A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling to move on from my "first love" ...and its been almost four years. So it happened a month before my 15th birthday. I was so stupid and naive, I thought this guy really loved me and wanted to be with me. In hind sight everything he said and did now I can see that he never wanted a relationship with me and that he did just use me but no matter what I do I can't get away from it. I never really had closure, it all happened so quickly but had such a huge impact on my life to the point that its still affecting me now, I still don't fully trust men and I still can't open up to them. As a result I lost all of my friends because I just lost faith in humanity, I pushed everyone away believing that nobody was to be trusted. Its horrible and I want to be a better person, I'd like to be the outgoing person I was before it happened ideally. So how do I get closure, do I talk it out with him and get the answers I need or do I just leave it alone and try to fight the fight i've been fighting for almost four years? I cried myself to sleep over it for a year, it completely destroyed me but I think he's completely ignorant to the matter... He has a girlfriend now who he's been with for a year and half and I've been with my boyfriend the same so I know nothing would ever happen between us and I don't even want that, I just want some answers really but I don't know how much it will help or if it will make it worse because perhaps ignorance is bliss in situations like this....Any help will be appreciated. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot :) I do think you're right, he was 3 years older than me so he was almost 18 at the time which is why you'd expect he'd have a bit more maturity than what I did at the time but perhaps not... I just can't even comprehend now at my age messing a 14 year old around, it seems bizarre.. He probably did just think with his penis as everyone told me at the time. I spoke to my closest long term friend about it last night, it was the first time I had properly opened up about it. He reckons he just saw me as a "piece of meat" or "an easy target" because of how naive and stupid I was. The only reason I let him take my virginity was because I believed him when he told me he loved me and also was scared to say no in case he ran away, I didn't want to lose him but in the end did anyway. Ah well I guess i'm going to have to try and forgive and forget the best I can. Thanks a lot :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Ah, you never told him how you felt then, or couldn't get him to give you the time to make him understand how you felt?
How old was he when was such an idiot? Same age as you? A year or two older?
I think one thing to consider is how mature he really was at the time. I remember experiencing a fairly traumatic breakup when I was around 14, my boyfriend who was my age started cheating on me with an older, more experienced girl of 16. I was devastated at the time but as I look back on it, he was being led around by his penis and I didn't have the willing attitude he was looking for. I too felt used because we did some fooling around but I drew the line and he went elsewhere. I think everyone around me know what was going on.
I got another boyfriend after that and did successfully move on. Not that it matters now after all these years, I look back on that now and realize how little I knew. I expect you'll get the same distance and objectivity if you take some time to think about it from that perspective.
You may need a surrogate to get all your feelings out to. Or better yet, figure out a way to offer them up to the universe. Maybe this was a lesson you had to learn, and he was merely the dumb agent. And by 'dumb' I mean stupid. He was a stupid and selfish teenage boy who had no idea how you were feeling because he didn't have the mental tools to comprehend it.
Did you ever see the movie "The Wedding Date"? There's a wrap-up at the end where we learn what happens to the main characters. An absolute idiot of a man gets the subtitle "and Jeffrey learned exactly nothing." Zero personal growth, zero empathy, zero comprehension or care.
At a certain point, you have to learn to practice forgiveness. Some people simply don't deserve the emotional energy you expend on them. Sounds like your ex is one of them. By practicing forgiveness, you may find some closure, that YOU create. You can't change what happened but you can change how you look at it, your attitude, the frame you use.
I have a couple of links that may help you get to a new way of approaching the past: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living/find-ways-to-bounce-back/details and http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
Take a look and see what you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny thing is a part of me just wants to sit down with him and tell him everything he made me feel because it was easy for him, he just walked away and that was the end of it. He easily walked past me without even acknowledging me where as for me it went a lot deeper than that and really cut me up. I also should have said that two years ago he started to talk to me again out of the blue and wanted to meet up but there was a bad snow storm and neither of us could get the transport to meet so eventually it fizzled out, we stopped talking and a few months later he met his girlfriend and me my boyfriend. Everything just went unanswered and i've never been able to move on because I think a part of me has always hoped that one day he'd come back and say what a big mistake he made, as sad as that is because I know its highly unlikely to happen (although did briefly happen just under two years ago). He just messed with my mind and I guess i'd like to know the reasons why, what was going on in his head at the time, whether he really wanted me or just used me and whether he ever felt anything at all for me or was his sole purpose just to fuck with me. Also would like to just let him know how much it hurt me because I never told him or showed him, it wasn't until two years ago when we started up talking again that he found out he was my first but I didn't want to tell him the whole truth in case it gave him some odd ego boost but right now I don't actually care I just feel I need to unload all of these feelings onto him, get the answers and move on with my life for good. I was put on a waiting list for a therapist 19 months ago but am still waiting as I can't afford a private one so until then am trying to practice "self help" methods as much as possible.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
"So how do I get closure, do I talk it out with him and get the answers I need or do I just leave it alone and try to fight the fight i've been fighting for almost four years?"
Don't bother trying to get him to give you closure, that has to come from within. If you've been fighting these thoughts for 4 years, it's time for professional help.
You could try some ritual expunging of his presence from your life, burn photos, that sort of thing.
Why don't you write the questions you want answered here and someone will do their best to answer them? It's worth a try.
I would really urge you to find a therapist or counselor that can work on these deep seated issues in a really positive and powerful way. Right now, you are stuck in a cycle of thinking that won't let you out. You have to change it up and GET SERIOUS about it. Throw the big guns at the problem and really work it out so you are free from this.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 What answers do you need from him?
what closure do you need?
do you want him to know how he "ruined" you? because the fact is, it happened. It's over it's done he's moved on and you need to move on emotionally as well.
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