A
female
age
51-59,
*uvlorn
writes:2 years and he still says "I DON'T KNOW"... he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know if he loves me, doesn't know anything it seems! Yet, he is kind, caring, generous, defensive of me, helpful, and faithful. Our children, siblings, parents are all involved, we share every holiday, we spend almost all time off work together, we vacation, we practically live together not just going on "dates". So much works, compatibility-wise. It seems time after 2 years to move forward, yet he's said pushing makes him back up. I don't need a ring and a date NOW,but would like to know we're heading somewhere in time- that potential exists! He says "I don't know"! His actions show he loves me and wants me, but this isn't enough for me so I ask and it causes an explosion and sometimes talk of ending it, yet he can't let me go either. HOW can a grown man of 40 be soooo unsure? He says he SHOULD love me and move fwd and he beats himself up over it and is tired, can't do it anymore. I'm scared. I love him and don't want to lose him, but do want more of and from him. I believe he loves me, just not by his "definition" (whatever that is), and is burned by the ex wife and scared, which he denies. He cares deeply and is good to me, simply DOES NOT KNOW what he wants or how he feels. Aaarrggh. How do you get a man to show his cards? I've tried everything- getting "busy" and less available, leaving, pressuring (but will NOT give ultimatums), relaxing and accepting things "as is"... nothing works. What will get him to figure it out and "KNOW"??? Isn't 2 years long enough???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): I'm a man, similar age to your guy. I've read your question - what is it that you want??? More time together; verbal commitment; live together;engagement; marriage??? Whatever it is - you have to be explicit. Tell him clearly.Now to male perspective - sounds like the next step just makes him feel uneasy/uncomfortable ( not his fault - just the way he is - not your fault either). Maybe he likes his little bit of independence; maybe doesn't like change; maybe he has uncertainty about his career; maybe doesn't want legal implication of marriage; maybe as you suggest, deep down he feels he did the marriage thing before and it went wrong - but the courting/pre-marriage area is OK - (it was prob OK with 1st wife as he married her) and its OK with you as you're still together. It's easy to think that marriage is "kiss of death" to harmonious relationship. So how do you find a solution to fit both your needs?? Try asking him "How do you see yourself in five years time?" Let him go away and think about it for couple of days or so (one week max)if he needs to. If he's happy to come back and tell you how he sees future - you can both talk it thro' further - discuss possibilities - compromises and making each other happy. If he's not happy to share his view with you then I guess the future vision does not include you. Hope this helps. Good luck. Richard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): You can't make someone else love you and commit to having a future with you, if he is not on the same page as you are after 2 years, I think it is time to realize that he is not the right man for you.....be smart, don't play this waiting game, you deserve to have what you want and you should not be embarassed about wanting to get married.
I would break up with him and have no contact with him...it may be the wake up call he needs to ask you for a commitment, and if he doesn't "wake up" then you have your answer, and you know it is really time to cut your losses and move on....we learn from every relationship, but the best thing learned here is people tell us who they are if we will only listen to them.
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A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (18 August 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionC'Mon... some help???
OR are you rolling eyes thinking "I don't know means NO"? I asked that and he got upset and said, "No, I don't know means I don't KNOEW, not NO, or I'd be gone". Aaaarggh... so? What's the deal?
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A
female
reader, kazzy35  +, writes (18 August 2007):
Oh my god thi sound like my bf tho ive not been out with him as long.He text me saying he was falling in love with me then weeks later i said it and he thinks its too soon derr whats that all about lol. Anyway think your situation is what you say he has been hurt real bad and is afraid to say how he feels alot of men are like that and although they feel it and show it the words just can come out cos once they do that it they have shown a weakness and left themselves wide open for hurt.This dosnt help yu tho try setting th mood have a few drinks and approach it like i understand your not ready yet but you need to know that the relationship is going somewher i know its hard my bf is so laid back hes horizontal i just wanna shake him and wish he would open up and tell me more but at the end o the day its words and what realy counts is how he i around you whih sounds like he is great around you. Try to back off from it all for awhile maybe show him your affection as much as poss but dont keep on at him and put presure on them cos altho were not it can come across as nagging and he will never budge.Hope it all works out x
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