A
female
age
30-35,
*emara
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for 16 months now and going strong. We love each other to death, but there's a problem. out of the first year together we spent three quarters apart due to the fact that he's studying overseas. I have never done the overseas relationship thing so neither of us new what to expect, but we made it work. He would come down every chance he gets, i never liked it...but i kinda loved the fact that i needed him so much sexually when he wasn't there. After a while i guess the coming and leaving thing was getting to me. I didn't want to cheat so i had to find other means, well nothing worked and i wasn't the type for toys so as a result i suppressed my sexual desires. The problem is, when we finally got the chance to spend every day together i don't get turned on by him like i used to and its frustrating to him and to me.. he tried touching all spots he could think of, but i just wouldn't twitch.... breaking up is not an option cause i know beyond a reason of doubt that i wanna be with this young man. we have even spoken about getting married.How do I get back my sexual desires for him? how do we go about correcting the wrong and restoring whats ours?....please help.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I don't see how a threesome could get your sex drive back. You are making it seem like you are responsible for his sex drive. When a man loves a woman he has to love her when she's crying, menstruating, pregnant with morning sickness, got fat, bloating with pms. If he can't handle a woman's ups and downs, he is not ready for marriage. A threesome, for me, is like an excuse to have sex when you aren't able, and it's little better than cheating. If you really go that route make sure you get equal pleasure. He can't be selfish.
A
female
reader, kemara +, writes (20 April 2010):
kemara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thanks you for all of your advice, but i must say from the beginning i was quite honest. I guess i didn't really want to air my problems to strangers, but here goes - there's another factor that comes into play. I've been having some problems in my intimate area; sometimes when ever i do get in the mood and we have sex it burns....like a lot, and certain positions i can not go into because when he thrust i get this nasty pain in my abdominal area. Its never a stationed pain,its like it has a mind of its own and moves. You cannot begin to imagine how frustrating it is that when ever we do get the chance to have sex we can go all out and do what we want because of that. i have been to doctors and non seem to can get the treatment right, but we're still looking for the cause. Usually after my period i cant have sex about a week or so cause then its very tender, so that also takes away from the window of opportunity before i go on my cycle begins again. so with all those factors coming into play i guess i rather be safe and not feel the pain than to try and see where it leads....i guess i just don't wanna make things worse than they are.I'm not sure if this would work, but to help get back my sex drive we've spoken about a 3 sum...it was my idea not his..... i'm not sure how it will play out, but we've spoken at length. We have considered living apart when we both get back home cause presently we're overseas together, have been for the past 6 months actually. I guess that's where us dating again would come into play. We haven't thought about toys, but i guess we could try something. I know he doesn't blame me for whats happening and we talk about it all the time - when i bring it up that is, but i blame myself knowing i cant satisfy him like i used to.thanks again for all your help guys.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 1. Try being experimental
2. Tell him your fantasies and get him to tell you his
3. Try using toys together
4. Try manual and oral stimulation as well as penetration
5. Have lots of foreplay before sex
6. Talk to each other about what you do/don't like and say romantic things
All these should help your sex life improve. If nothing then see a sex therapist or get a sex advice book or a copy of the karma sutra =]
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I have a similar scenario to you, except I am the one who goes away for studies and it is my boyfriend who's sex drive has faded from the on off relationship situation. And now his lack of desire for me, over time, has made me surpress my desire and I don't get the pleasure I used to from sex with him. I too want to know how to get our spark back, because, in the beginning he was my best lover but now sex has become a source of arguments, resentment and hurt for me :( so that now I sometimes don't want it anymore.
I too love my boyfriend and want to know how to get the desire back.
I have wondered about this one idea... perhaps you need to start dating again. If you are like us, you go from being apart to living together as a couple straight away and there is no getting to know each other again in between. This takes away the mystery and fun. You go from living as single and celebate to in a long term relationship with someone you havnt seen for some time, there's no wonder your sexual desire is confused! It makes sense really if you think about it.
Perhaps, try to not worry too much about the sexual side of things when you get back together. Spend your first few evening together again on dates and really get to know each other before you dive between the sheets. That way the sexual tension will build up between you and when you finally do have sex again, it will be much better because you will not be like strangers so much. I know for me, when I first see my boyfriend again its like we are strangers for the first week or so.
I wish you luck and if you have any other ideas let me know :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 April 2010):
What you are feeling is natural. I wouldn't stress too much about pleasing him. Definitely tell him what you feel, so he won't worry something's wrong with him. Are you sure he's not okay with you not being sexual? Suppressing is not really a conscious decision. I do think that our bodies have a mind of its own. Keep reminding your body that the separation thing is not going on forever. You detaching yourself is for the sake of protecting your feelings. Don't force yourself to cry, to feel happy, to feel sexual. In my experience, I had to let go of the pain, frustration before opening to love again. But in your case, it's not necessary to go through the roller coaster of emotion in order to satisfy him. Not everybody operates like you and he has to understand and respect that your body does not open and shut down like a push of a button. Make sure do something fun though. He needs an incentive to visit you and make the long distance thing work. You also have to trust that he's not going to cheat on you if you are not giving him any sex.
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