altered. This is something that has affected both of you. Both of you should seek the help of professional, one who can connect and help ask some difficult questions and provide answers.
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